Dear Dr. Debbie,
We’re getting frequent reports from our four-year-old’s teachers that she’s leaving the classroom and they have to chase her down to bring her back What are we supposed to do about this? We’re not there!
Trying to Help the Teachers
Dear TTHTT,
True, the “Talk to your child about this” approach can only go so far for parental support for behavior in the classroom. A four-year-old is pretty much living in the moment. Let’s think about these moments and how to eliminate her need to escape.
I Don’t Want to Be Here
There could be many reasons your daughter is trying to escape her classroom. If she’s new to school, or to these teachers, she may be having trouble learning the rules and routines that help to make this environment safe, orderly and predictable. From your daughter’s point of view, there may be too many don’ts and tight controls on the do’s. For her, the structured activities may leave her bored or lost. Or conversely, she feels lost without any specific direction of what she should do. Too much free play time. She may be fearful of rough and tumble classmates and their accompanying loud voices. She may yet be without a friend.
A preschool classroom can be stressful not only for the children, but in a very interrelated way, it’s stressful for the teachers. They have to manage the challenging demands of many children as well as meet administrative requirements for state regulations, for planning, and for constant record keeping. Breaks during the workday are not always guaranteed nor long enough. Unfortunately parents are not always as cooperative as teachers would like them to be. Some parents may get behind with keeping extra clothes supplied, suitable for the ever-changing seasons and the child’s size. This leaves teachers scrambling through the Lost and Found in case of spills and toilet accidents. Parents may miss signs that a child is becoming ill (or be afraid to miss work for fear of losing a job) and send germs into the classroom. This puts staff and other families in jeopardy of catching them.
I Want to Be at Home
If we compare her experience in the classroom with her experiences at home your daughter’s behavior could be saying more about what your family is doing right than what school is doing wrong. She would understandably prefer the looser (or tighter) structure, well-loved toys, familiar furniture, and individual attention she has at home with her parents to what she experiences at school. At least until she finds a friend, gets used to the teachers’ expectations, and settles in to the daily routine.
It’s possible that your daughter has sensitivities to sounds, textures, smells, and or lighting in her classroom. At home, she’s perfectly familiar and comfortable with the sensory input there. She may have learned to keep her shoes off at home, which areas have softer lighting and a tolerable noise volume, and or which playthings are most comfortable to the touch. It may be that she’s trying to escape an overload to one or more of her senses in her classroom. This can be effectively addressed with some accommodations.
If she’s an only child, or even one of two or three children, the school environment could impress her as overly socially stimulating. Too many conversations going on around her. Too many personalities to learn – some of which are confusing or threatening. Too many unclear choices as to whom she should sit near or play with. For her, it’s easier to play alone or with a well-known sibling.
At home she has parents who know her and adore her. At home has everything she needs. Or so she thinks.
Get Her Anchored
The best way to anchor a child to her classroom is for her to have a friend there. She will want to go to school because she’ll be with her friend there. Ask the teachers to help you identify the best candidate. Who does your daughter tend to sit by or play with? If no one comes to mind, then who seems to like to want to sit or play with her? Or who has a compatible temperament and shared interests?
Connect with this potential friend’s parents to arrange meetups on the weekends. Then continue to nurture this relationship with playdates at each others’ homes. Think of it this way – you’re creating an important tool with which your daughter can work through her days at school. A friend is an essential school supply that can’t be bought at the store.
Tighten the Parent-Teacher Connection
Make an effort to show your daughter that her teachers are an extension of her family. Depending on the school policies, see if you can bring your daughter in early enough that you can spend a minute chatting with one of the teachers. This could be about something clever your daughter said this morning. Or a book she particularly enjoys at home. The goal is for your daughter to see that her teacher is interested in her and that her parent and her teacher are sharing information about her with each other.
This could also be accomplished in a scheduled “conference” (this can be very informal) that your daughter attends with you. Parent and teacher share their observations about the child’s interests, personality, and skill development – all positive, of course – so that your daughter understands that these adults are a team working on her behalf.
My mother, an early childhood professional herself with five children, would invite our teachers over for an afterschool tea during about the second week of school each fall. We definitely were impressed that the adults easily conversed with each other – about us, but also on general topics – which led to the realization that they might continue to communicate about our achievements, challenges, etc.
A tighter connection will increase your daughter’s trust of her teachers, seeing with her own eyes and ears that you trust them enough to involve them in her care.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist www.drdebbiewood.com and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum www.theccm.org.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available https://www.theccm.org/event-details/purchase-tickets-in-advance or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
Read more of Dr. Wood’s Good Parenting columns by clicking here.
