Consistency: Red Light or Green Light

Dear Dr. Debbie,

I feel like I should be able to give my children, ages two and four, a simple direction and they should follow it. I’m the parent. I’m the boss. I can set the limits on their behavior. Sometimes they listen, but often they do not.

My husband, on the other hand, will negotiate for more time to play before bed, or will say they don’t have to pick up ALL the toys, or excuse the behavior (ex: eating on the couch), or tell me to just forget about it (such as getting a child to put on a jacket before we leave the house).

Suggestions?

Not Paying Attention

Dear Not PA,

Clearly you and Daddy have different approaches to behavior management. Yes, adults are ultimately responsible for children’s behavior, however there’s an easier way to go about getting more consistent compliance.

Red Light or Green Light

Minimize making spontaneous decisions about what a child can do or not do. A simple formula for the family to adopt is to categorize any unacceptable behavior as “Red Light” and any acceptable behavior as “Green Light”.

Some examples of Red Light behaviors:

• Hurting someone with words or actions.
• Taking property that doesn’t belong to you.
• Climbing on the dining room table (or kitchen counter, or the railing on the steps).
• Leaving the yard without a parent.
• Using markers or crayons away from the designated art space.
• Going outdoors inadequately dressed for the weather.

Some examples of Green Light behaviors:

• Getting a snack for oneself from a specified location in the kitchen.
• Eating and drinking occur in the kitchen and dining room.
• Using a butter knife to cut their own pancakes.
• Using the coffee table for crayons or markers (they have to have somewhere to do this).
• Making towers with the poker chips.
• Choosing the day’s outfit according to the weather forecast and planned activities.

Every now and then you might face a “Yellow Light” situation. This might be framed as, “Yes, but” as in, you can use the couch cushions for tumbling but need to put them back before the grandparents arrive.

As much as possible, make a lasting decision about what is and what isn’t allowed so you’re not barking commands at every turn.

Monitoring Needs

Children are much more cooperative when the day flows around predictable needs. These are: food and drink, rest, exercise, positive social interactions (with other children or adults), fun things to do, and loving attention (from their special adults).

Behavior is always better if you plan the day around these needs, and allow for lapses in following the Red Light versus Green Light parameters when the needs couldn’t be adequately met. (Attention from special grown-ups is a significant need in early childhood. Hunger and thirst also rank up there with driving unwanted behavior, as in climbing on a chair to get to the cookie jar.)

As for whether your child needs a jacket, it’s often the case with a two-year-old that she doesn’t feel the need for a jacket while you’re still in the house. You can just grab it in case she needs it later, or offer it to her once you’ve stepped outside. Let her pay attention to her body’s signals so she can use this awareness to eventually take care of her own bodily comfort.

Consistent Team Work

Go over what some good House Rules would be with your parenting partner. You can’t disagree about whether or not the coffee table is the art zone. There has to be a clear Red Light or Green Light here.

It’s advisable to continue to discuss what the rules are, and which are harder to enforce or are no longer necessary, as the children go through developmental stages. For example, twos love to climb but they are still very top heavy. The kitchen stepladder, therefore, should only be used with close supervision. (Keep it folded up in the closet as reinforcement of this rule.) In a couple of years, as bodies stretch out, the supervision requirement can be dropped.

Parents who work together using authoritative rather than authoritarian discipline focus on helping children follow the guidance the grown-ups are jointly maintaining. Discipline is shared between the two parents, but also with respecting each child’s limits and abilities. The child can then better focus on choosing behaviors that turn out to be in her own best interest.

The opposite approach – “because I said so” from the parent on duty (whose own needs may not have been adequately met) – doesn’t take into account a child’s growing ability to manage her emotions, her body, and her relationships with others. She’s more likely to incorporate parental guidance as the foundation of her behavioral choices if all along the rules have been consistent. Her two parents have spoken with one voice about the Red Lights and the Green Lights, making mutually agreed upon adjustments as needed.

Families function best with consistent guidance.

Dr. Debbie

Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern.

Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Walk-ins are welcome. There is a Nature Walk on Thursdays at 10:30 am. Art and Story Time with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet is on Mondays at 10:30 am.

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