Dear Dr. Debbie,
Could you please explain the value of letting our eighteen-month-old decide what she’d like to play with? And how she’d like to play? My M-I-L is very overbearing and tends to lead when the two of them are together. Our daughter goes along with it most of the time, but I can see she’s a bit frustrated.
Prefer to Follow
Dear PtF,
Other than safety, there’s not much purpose in the adult on duty dictating the direction of a toddler at play. You can introduce a twist on what she’s doing to add to her knowledge of the world, but you’ll get better engagement starting with, and continuing to use, her ideas of what to do. It’s great for Grandma to play with her, but your little one probably has lots of ideas of her own that she’d like to explore.
My Ideas
Let’s say your toddler discovers a tennis ball in the back yard. She’s probably much more interested in the texture, the contour, and the rollability of this newly discovered object than she is in how to play the game of tennis, or in Grandma’s experience in tennis tournaments, or in current events in the world of tennis champions. (Or in whatever Grandma is trying to distract her with.)
If left to lead with her own ideas, an eighteen-month-old might invite her adult playmate to feel the soft roundness of the ball. Left to decide for herself what she might do next, she’d likely discover the joy of dropping it (the first drop is probably an accident), chasing it (it rolls!), scooping it up, and dropping it again.
Think of the exhilaration this self-led play brings!
My Mistakes
Grandma or another attending adult might anticipate that a muddy puddle is in the path of the rolling ball and want to prevent a soaking. Why? Let the child learn about mud puddles from this opportunity! Childhood is a good time to learn how the world works and, again we’re not talking about safety, to learn to recognize regret when a mistake has been made.
If the child doesn’t like that the ball is now wet to the touch, the attending adult can put this experience into words for her and help her choose a course of action. If the child is concerned about mud on the ball, could the garden hose fix the problem? Should they find a towel to dry the ball with? Or should they leave the ball to dry out in the sun and look for something else to do? (Think of the science knowledge that is building when the sundried ball is rediscovered and their earlier experiences with the ball are recounted together later!)
Allowing the child to choose the direction of her play opens up unlimited opportunities to learn what not to do next time, and, more importantly, that she is capable of correcting her actions.
My Communication
Even before a child has many spoken words, play is an excellent medium through which to communicate with her grown-up. Her choices of items and actions communicate her interests, her understandings, and her goals of using you as a playmate (or not).
If she shares the ball with her accompanying grown-up it’s probably to share her moment of discovery about its softness and roundness. Maybe at eighteen months your daughter already has a notion that something of this shape will roll, or maybe the ball’s movement when it hits the ground is a complete surprise. In any event, when the ball rolls, the playful toddler initiates a game out of it.
Following the child’s lead in being interested in the ball, the grown-up acknowledges that this object is indeed interesting while also being interested in what the child finds interesting. (That’s the mark of a good relationship!) The adult’s role is then to follow the child’s lead to chase, scoop, and drop the ball so it can roll again and again.
The respectful adult playmate responds to the child’s unspoken communication with interest to the child’s interest and then by playing the child-initiated game. That’s being a good playmate, and key to a good relationship.
My Present and Future Relationships
A responsive playmate is so important to quality play time! Maybe you and other adults besides Grandma can let your little one be the leader more often than not. Maybe Grandma can learn from your example that it’s okay to let the little one be in charge. Grandma would then learn her granddaughter’s interests and be able to support her in being a good problem solver.
Or maybe your child will come to learn that Grandma isn’t to be counted on for satisfying play time but that she’s just a natural leader sometimes worth following. Maybe Grandma is the perfect guide for learning about nature on a walk through the park, or maybe she’s a good director for following a recipe for making pretzels, or maybe she’s a patient teacher for piano playing instruction, or maybe when she’s in charge of a family event everyone has a great time because she’s really good at being in charge. We all need to be good followers at times.
At eighteen months your child is just becoming aware of her own mind which is an amazing discovery! By age two, her blossoming independence will have her contradicting almost everything you say. Although two two-year-olds often squabble over sharing toys, because they both have keen awareness of their own minds, around age three, and definitely by age four, your daughter will get much better at negotiating and compromising with a playmate.
For now, her grownups should indulge her as much as possible in seeing where her interests and ideas take her.
Dr. Debbie
Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern.
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis.
CCM is open from 10 am to 4 pm daily. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Walk-ins are welcome. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Time with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet is on Monday mornings at 10:30 am. Saturday, September 27 CCM is participating in Nickelodeon’s Worldwide Day of Play along with children’s museums in several countries. From 12-4 pm there will be fun and games inside the museum and in the park. ALL FREE thanks to a grant from Nickelodeon and the Association for Children’s Museums.
