Are Leaders Born or Made?

Dear Dr. Debbie,

My daughter will be in a new preschool class in September. She’ll be turning four-years-old in November. I’m hoping this mixed age group of threes and fours will bring out her leadership skills because last school year she was rather timid and often overshadowed (dare I say bullied?) by more socially outgoing classmates during playtime. Is this something her teacher can help her with? At home she’s the only child although when we visit her baby cousin, she certainly enjoys coming up with fun ways to entertain the baby, like starting a game of peek-a-boo or taking the baby’s hands to play pat-a-cake. Otherwise, she’s typically reserved if other children are around.

Mousey’s Mother

Dear M.M.,

Whether your daughter is a leader or a follower (or the victim of a bully) is up to natural and situational conditions.

Both Roles are Valuable

It’s important to note that both leading and following are necessary for two or more people to work together. Generally there is a clear leader and one or more cooperative followers in any social situation. Someone is the obvious captain who keeps the ship focused on its destination, but it takes a team effort to steer through the rough seas to get there. There may be turn-taking for the leadership role, and in some moments, shared leadership, but the ship cannot move forward without someone being “in charge”.  A temporary or permanent change in leadership may depend on who is better equipped to handle a particular sea.

Any committee, work team, or other group of adults operates best with accepted leadership and willing followers. That’s not to say there isn’t discussion, disagreement, and compromise along the way. But just as too many cooks spoil the broth, a lack of leadership can stall a project.

Natural Tendencies

Certain characteristics can be found in both children and adults who are comfortable in a leadership role among their peers:

• Confidence allows a leader to feel safe in putting a new idea out there. Confidence conveys to the followers that all will be well, even when an idea holds the potential for risk.
• Dependability is a factor in maintaining leadership. Repeated success in following this leader gives way to easily continuing to follow her again and again.
• Communication skills are the tools with which a leader can direct the followers through the plan. This includes explaining the reason behind the idea as well as adequately clarifying the steps each follower needs to take to carry it out.
• Quick thinking is required during make believe play (which way do we steer the boat to dodge the sharks?), block building (there aren’t enough blocks for the wall around the castle), and the many other challenges children face in their playtime pursuits. A good leader repeatedly offers successful solutions.
• Social skills give a leader an advantage in knowing how to direct the others in ways best suited to each follower. She knows who would be best at being the lookout on the ship and who would be best at cooking up the grub in the galley, therefore the assignments are welcomed and well carried out.
• Big picture thinking enables a leader to visualize a desired outcome as well as to anticipate the many details that will make it happen. This involves looking ahead and knowing what to look for as the project progresses.

There are “natural leaders” who effortlessly use these abilities to command willing followers. And there are those who develop these abilities over time, perhaps following some good examples, and by trial and error. A leader-in-training pays attention to feedback and modifies her actions accordingly. (“You never let me be the cook!” “Okay, you’re the cook.”) Adults must use their leadership roles with children to guide and encourage these characteristics. Good leaders are both born and made.

Opportunity Knocks

Among a class of children there will often be a testing out of leadership qualifications in the first week or so of school as they play with each other. The above characteristics hold sway, but, interestingly, age and height are advantageous in commanding a dominant position over others.

Your daughter will be younger than some and older than other students in the class. Given a large group to choose from, at four-years-old a child usually works herself into a group of four children as regular playmates. It is in her small group that she’ll have many opportunities to see how leading and following work. She’s already shown that she takes charge with her baby cousin to lead the games they play. With a permanent age advantage, she may continue to initiate their activities together. Perhaps at school, she (and her chosen small group) will note that she is the one best suited to lead the group in play. Or maybe that will happen in the years to come. With a November birthday she will be older than most of the other children through the grades ahead.

Regardless, in life, your daughter will find herself in both leading and following roles. In school, the teacher plays the vital role of setting the expectations for the students, planning the activities, and being responsible for everyone’s safety, among other responsibilities. The students must accept her leadership in order to move toward the goals of the program. A student who doesn’t accept the role of follower could create a difficult situation between herself and the teacher!

Likewise, a teacher has leaders to follow – the school’s director, the state licensing specialist, an expert she met at a conference, etc. Among the other teachers, she may be better at music activities and another teacher may be the one to go to for advice about children’s behavior. It works out best for everyone if authority and or expertise are acknowledged and accepted. Sometimes you should be the leader. Sometimes you should be the follower.

No Place for Bullies

Teachers (and parents) set the standards for how people treat one another. As good leaders, they model empathy and cooperation and help children to be kind even when it’s hard for them to do so. Adults should do this with kindness. They shouldn’t lead with force. That’s bullying.

A child who acts like a bully, intimidating other children with threats and aggression, is often mimicking an adult. The child who bullies needs adult help, not more bullying. Intentional supervision shows the children that kindness works better than meanness to attract playmates. Adults must use their leadership to give thoughtful direction and ensure there are safe groups in which every child can play.

All the children benefit when adults support their capacity with the above characteristics of good leadership. A leadership opportunity may be just around the bend.

Dr. Debbie

Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum..

The museum is open daily from 10 am to 5 pm. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.

A Summer Sizzle Family Concert will be held on Saturday, July 27, 10 am to 12 pm. Make rhythm instruments to take home. Lynne Childress and Willie Hadnot will perform live music.

The museum is hosting a three-day conference for early childhood professionals, Creativity and Well-being August 1-3. Registration is now open.

Read more of Dr. Wood’s Good Parenting columns by clicking here.