Dear Dr. Debbie,
I’ve had to leave work to pick up my toddler from his childcare provider twice. Now she’s threatening that next time he won’t be allowed to return. This is for biting or hitting. I’m trying to understand how group childcare programs typically manage challenging behaviors and what steps can be taken to ensure success.
Not Again
Dear N.A.
A professional childcare provider can indeed call a parent to pick up their child for biting or hitting as well as terminate enrollment if the problem persists. Understanding the cause of the biting, and activating prevention strategies, can eliminate the problem without the need to remove a child.
Teamwork
You and the provider should set a time to talk. You can ask about patterns – what situations, which children, what times of the day – seem to precede a biting or hitting incident. You might offer to come in to help catch clues as to the cause or causes of the biting. Watch his interactions with other children to see where he may need some coaching. Physical aggression is often preceded by being frustrated.
When you speak with the caregiver, share your observations of how your child is when he’s with you. What causes him frustration? What times of day is he at his best and his worst (uncooperative, impatient, riled up, etc.)? How do you help him overcome his frustrations and or turn his mood around?
As a team you can also compare notes on what this child enjoys and what skills he’s working on. The caregiver will appreciate knowing, for example, that your little one is fascinated with sea creatures. This will prompt her to include songs, books, games, and crafts about fish, whales, octopi and the like. This should make him happier and less likely to be in a negative mood.
Likewise, she can let you know that he is attracted to a child who isn’t particularly easy to get along with. This might prompt you to work on playdates with classmates. Regardless of which family works out best for arranging regular playdates together, parents on a playdate can more easily focus on and address children’s conflicts than a caregiver with multiple children can. The idea is to build your son’s social skills so as to improve his ability to play more cooperatively with one other child.
Developmental Skills
Typically, between the ages of one and three a child is working on language skills, emotional control, and becoming a good playmate. This is hard work that advances through stages with the help of attentive adults.
Frustration with language skills is a common cause of biting. American Sign Language is an easy way to increase a child’s ability to communicate while he is still struggling to find and use words. You can find websites and books from the library to add to your child’s ASL vocabulary.
Emotional regulation is a work in progress through childhood, and even at times in adulthood. There are strategies for helping your child when his emotions come on strong that can teach him how to rein them in. Emotional intelligence can be improved by helping a child to identify what has caused a feeling and to determine a productive way of responding to that feeling.
row in leaps and bounds in the years before kindergarten. The best way to advance the ability to “play nicely” with another child is for repeated opportunities with close adult supervision. The adult plays a big part in setting up the environment with fun things to do and ample materials to do it with. Toddlers love to imitate. So there needs to be enough baby dolls and strollers, or books about fire engines, or swings on the swing set for playmates to be doing the same thing at the same time. Adults must be ready to “coach” children, and to speak for them if their words don’t work yet, to ask for a turn as well as to hold on to a toy until finished with it.
Accentuate the Positive
It’s important to not give attention to aggressive behavior, but rather to comfort the child who has been hurt. Attention is a primary need of a young child, so we don’t want to reinforce the idea that making someone cry is an easy way to get it.
Instead, both parents and professional caregivers must use every opportunity to call a child by his name, point out his amazing abilities – to build a block tower, to move a pile of sand with the toy dump truck, to draw a circle in shaving cream on the table, to move over so another child can sit by him, etc. – and generally smile in his direction throughout your time together. A child needs to know that his grown-ups are happy to be with him.
Monitoring Emotions
To prevent an eruption of negative emotions that could cause hitting or biting, it is necessary to stay on top of the emotional atmosphere. The adult on duty needs to pay close attention to facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice to head off trouble before it’s too late. When you’re supervising a play date you have the opportunity to stay tuned to just two children. In group childcare this isn’t so easy. This underscores the benefit of letting your child have one-on-one times with another child as he gets adult help to manage his powerful emotions and successfully resolve a conflict without physical aggression.
Teamwork between parent and caregiver will help your child advance in his social skills, get plenty of positive adult attention, and take better control of his emotions when he is with a playmate. He can successfully be with other children when his adults team up to provide the support to do so.
Dr. Debbie
Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern.
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis.
CCM is open from 10 am to 4 pm daily. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Walk-ins are welcome. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Time with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet is on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
Parents and other caregivers of young children have an opportunity to gain insights and tools from Dr. Wood in a weekly series of workshops. The topic for September 3 is “I Had it First!” – Conflict Resolution Skills to Teach Children. For September 10, learn about Healthy Habits for Young Children and how to get good habits to stick. Childcare can be provided if arranged in advance. Call 410-990-1993 or email: [email protected] for more information.
