Dear Dr. Debbie,
My husband and I have been delighted with our now 10-month-old daughter. She goes to a childcare center about 25 hours per week so I can go to work, and she adapted easily to the caregivers and other babies. She also does well at family gatherings with both her older cousins and any adults that interact with her, including the other grandparents. So why is my Dad so resistant to playing with her?
Distant Grandpa’s Daughter
Dear D.G.D.,
This may have more to do with your father than with the baby, but let’s start with the baby’s point of view.
Stranger Anxiety
A typical pattern in the developing infant is for the baby to categorize faces as either “known” and therefore safe, or “unknown” and therefore threatening. Typically, this begins around 6 to 9 months and can last a few weeks or several months, occasionally until the child’s second birthday or longer, depending on their temperament and life experiences.
A baby who is wary of any unfamiliar face might react guardedly to Grandpa (assuming he’s only around intermittently). Therefore, this inhibits Grandpa from trying to cozy up to her. However, since you’ve described positive experiences for your baby at childcare and other social settings, she seems to be comfortable with a variety of people beyond her immediate family.
Do you review photos and videos of family members with her when they’re not around? This could build up her familiarity with Grandpa’s face.
Picking Up on Others’ Emotions
Infants are highly sensitive to a caregiver’s responsiveness. Dr. Ed Tronick devised the The Still Face Experiment to see how babies react when their mother or their father turns away after playing together, and turns back with an expressionless face. Experimenters describe the common sequence of babies’ reactions as being in shock, ramping up bids for attention, and if unsuccessful at that, devastation. (Thankfully, the parent is told by the experimenter to resume playing after just a few seconds!)
In a normal situation, an infant, especially one under the age of one year, is highly aware of their caregiver’s location, as well as their caregiver’s emotional state. Instinctively, she knows she can’t take care of herself. Good communication between the baby and the caregiver, resulting in quick and accurate care, supports the baby’s trust in the world.
Your baby has been convinced over months of experience that her needs are routinely met. You, Dad, and the childcare team reliably make sure that she’s fed when she’s hungry, entertained when she’s bored, made comfortable when she’s wet or cold, and comforted when she’s upset.
What kind of face is Grandpa showing the baby? Is he exuding confidence with a smile? At the very least, does he have entertainment value – e.g. repeatedly blinking his eyes, or taking his hat off and putting in back on? If not, a wary baby would have no interest.
Infant Distress and Caregiver Response
Between men and women, research suggests that women, and more so mothers, are more likely to tune in to a baby’s distress and to react supportively. In a review by the National Library of Medicine of research on this topic it was observed that adult males are less likely than females to become alert and to appropriately respond to the cry of an infant. I wonder if this was the case when you were a baby?
Some men, perhaps those with little experience with infants, lack confidence in just holding a baby let alone being a caregiver. Without guidance and encouragement, some fathers distance themselves from their children, especially in the early years, because they haven’t built up the confidence that comes from success. And success comes from persistence in reading the baby’s cues, paying attention to daily rhythms for playtime, rest time, and feedings, and getting to know the baby’s likes and dislikes.
If this is his first grandchild, it is possible that she is stirring up past feelings in Grandpa of failure in connecting with his own babies.
Rerouting a Rocky Start
Grandparents can have a lasting positive effect on well-being as active participants in their grandchildren’s lives. Research underscores the role of grandparents as a positive influence. They can serve as role models when it comes to healthy living including good nutrition and abstaining from smoking. Grandparents who can offer childcare can give parents much needed time off to refresh their batteries. As the child gets older, grandparents can share hobbies, family stories, and holiday traditions that add to a child’s well-roundedness, connection to her family, and to her culture.
Take the initiative to forge a bond between Grandpa and your daughter. The more comfortable she is with him, the more comfortable he should be. Take time to review photos with her of him, including photos of him and you when you were younger. She may not understand the words now, but in time she will come to know that he is special in your life, and therefore in hers.
Build Grandpa’s confidence:
Does he sing? Babies love music. Suggest songs he knows for a sing-along next time he visits.
Anyone can play Peek-a-boo. You can get the game going with a handkerchief over your own face, then start including Grandpa’s.
Put him in the role of nurturer by setting him up with spoon feeding or refilling the highchair tray with finger foods.
Get him on the floor to play Roll-a-ball with you and the baby.
Ask him to “read” a board book to her, directing him to just talk about the pictures. Maybe Daddy can model this a few times first.
Instigate an honest conversation about his entry to parenthood. Was he nervous? How did his own father do with infants? What is he looking forward to as this child gets older (past the constant need for nurturing)?
Open his eyes to the possibilities in store for him in grandparenthood.
Dr. Debbie
Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern.
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Time with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am. On Wednesday, April 23, Dr. Wood will lead teachers and childcare providers in A World of Music and Dance from 6:30-8:30 pm, supported by a grant from the Institute for Museum and Library Services.
