Dear Dr. Debbie,
He said the other boy, his soccer teammate, said something mean to him at practice. That’s why he punched him. Of course our son got in trouble from the coach who told us only about the punching, not the mean words, so we got the full story from our son later. Unfortunately we have seen emotional outbursts at home, so we weren’t completely shocked.
What’s a good follow up to prevent such situations in the future?
Puncher’s Mom
Dear P.M.,
The best prevention is a lot of things. A pattern of emotional outbursts at home suggests that either your son has trouble managing his emotions, or that his life often feels unmanageable to him. This might sound like the same thing but it isn’t.
Personality Trait
Each of us is born with tendencies along a spectrum of easy-going to volatile. A baby who gets upset easily and stays upset longer than other babies is likely to have this trait. In the theory of Temperament Traits this trait is called a high Intensity of Mood.
Other aspects of inborn traits could be causing stress overloads throughout his day. Examples include sensitivities to lights, sounds, smells, textures, or social stimulation. Your child’s outbursts might be happening in reaction to something in his environment other than whatever he says is upsetting him. Did you ever not enjoy a movie or a concert because the sound was too loud? Or stop paying attention to someone’s words because their perfume or cologne was overpowering? If your son is on the “challenging” end of any temperament traits he is much less able than an adult is to do anything about it. He cannot easily minimize the offending aspects of his environment. Rather than retreating inward or actually leaving, as an adult might do, he indiscriminately lashes out.
Stress Load
If a child is often angry, it may be that he has legitimate reasons to be angry. Does he have daily challenges at school? This could be due to an undiagnosed or under-supported learning disability.
If he often blows up at home, maybe his sibling relationship or relationships need improvement. Do what you can to clearly define territories in the home, enhance the siblings’ conflict resolution skills (coaching them to hear each other out and to come to a workable compromise), and be sure to model civility between yourself and all the members of the family.
A professional counselor, or an adult he is close to, might help him open up about the things that are bothering him. Talking about one’s problems with a non-judgmental confidante is a good life skill for reducing stress, even when it doesn’t lead to a solution for controlling the source of the stress.
Mean Words
What’s your son’s take on why the mean words were spoken to him? Is this other boy ever mean to others on the team? If not, was there something your son said or did that provoked the mean words? Is this part of a pattern of aggression between them (verbal or nonverbal and now physical)? Have other children used mean words toward your son? Is there a pattern to him being a target? This conversation might lead to brainstorming about how our behavior is affected by, as well as affects, the behavior of those around us. Perhaps he can think of ways to prevent patterns in his own behavior that could lead to mean words or other aggressive actions from others.
Emotional Regulation
Sleep, nutrition, and exercise are so important for good mental health. And the day’s mood, due to an insufficiency in any or all of these, can lead to trouble dealing with each minor stress in one’s day until the next one that comes along gets the cumulative reaction to them all. The straw that broke the camel’s back, so to speak.
It is possible to improve one’s emotional response to bumps in the road of life. If you would like to help him calm down when he’s upset (at home) try using some reactions that diffuse his need to express just how upset he is:
Reflect his emotional state in calm words, as in “Gosh, that toy must be somewhere. You were just using it a few minutes ago.”
Problem solve, out loud, to eliminate the source of his frustration. For example, if he’s too tired (or tired of school work) to do math problems right after school, work with him to choose a slot of time that would be better.
Walk away to a calm place, and tell him to find you there when he’s ready. This could be a comfy couch, the rocking chair, or any corner of your home which he associates with your reassuring presence. Then give him that.
Repairing the Relationship
Decide if it’s worth patching things up between the boys. This will have to be arranged through the other boy’s parents. If you know them at all, pick the one you believe is most approachable. Ask your son about hosting a playdate. Or having a meet-up at a park. Or just starting with a text conversation about what happened and offering an apology for the hitting.
The goal would be to spend some time in each other’s company in a mutually enjoyable activity. Help your son plan something noncompetitive, for instance, making fluffy slime to play with.
Even if the boys don’t become best buddies, they’re still teammates. It would be nice if they at least got along for the sake of the team.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
“First Foragers of the Chesapeake” is scheduled for Saturday, November 16, 1-3 pm. What plants that still grow here did the people who first arrived find to eat?
Thanks to a grant from the Institute for Museum and Library Services, CCM is hosting low-cost workshops for childcare professionals. “A World of Music and Dance” will be held on Saturday, December 7, 9:30-11:30 am. Register here. The workshop is MSDE-approved for Core of Knowledge content.
Read more of Dr. Wood’s Good Parenting columns by clicking here.
