Dear Dr. Debbie,
At what point do I start to teach my young children about protecting their bodies from unwanted touches? They’re only six-months-old and three-years-old, and are mostly just with me and their Daddy, but I can see their social worlds widening daily.
Mama Bear
Dear M.B.,
Infancy is not too early. In a respectful parent-child relationship, the parent reads and responds to a baby’s emotions by taking the time to communicate before touching the baby’s body.
Hugs and Kisses, Too
This includes hugs and kisses. Nice touches, of course, are good for babies. According to research on infant massage, as reported by Michigan State University, parental massage has been “shown to assist with improving attachment and strengthening the bond between parents and their baby.” Infant massage ties in with a good communication system between a baby’s body, and its responses to the touches, and the parent’s next move. When the baby signals, “thanks, that’s enough for now,” a well-tuned-in parent will stop.
Continue to treat a child’s body as being part of a person who has a say in what is done to that body.
Safety Team
All of your children’s caregivers should agree to using language and tactics that reinforce the shared belief that a child is in charge of their body, and that entrusted caregivers are there to help them to be healthy and safe. Beyond diapering and eventual toilet mastery, the adult in charge helps a child take care of getting teeth brushed, hair washed, nails trimmed, and healthy food eaten. It’s best to take a minute to gain cooperation for these actions, and also to guide children toward taking responsibility for caring for their bodies themselves.
The University of California at Davis suggests building vocabulary with words such as body, space, and touch with your little ones. Model for other adults in your close circle that you always ask a child if they want a hug or a tickle. And always respect the child’s “No.”
While you’re building body safety vocabulary, use proper names for body parts including parts involved with elimination and sexuality. By talking in a confident manner about body parts, you present yourself as an “askable” adult who can be consulted if a child has a funny feeling about someone, especially if that person has violated a body boundary.
Nowadays adults are much more aware of how easily a child’s trust can be violated by an abuser. Among your family’s Safety Team, agree to use consent as a regular tool for interacting with the children. The actions of their beloved and entrusted adults will shape children’s attitudes toward future relationships with regard to control of their own bodies.
Here’s a tip sheet from the Child Protection Global Network to share with your Safety Team.
Yes to Surprises, No to Secrets
You can plan a “surprise” with a child as your accomplice in order to soon make someone happy. “Let’s surprise Daddy by making your bed before he comes in to help you get dressed!” Surprises are short-term and pleasant.
Secrets can be harmful. A perpetrator often starts out being friendly, gaining the child’s and parent’s trust through fun activities and gifts. A “tricky person” then defies that trust, usually warning the child to keep what happened a secret. Your family’s Safety Team should agree to refrain from using the word “secret” as a positive thing since a sexual predator counts on the child’s secrecy out of shame, confused loyalty, or fear. A secret in this case, is silencing a destructive truth. Some such secrets are kept for years.
“Truth” is another important concept. Let your children know that even though telling the truth is a hard thing to do sometimes, they can always be truthful with you.
Teach your child about privacy and private parts. You can have a “private” conversation with a child, when it’s appropriate to keep something confidential between you. A three-year-old or a parent might request “privacy” in the bathroom. A doctor or nurse may need to see or touch your body’s private parts to help take care of your health. (Prepare and support your child for best cooperation!)
No Hitting
A No Spanking rule is related to teaching children that they must give consent for physical contact. Intentional pain inflicted by an authority figure makes no sense. The unspoken message expressed by the adult is that “I am entitled to hurt you.” This is illogical from the point of view of a child who expects the adult to be a source of nurturing and protection. Not to mention, an adult in a caregiving role should be a guide and role model for how to treat others.
Not surprisingly, the absurdity of using spanking as a guidance technique is born out in research reported on by the World Health Organization. “Corporal punishment is linked to a range of negative outcomes for children across countries and cultures.” One effect of corporal punishment they found is “increased aggression and perpetration of violence.”
Many countries across the world have banned corporal punishment of children. The U.S. and Canada are not quite there yet but may be on the way to helping to make the world a more peaceful place.
Dr. Debbie
Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern.
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Walk-ins are welcome.
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Chesapeake Children’s Museum is coordinating events across Anne Arundel County using books of poetry about nature as inspiration. The county-wide NEA Big Read has events for all ages, many of them free of charge. Note that some events require advance registration.
