Dear Dr. Debbie,
My father had a strict policy of not allowing me to accept playdate invitations that were less than two weeks in the future. My mother didn’t think I should miss a day of school with a body temperature less than 100° F. So it may be easy for you to imagine my rigid adherence to making and following through with commitments my whole life.
Now I’m the SAHM of a four-year-old and a baby. The four-year-old has two friends from school with whom we make plans all the time. The trouble is, one mom is always backing out. Sometimes I’ll get a text from her ten minutes after we were expecting them to be at our house.
Ready to Break Up
Dear R.t.B.U.,
At the risk of challenging you to re-think your family’s values and practices, your father’s policy seems kind of restrictive. I wonder how that worked out for you? Did you find enough friends who could comply with two-weeks-in-advance scheduling? Your mother’s attitude toward going to school even when you might be harboring germs has fallen out of favor, both at school and at work settings, since the advent of Covid-19. It’s admirable to stick to a work timetable even when you’re sick, but this is not the healthiest option for yourself nor everyone else if you can’t Zoom it in.
Let’s address the present situation from three points of view.
Yours
Before you were a mom, you may have operated just fine in environments that were predictably and effectively scheduled. The values and practices you learned in childhood prepared you well for this.
Your current family life, other than these abruptly broken plans for playdates and meet-ups, may be running smoothly on reliable schedules. Quite possibly everyone in the family thrives on dependable routines and firmly set plans through which everyone’s needs are met. (This could be because you are all related, and the trait of “rhythmicity” is present in all of you!)
The other mom – who often backs out of plans – forces you to pivot when you may have expected to run errands and or do chores around these plans. This is frustrating for you. Relationships at your stage of life should support your role as a SAHM, including providing for your four-year-old’s social needs, and for your getting breaks you can count on while he plays with a friend.
It may be time to consider the value of this relationship at this stage of your life. She keeps letting you down because you expect her to follow through with her commitment. If you still want to make plans with her, strongly consider the possibility that an alternate plan needs to be kept in mind. For example, a plan to meet up with her and her child at the park could also include your child’s other friend just in case it turns into an outing for two friends, not three. Or the alternate plan could be an outing to the park for just you and your two children, with the stroller as a napping option if it’s during the baby’s nap time. Who knows? If you still go to the park anyway, you may meet a new friend there who’s also strollering a napping baby while keeping an eye on an active four-year-old. By the way, going to the same park at the same time each week is a good tactic for finding new friends for yourself and your children.
If you were counting on a playdate to give you time alone with the baby, pivot to a family activity when you get the cancelation text, such as reading books together, dancing, or taking a walk in the neighborhood. The four-year-old might have preferred time with a friend, but if you are positive about making it work, spending enjoyable time with both children is good for all of you.
If your four-year-old’s playdates are how you expect to get housework accomplished, it may be time to expand your childcare options beyond school hours that coincide with the baby’s naps. To get your much needed time off to do things other than parent your children, ask your neighbors and the other parents at school to recommend good babysitters. Or start a babysitting co-op with a handful of SAHM’s who share similar schedules and needs for time off.
If this other mom is fulfilling an important social need for you, maybe you can set up a new arrangement for connecting with each other through irregular texting, emailing, and or phoning, giving her the expectation that you can respond when it fits your schedule.
The Plan Breaker
Let’s assume that she doesn’t break plans intentionally to ruin your day. Let’s consider what might be going on in her world.
She may have physical and or psychological ups and downs that arise unexpectedly causing her to have to cancel plans that seemed like a good idea when she committed to them. For example, allergies, nerve pain, anxiety, and depression, can come and go in waves. In this case, she’s as frustrated as you, probably more so, that her condition interferes so much with daily living. Or she may have a child who interrupts her sleep to the point where she’s unfit to drive or even to host a playdate. Or she may have demands from family members, maybe a parent who has health emergencies or other crises, that she is expected to help out with.
Worst case scenario is that she considers your friendship, or the friendship between your child and hers, to be of less importance than you do. In which case it’s perfectly fine to start distancing yourself so you can invest in other possible friendships.
Your Child
You said that your children know each other from school. While it is wonderful if parents support out-of-school-time get togethers between classmates so as to nurture a friendship, the children are still getting to enjoy each other’s company at school. And if they continue to be schoolmates, there will be ongoing opportunities in the years ahead for them to enjoy their friendship– with less and less dependence on parents arranging their social lives as time goes by.
You didn’t mention if your child is disappointed when plans change due to a non-appearing friend. Perhaps there isn’t time for disappointment. Children tend to live in the moment, so if you quickly shift into a new plan, your child might be perfectly content to go along with it. That’s good parenting.
On the other hand, if your child is repeatedly crushed by canceled plans, I see two options:
- Have a heart-to-heart with the mom to share your child’s disappointment, and see if there is something you can do to assure that the friends get to spend time together. Maybe you’ll do more of the driving or hosting. Maybe she’ll be surprised to hear that you consider her behavior excessive (her upbringing may have cemented a value that plan-making is less important than being in the moment, and or that a good friendship doesn’t need constant nurturing). Maybe she’ll share with you an explanation for her constant no-shows and you can help her brainstorm for strategies and or community resources to remedy the cause or causes of her often dropping plans.
- Commiserate with your child about the constant disappointment and explain that it’s just not easy to make plans with this particular friend (at this time, anyway). This friendship can reliably be enjoyed at school.
Meanwhile, you’ll be reaching out to other classmates’ families for playdates and meet ups.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist www.drdebbiewood.com and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum www.theccm.org.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available https://www.theccm.org/event-details/purchase-tickets-in-advance or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
Thanks to a grant from the Institute for Museum and Library Services, CCM is hosting low-cost workshops on Saturday mornings, November 2 and December 7 for childcare professionals, providing Core of Knowledge hours that are approved by MSDE.
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