A death in the family is a difficult experience for anyone, but it can be especially tough for young kids who may not have any personal experience with loss. Parents may struggle to find appropriate ways to explain death to young children. But there are plenty of ways parents can support their children during the grieving process and make it easier for them to understand.
We spoke with Adriana Espinoza, a clinical social worker and bereavement counselor at Hospice of the Chesapeake, about how parents can approach these difficult conversations.
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
What are some ways parents can introduce the concept of death to young children who may not understand it?
It’s difficult, because everyone reacts differently. For young kids, it’s about being honest in an age-appropriate way. Some people try to be more gentle, but this can lead to confusion or the misconception that it’s not a permanent thing. Using words that are very specific, like “This person has died” or “This person will not come back” gives them the understanding that this is a permanent loss.
If you know that an older relative is going to die soon, how can you prepare a child for that?
You should have a discussion with your partner [or other relatives] about what death is going to look like and what you want it to look like for your kids. Some people want their children to be very involved in the death process, and that’s a personal decision. Even the most peaceful death can look very scary to a young child. Things like feeding tubes and a significant loss of muscle mass can be startling for an adult to see and difficult for a child to understand. You should have these kinds of conversations when [an older relative] starts to decline. If you want your kids to be at more of a distance from it, sending cards or doing video calls with that relative works, and you can have those conversations separately.
Do you think different kinds of deaths — for example, the death of a pet versus a relative — should be approached in different ways?
The way I see it, attachments are complex. You can be very attached to an animal if it’s part of your family support system, and that death may be more significant to a child than that of a relative they haven’t seen in a long time. It’s not really about the specific connection with the deceased. It’s about your relationship with them and the complexity of it. There’s not necessarily an amount of grief you can assign to the losses of certain people or pets no matter who they are.
If a child isn’t coping well with a death in the family, what resources should parents look for to help them?
The nice thing about this day and age is that mental health resources are so much more accessible than they were, especially with telehealth. Schools are a huge support for kids. When there’s a death in the community, school counselors and social workers band together and provide resources to help kids process the experience. If you have a death in the family, your child’s school is going to be one of their biggest support systems, because they’re there for six to seven hours a day, five days a week.
Some parents may worry about their children seeing them be emotional while grieving. Do you have any advice on the matter?
It’s natural, and it’s healthy. Kids are learning to live in this world. They’re learning what relationships look like, they’re learning through you and your partner what conflict looks like and how to resolve it. When we grieve, they learn to express themselves in a healthy manner, versus internalizing it and acquiring negative coping skills. The best thing that you can do for your child is having those conversations of, “You know, this affects me, too. This makes me sad, and this is how I’m processing it. This is how I’m getting over it,” because it’s not only teaching them how to manage their feelings; it’s also showing them that they’re not alone in them.
