Dear Dr. Debbie,
Looking for advice about our two-year-old son’s behavior. He has always been relatively “aggressive” but I never thought it was anything to be concerned about as it just kind of seemed like typical toddler behavior. It’s getting to the point where I feel nervous taking him out in public settings with other children. Today he starts kicking a girl lying on the floor and stomping on her. At our community beach he takes a cup out of a kid’s hand, fills it up with water and dumps it on him (twice!!).
Admittedly, I have laughed at some stuff he’s done but NEVER when he is acting like that towards other children or what seems like trying to hurt them. We’ve done timeout, removing him from the situation, etc. but I’m worried since he starts school in a few weeks. I don’t like that the behavior is just so sudden and what feels like for no reason at all (no one taking a toy, or cutting in front of him, etc.)
Looking For Direction
Dear LFD,
Toddlers are exploring cause and effect with people, including peers and parents. This continues into ages three and four, so this advice will be useful for the next couple of years.
Immediate Causes
While “no reason at all” is what you see, the two-year-old mind is constantly abuzz with ideas. He interacts with his world very spontaneously most of the time, but he can also be planful in testing out ideas he’s been pondering.
Take the precaution of guessing what might be on his mind at all times. When you enter a public place, talk about what he sees, what he might want to do there, what he might be curious about. In the case of a child lying on the floor, pre-empt any aggressive behavior by following his gaze and saying, “I wonder why she’s lying there. Maybe she’s tired.” Hold his hand to walk around her. Then help him to get busy with something appropriate.
Since he had time to grab then fill the cup with water (twice) I imagine your attention was diverted. “Yes, he has a cup. Would you like to ask for a turn with it?” would be the way to follow his interest and guide him to do the right thing. Close attention is the best prevention for toddler misbehavior. For your next visit to the beach, bring along two cups for two children to play with at the same time.
“Invisible” Causes
A sudden aggressive action could be rooted in many causes, so look for patterns. Do these social situations take your attention away from your child? He could be jealous of your focus on another adult, so he uses an aggressive action to get your focus back on him.
Does his hunger alarm go off without warning? This also requires attention from you. Keep to a regular schedule of nutritious snacks and meals. (Note, erratic behavior is sometimes rooted in food sensitivities, so watch for specific patterns with suspicious foods.)
Sleep is very important during the early years when growth and learning are rapid. Stick to a daily schedule – not just on weekdays – to be sure that an afternoon nap and a smooth bedtime routine happen. A well-rested child is better able to learn from close instruction about how to play with another child.
Reactions
Keep your reaction calm as you redirect him to appropriate behavior. You are his guide. If you laugh at him or scold him he learns to get attention with these behaviors. Keep a calm approach toward shaping the behaviors that you want. Step in immediately, if not beforehand, to redirect him to a more positive interaction. Remember, you are teaching him what he doesn’t yet know how to do. He’s still too young to understanding that other people have feelings, but he does enjoy it when he sees you being happy with him. Soon enough he will come to enjoy when another child plays with him, too. Let’s work on making that happen!
It would be a good idea to share your concerns with his soon-to-be teacher(s). Hopefully they practice positive attention and pre-emptive guidance to minimize aggression between classmates. The best approach to desirable behavior is a teamwork approach to analyzing and strategizing for best results. By the way, early childhood teachers have done away with Time Out and instead use Time In to help a child regulate his strong emotions.
Teaching Positive Social Behavior
It is very important to use modeling, coaching, and reinforcement to promote positive interactions with others. Much like teaching a child table manners, there are a lot of missteps along the way. Show him by your example how to greet people and how to interact non-aggressively. Model interest and respect for the other children and adults in his world. Show him how to play with another child in a positive way. For example, with two cups, they can both scoop water and dump it into a hole in the sand. Use your facial expressions and tone of voice to share your pride as he gets it right. How about modeling dumping water on yourself?
One practical way to reinforce positive interaction is to have regular playdates with another child. Close attention is always needed for toddlers and will go a long way to help them to do the right thing when it comes to being near a playmate. With your consistent supervision the children will learn what is acceptable, and in fact mutually enjoyable, when it comes to playing with another child.
At this stage in the timeline of social skills, annoying and aggressive behaviors against other children are fairly standard. Close attention will help your child move along toward behaving so that other children will enjoy playing with him.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist www.drdebbiewood.com and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum www.theccm.org.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 5 pm. Online reservations are available https://www.theccm.org/event-details/purchase-tickets-in-advance or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
This Saturday the museum is hosting activities for International Day with music, storytelling, and crafts. Saturday is also the final summer session of outdoor Family Yoga and Nature Hike.
Read more of Dr. Wood’s Good Parenting columns by clicking here.
