Dear Dr. Debbie,
Our three-year-old tends to whine when she wants something from Mommy or Daddy. We’re all getting used to having her baby brother in the family, who naturally cries when he needs something, but she can use her words!
Asking nicely for help and,
Wishing She Would
Dear WSW,
A whine comes from a state of vulnerability. Let’s address the message behind the whine and suggest some strategies so that whining doesn’t become habitual.
“I’m Powerless”
The tone of voice for a whine is intentionally annoying. It is meant to get attention, hopefully from someone who can help the whiner to succeed with something. An interesting research study by Rosemarie Sokol Chang and Nicholas S. Thompson showed that a whining voice, heard on an audio tape, had an effect on subjects, whether they were parents or not. For the adult subjects, more of what was said was remembered when it was expressed in a whine. Whining draws attention. Further, when the adults in the study were listening to the whining voice, they made more mistakes on math problems and completed fewer problems than they did when listening to other recorded sounds.
If you can recognize that your child’s whine is a request for help, and quickly provide that help, she won’t need to escalate her whining.
“I’m Unimportant”
Understandably, when there’s a new baby in the family, his needs take priority. The older sibling’s role takes a significant shift such that she may have to wait, or be told to do something herself that previously a parent would’ve helped her with. After days, weeks, or months, of being put off in this way, the child may feel that her parents don’t value her as they once did.
This feeling of low value is reinforced when a parent responds in anger to the whining child. A negative reaction is further proof to the three-year-old that she isn’t important and that her request for help is interfering with something more important, in this case the baby brother’s need.
Instead, react with positive attention, even though her request comes as a whine.
Decipher the Message
We’ve acknowledged that a whining tone is annoying. Try to re-frame your child’s whine as a call to action. Listen to the words and respond appropriately. If she can’t have what she’s asking for right now, tell her when she can. (Soon, I hope!) If she can’t ever have it, give her a quick and calm explanation and change the subject. Maybe she just needs some positive attention (she doesn’t NEED that leaf she forgot to bring back from the playground). Have a conversation with her has you diaper and feed the baby. Let her choose the song you sing or the book you read to the baby. Tell her lots of stories about when she was a baby.
It is important to let her know that her request has been heard so she doesn’t have to keep repeating it, nor fall apart if it’s not being immediately addressed. (If she does fall apart, use tantrum calming tips to help her get through it.)
Problem Solve with Empathy
The important thing is to listen to her request for help despite the manner in which it is communicated. Acknowledge that she is upset, frustrated, angry, sad, jealous, or whatever words best fit the situation. Express your concern for her well-being. Reassure her that you will help her. If she can’t have a cookie because it’s too close to dinner time, get her a whole-grain cracker or a cherry tomato, or give her a task to help with dinner prep. The empathetic response to a hungry child is to expediently get food in her.
When you reframe your child’s whining as a call to action, you are teaching her how you solve a problem, including abiding by consistent house rules when you can’t get her what she wants right now. Eventually she’ll be solving her own problems as well as asking other people besides her parents for help.
Modeling
How do you ask for help? Although whining one’s needs to those in power seems to be universal, even dogs do it, the amount of whining a young child uses may differ depending on whether whining is the ONLY way to get attention, and whether there are other whiners around using similar methods for getting their needs met. Yes, whining, due to feelings of helplessness and worthlessness, may be contagious, as are other emotions.
There are a lot of challenges in the transition from a one-child family to a two-child family. A marriage is stressed when there often is more to do for two little ones than two tired, too tired, parents can manage. How do you ask each other for help? Is the response empathetic and solution oriented? Are you finding ways to give each other positive attention? Have you identified and taken advantage of “outside help” for cooking, laundry, childcare, etc.?
You will reduce your child’s whining when you show her a model of successfully asking for and receiving the help you need without whining for it.
This will help you to more effectively meet your family’s needs so no one has to resort to whining.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist www.drdebbiewood.com and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum www.theccm.org.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available https://www.theccm.org/event-details/purchase-tickets-in-advance or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
The museum is hosting Get Wet Day on Saturday, August 10 from 11 am to 1:30 pm. Come in your swimsuit and go home in your towel!.
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