Dear Dr. Debbie,
We have 3 precious children, ages 3 to 8, and every now and then my patience wears thin and I yell. Will this cause permanent damage to them? I hated being yelled at by my parents when I was a child, or by anyone for that matter.
Distressed Dad
Dear D.D.,
Losing your temper “every now and then” is par for the course in parenting. Realizing that maybe it’s not a good strategy is a step in the right direction.
Permanent Damage
To answer your question, yes, a persistent pattern of being yelled at, or witnessing another family member getting yelled at, diminishes a child’s self-esteem, trust, and sense of safety. It’s scary to see a parent lose his temper and yell. To your children, you are a pillar of strength and a reliable provider of food and fun.
A Ted Talk by Pediatrician Nadine Burke Harris explains the process of impaired brain development and compromised immunities for children who experience an extreme amount of adversity in childhood.
However, if for the most part, parents routinely provide for their children’s needs and rarely fly off the handle, no great harm has been done.
Children’s Prevention
Still, it’s a good idea not to yell at anyone, especially a child. Use consistent rules, in a calm voice, to keep children’s behavior in check. It’s best to state a family rule just before the child needs it. For example, “We’ll put the toys away in a few minutes then go wash hands for dinner.” Consistent enforcement can include you getting the job started or breaking it down into manageable chunks – books go on the bookshelf, blocks go in the blocks box, etc. If clean up time is a persistent struggle, consider limiting what’s available for the children to play with so there’s less for them to have to put away. Some toys can be kept out of reach (and out of sight) for reappearance when others go into hiding.
If there are challenges with behavior when you are out and about with the children, review the expectations in advance. “When we go through the store, you can help to choose X.” That way you may only need to give a short reminder if a zillion other items catch your child’s eye. “Remember, we’re just here to pick X.”
Timing is very important for good behavior. Food, rest, and exercise need to be taken into consideration throughout the day. Be sure your expectations of the children are well supported with a schedule that gets all their needs met.
Parents’ Prevention
Are these moments of raising your voice related to your stress level rather than a child’s behavior? You are less able to calmly re-direct a child when you’re low on energy and or overloaded on stress. Try to increase self-care with adequate sleep, healthy food, and regular exercise, as well as by finding the resources you need, or shifting priorities, to reduce your stress load.
Sometimes you may just need confirmation from another adult that, yes, children can be challenging at times. Make time to connect with other parents to keep your expectations of your children and yourself within reason.
Apologize in Earnest
Of course you don’t set out to yell at your children. But it happens. Make sure to smooth things over when you’ve calmed down. Help your child understand that you know that yelling was not the right way to handle things. Give an explanation that is age-appropriate. Steer clear of sharing grown-up problems that are not a child’s responsibility to solve. For example, if your stress level is high due to financial worries, just say that you have a lot on your mind and shouldn’t have gotten so upset at them. Or maybe you needed a child to move faster at getting something done than they were able to do. When you explain yourself you can also invite your child to do the same. “I wasn’t finished building with the blocks.” Acknowledge that you overreacted.
Apologies are important for maintaining a relationship based on trust. Your children need to count on your being in control of your emotions since they depend on you for keeping them safe, healthy, and so much more. You are also providing them with a model of how to patch up the hurt feelings they may cause in their friends, siblings, and future family members.
You are helping your children learn about human behavior when you describe the cause and effect patterns of emotions. Eventually they get better at understanding that yelling is a symptom of not feeling in control. (You needed a different behavior from a child when you yelled.) They also learn, with your earnest apology, that yelling is not an effective way to deal with conflict in a relationship.
And that an apology can clear the air and lead to mutual understanding.
Dr. Debbie
Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern.
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Time with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am. On Sunday, May 4th, take a “trip” to the Pacific Islands at noon with drumming and dancing by Meki’s Tamure, and to Mexico from 2-5 pm as CCM celebrates el dia de los niños. Music activities from around the world are supported by a grant from the Institute for Museum and Library Services.
