Dear Dr. Debbie,
Our four-year-old daughter is high energy and never stops talking. Fortunately she’s a good sleeper, but even so, I often feel drained by her daily demands for me to play with her. She even goes a couple days a week to a preschool program but outside of that she doesn’t have any friends to play with. We take walks around the block, but there never seems to be any children around.
Catching My Breath
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Dear CMB,
Four-year-olds can be exhausting. Yes, they are on the go. Yes, they have lots to say. And, yes, as you are aware, they need other four-year-olds to play with.
Physical Activities
Your child may be a typical four-year-old, preferring to run rather than walk, and therefore happier outside than in. Or she may continue to be gifted in her energy level throughout her life. Either way, be sure she has ample opportunity to use her natural vitality.
Maybe she’ll join you in chores such as hauling the laundry basket up and down stairs, wheeling the recycling bin to and from the street, washing the car, and sweeping the floor. You can applaud her dance moves and tumbling attempts from your seat on the couch. You don’t have to match her get-up-and-go, but it’s nice if you can appreciate and applaud it.
Yoga isn’t necessarily strenuous (for you), but little ones enjoy it, especially the animal poses. Find a book, website, or short online video for instruction.
Of course all of the above, even chores, are more fun with a friend.
Conversation Outlets
One consequence of the pandemic is that people of all ages have become well acquainted with advances in communication technology. Besides yourself, think of other prospective partners for her loquaciousness. Are there friends and or family members who might be delighted to interface with her?
Age four is a good time to teach telephone etiquette. She can get extra practice in between calls that you guide her through if you hook her up with a no-longer-working telephone. Look around for a cell phone or desk phone she can have to play with for imaginary calls.
Puppets and dolls are great for a two-sided conversation. Your child speaks for everyone. If you don’t have any puppets, use a couple of socks to create some! My daughter used to use her two pointer fingers as conversation partners on long drives in the car. To encourage this, you could add a couple of dots with a pen for the eyes and tiny curves for the mouths!
Of course, the give and take required for conversation skills will grow by leaps and bounds with a friend her own age.
Feed Her Love of Language
As you’ve probably noticed, the expanding vocabulary, increasing length of sentences, and depth of discourse is impressive at age four. Add to her skills with flowery language of your own as well as that of excellent children’s authors. (My children’s Grandma used, “It’s a pleasure to dine with you!” to get the same in reply.) Every parent should share childhood storybook favorites, but in case they’ve slipped from memory, it’s easy to choose from any online booklist of others’ recommendations.
A four-year-old is usually happy to hear herself talk. Some dolls and other toys have built-in recording devices, however a smartphone does the same thing. With a little help from you to get started she can record herself singing, “reading” a book out loud, or using different voices for a puppet show she directs and stars in.
Of course, you get a couple of four-year-olds together and silly words, trendy catch phrases, and newly discovered rhymes are sure to flow between them.
Social Connections
Start with her classmates. Ask the teachers to identify possible playmates for out-of-school playdates. Pre-covid there might have been numerous opportunities for you to meet the other parents and to interact with the class to see who your child plays with. School is usually where families can gain that critical network of parents and children at the same stage of life. Ask the staff if you can help with getting things started for families to get to know each other.
Beyond school, regularly scheduled parent-child activities are another good way for you and your child to make some friends. Even just going to your local library or the children’s museum or your nearest playground at the same time each week will yield familiar faces that can lead to introductions and plans to meet again.
The pandemic put the brakes on in-person meet-ups for moms and their little ones, but they are on the rise, especially on Facebook and other online platforms. Use search words such as “moms” or “mothers” and “fours” or “preschool” and specify your county, city, or neighborhood to find your network.
Everything you’ve identified as missing in your daughter’s life – an equal to her boundless energy, a collaborator for endless chatter, and an enthusiastic playmate – could be fulfilled with a friend.
Make it a priority to find that friend!
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum. She will be presenting Zoom workshops for parents on Mondays 7-9 pm, 13: “I Had it First!” Teaching Conflict Resolution; March 27: Ages and Stages 0-5-years.
The museum is open with online reservations or call: 410-990-1993.
Read more of Dr. Wood’s Good Parenting columns by clicking here.
