Dear Dr. Debbie,
We have two children, ages 9 and 7 ½, who seem to make friends easily and don’t cause trouble with their teachers. If memory serves, we’re approaching ages where there is less and less close supervision from adults and therefore an increase in bullying behavior.
What, if anything, can be done to prevent problems?
So Far So Good
Dear S.F.S.G.,
Adults can do a lot to influence children’s attitudes about intimidating others to get what you want as well as teach them strategies to avoid being a bully’s victim.
Self-Esteem
A good prevention against would-be bullies and would-be victims alike is any activity that builds self-esteem. Competence in one skill can balance out shortcomings in other abilities when it comes to how a child measures his own worth. Structured after-school activities, such as scouts, community theater, or “just for fun” sports, can build skills and raise confidence. Creative outlets can be particularly effective for helping children discover and express themselves in a positive way, whether through writing, drawing, singing, or dancing.
One-on-one time with an adult is perfect for learning a new hobby with you – candle making, photography, model plane building, pet care, or pretzel baking, just to name a few. Remember that being a novice may require bravery, patience, persistence, and creative problem-solving. These are strengths you can point out during the learning process. When you pay attention to the effort rather than the result, you are helping to build your child’s self-esteem. The focus is on the child’s innate abilities – which will always be with him – rather than a momentary success.
Kindness Counts
Adults model how to treat other people all the time, and children are watching. It is important to show respect for others through thoughtful actions such as holding a door, welcoming someone to join you in what you’re doing, listening to what the other person has to say, showing concern for their feelings, giving a sincere compliment, expressing appreciation for their help, etc.
Adults set the tone for kindness in a classroom for sure. Parents and other authority figures can set a tone of kindness in other environments, such as a scout meeting, a sports practice, a large family gathering, out in public, and at home.
When kindness is set and reinforced as the standard, bullying cannot take root.
Reinforcement is as easy as beaming a smile at the child who has acted kindly.
Conflict Resolution
Bullies depend on an imbalance of power to intimidate someone more vulnerable. This may be to take something of value such as a toy, food, or money. Physical strength is only one tool they abuse to do this. A bully may use words to insult and therefore embarrass a child in front of his peers. A bully may have the strength of followers (who admire and or are afraid of his power) so as to outnumber a victim. The bully may threaten future harm – physical or emotional – if the victim doesn’t comply with their wishes. The bully needs to prove they have “won” over a weaker individual. This is wrong, of course.
The opposite of this imbalance is our adult-enforced system of kindness and mutual respect. Everyone is acknowledged to have power. Even in conflict.
While your children are still often under your close supervision, use conflict as an opportunity to stress the equal power of both parties. Conflict resolution comes about when each side gives a well-thought out reason for their point of view and genuinely listens to the other side.
Options can be discussed and practiced before a conflict occurs, perhaps inspired by an incident they witnessed as school, or a book you are reading together, or a video you are watching. Then when there is a conflict in real time, you help them choose the appropriate solution: trade, divide, take turns, or meet in the middle. If one party has been wronged (as when I wore my sister’s sweater without asking and tore a hole in the elbow), appropriate amends are made (I let her choose one of my sweaters to keep).
Teach your children to recognize their own rising emotions when a conflict occurs – in their breath, in their voice, in their body posture – and to choose from among several constructive actions rather than resorting to a verbal or physical attack.
Children with learning disabilities and or emotional challenges will need more coaching to read body language and to hear the needs of their playmates and family members. Before conflict turns to anger, it helps to take a deep breath, walk away, or talk out the problem before the adrenaline takes over. And because children learn what we do better than what we say, adults should provide a good example by working things out with others without losing their temper.
Support and Report
Your children can become allies in the campaign against bullying. As they move into more situations with less direct adult supervision, friendships are an undeniable strength. Bullies target those who are not only less confident, but those who are friendless. Encourage your children to notice who may need a buddy and to be that buddy – in the school building, on the playground, on the bus, or in the neighborhood. They should also always know where the nearest helpful grown-up is, and stay close if bullying is anticipated. If bullying behavior occurs, they should report it to the grown-up right away.
Parents are key to building positive self-esteem, creating a culture of kindness, and fostering good social skills. If we work together on this, bullying doesn’t stand a chance.
Dr. Debbie
Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern.
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis.
CCM is open from 10 am to 4 pm daily, including December 25th and January 1st. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Walk-ins are welcome. Art and Story Time with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet is on Mondays at 10:30 am. There is a Nature Walk on Thursdays at 10:30 am. Do you have a child 5 to 17-years-old who belongs on stage? My Musical Theater Winter Camp runs from December 29 through January 2 with a performance at the Busch Library on the last day. On December 31st count down to Noon Year’s Eve with multicultural traditions including making noisemakers, crowns, and festive hats.
