Dear Dr. Debbie,
My neighbor’s daughter is 16 and seems to be depressed. Over the years, I have gotten used to her melancholy and often philosophical moods, which have prompted some enjoyable conversations between us. She has recently changed her appearance, which is what concerns me.
She has multiple ear piercings and colored hair which is shaved on one side. We still talk and she seems to be the same girl I’ve known, but my fear is that she will be pulled into social groups that have no care for the future.
Her mother, unfortunately, has nothing good to say about her. She complains (to me) that her child often misses the morning bus, stays up too late texting, waits until the last minute with school assignments and still avoids eating vegetables despite claiming to be vegetarian. I often overhear the two of them squabbling about these and other issues, each hurling hurtful words at the other.
I know it’s normal for mothers and daughters to bicker at this stage, but this is nearly constant. Would I be overstepping neighborly bounds to inquire if she is getting treatment for depression?
Only In Their Best Interest
Don’t miss last week’s column Waiting for a preschooler to be better at waiting — Good Parenting
Dear OITBI,
From your description, it appears you are less a nosy neighbor than a caring family friend. It may help to start a conversation with the mother about a person you have known who was diagnosed with depression and successfully treated — a friend, family member or yourself. This way she can be reassured that your interest is from an experienced and supportive perspective. Often mental illness is stigmatized so that sufferers and their families fear judgment and ostracism should they admit to having symptoms or an actual diagnosis. This often prevents getting someone to treatment, particularly teenagers.
Teenage depression often goes undiagnosed and untreated, mainly because symptoms can be easily dismissed as typical teenage behavior. According to the National Institute for Mental Health, 11.4 percent of the U.S. population aged 12 to 17 had depression in 2014. This is qualified as “a period of two weeks or longer during which there is either depressed mood or loss of interest or pleasure, and at least four other symptoms that reflect a change in functioning, such as problems with sleep, eating, energy, concentration and self-image.”
The U.S. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Administration reported that of these 2.6 million depressed teens, only 38.1 percent received treatment. Untreated teenage depression can lead to other issues such as substance abuse, bulimia, irresponsible sex, petty crime, school failure and other forms of self harm.
Treatment may consist of one-on-one counseling, group counseling, and or family counseling, and possibly medication. Sleep, exercise and nutrition factor into depression. Healthier habits should be encouraged by the counselor or other treating professional, and friendly reinforcement from someone the girl has a good relationship with, such as yourself, could help.
If your young friend is already receiving treatment, you can let her mother know that you are relieved and optimistic, and ready to be of assistance if needed.
On the other hand, if the mother is resistant to the idea that mental health treatment would make things better for her daughter (and for her as well), your role may be to continue to monitor the situation, to offer nonjudgmental support as a family friend, and to persuasively steer the family toward the resources available to them. This can start with their health care provider, the school guidance department or their faith organization.
In Anne Arundel County, the Mental Health Hotline at 410-768-5542 is available for immediate assistance and has a mobile crisis unit as well as contact information for appropriate local resources, many of which are free. A list of county services for mental health can also be found at the Anne Arundel County website.
You could consider attending a “Mental Health First Aid” class Saturday, May 21, from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m., at Woods Memorial Presbyterian Church in Severna Park. Registration is free, but the class size is limited.
Your concern is honorable. Your hunch that constant discord coupled with a sudden change in appearance could be symptoms of teen depression is well worth following up on.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood is a child development specialist in Annapolis. She holds a doctorate in Human Development from the University of Maryland at College Park and is founding director of the Chesapeake Children’s Museum. Long time fans and new readers can find many of her “Understanding Children” columns archived on the Chesapeake Family Magazine website. You can find her online at drdebbiewood.com.
What do you think? Leave your thoughts in the comments or submit a question to Dr. Debbie at Betsy@jecoannapolis.com
