Dear Dr. Debbie,
We’re lucky to live in a neighborhood where our children can walk to a friend’s house – a goal of our house-hunting ten years ago. The eight-year-old was visiting his friend after dinner recently with the understanding that he needed to be home by 8 pm so he could get to bed on time. At 7:45 pm, he called (he has a managed contact cell phone) and asked if he could stay longer. He and I negotiated his return to 8:15 pm. I called him at 8:10 pm to remind him to get his coat on, and he said, “Dad said it was okay for me to stay until 8:20.” To be fair, I found out later that the delay was due to an impromptu birthday celebration for the friend’s mom and a chance to eat some cake. But at the time, it felt like my authority was undermined.
“But Dad Said . . .”
Dear B.D.S.,
Dad neglected to talk to Mom.
This scenario underscores the importance of communication and teamwork in parenting. On the plus side, in your child’s mind, talking to one parent is the same as talking to the other. He sees you as two parts of a unit. On the minus side, Dad may not have known your reasoning behind choosing the initial curfew and granting a short extension. Nor did either of them give you the reason for the holdup.
House Rules
Daily schedules are part of house rules. They work well such that mealtimes and bedtimes occur on a predictable basis based on what works best for the family. School nights might have more rigid schedules than non-school nights for the same reason. Ample sleep works out to be best for all.
A clockwork schedule accounts for sports, music lessons, and other out-of-school commitments, as well as parents’ commutes and other responsibilities. A traffic tie-up between sports and dinner may warrant a change in dinner plans to get things back on schedule. A little flexibility may be tolerable, but too many alterations could leave family members’ needs going unmet. (It is recommended that each child have only one weekly commitment outside of school to minimize family stress.)
You and Dad might discuss what the best be-home-by time is for your eight-year-old so that he always knows the deal and can plan his time with friends accordingly. As he moves toward his teens, this time will be adjusted since his school schedule and his sleep needs will change. By the time he gets his first part-time job, he will be familiar with the benefits of setting a good schedule for himself.
Assumedly you were okay with the cake-before-bedtime conduct. If, however, this went against house rules, and your son was well-familiar with the rules, he could have asked for his piece to-go.
You and Dad should periodically discuss ALL the house rules so each of you will speak with the same voice. This adds consistency which helps children abide by the rules.
Reasons for Exceptions
There will be exceptions made to family rules and schedules. Your son’s request to stay a bit longer may have been made at the time the cake was being decorated, with a possible delay to find some candles and a lighter. Things just took a bit longer than expected. Since his friend and the friend’s family were going to have some cake at that late hour, it would’ve been rude not to “do as the Romans” when in Rome.
Just like house rules, the exceptions to the rules are based on the needs of your family. One purpose of a family is to pass on culture and traditions. Another related goal is for the children to become part of the social fabric of the community. As long as the timing didn’t jeopardize his need for a good night’s sleep, and a slice of birthday cake wouldn’t seriously jeopardize his health, the opportunity to participate in his friend’s family’s spontaneous birthday ritual is a good reason to stretch the curfew time and disregard a late-night eating rule.
Again, Mom and Dad should regularly confer about parenting goals and look for opportunities to achieve them. Had it been a topic of discussion, as a shared success, that your child was a welcome visitor at the neighbor’s, the decision to extend his time there for the birthday celebration would have been an easy, “Yes, of course!” from either of you.
Regular Communication
Often, only one parent is “on duty” when a decision needs to be made concerning a child. In this case, giving him the benefit of the doubt, your son may have felt that he had bugged Mom enough so he’d give his next request to his other parent. (Or maybe he was playing the “If Mom says, ‘No’ ask Dad” strategy.)
Because there are two of you sharing the parenting role, you need to regularly communicate how you’re cooperatively managing it. It’s not feasible to communicate minute-by-minute, however, either you or Dad could’ve alerted the other as to your son’s request to extend his visit, and learned the reason for the request, especially since this might compromise his bedtime.
Some couples use a daily check-in regarding their shared management role – who’s making sure the soccer uniform gets into the laundry load, who’s doing the school carpool tomorrow – or at least a weekly time together to discuss the children. The long-term project of raising children can be intense at times, but oh so rewarding when you stop to enjoy the many successes along the way.
This incident was a win for your son’s ability to enjoy the hospitality of the neighbors and a reminder for you and Dad to stay in closer communication with each other regarding shared parenting protocols and goals.
Dr. Debbie
Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern.
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am. Next Monday, honor the birthday of Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. with The Skin You Live In, a hands-on workshop about skin color differences.
