Dear Dr. Debbie,
I grew up in another country, but our children were born here. As I was growing up, I learned to be very frugal with money, make do with what we had and always save for the future. My daughter (age 25 years), living at home and working, has announced that she is spending $500 on a personal trainer to help her manage her diet and her exercising. This is ridiculous!
I lost my temper when she told me, and now I feel badly about hurting her feelings. But I still don’t think this is a good use of her money.
Still Her Mom
Dear S.H.M.,
This conflict appears to be a clash of values, probably based in cultural as well as generational differences. There is also an issue of adult independence. Though it differs from family to family (and between cultures), parents generally back away from controlling their children’s lives beyond the teen years. The values you modelled and reinforced should be well in place by this time.
A Family’s Values
Children absorb the value system of their upbringing through the family’s daily actions. When money is tight, families get by with multigenerational homes, home-cooked meals, hand-me down clothes and toys, public transportation, etc. If frugality has been repeatedly demonstrated based on the family’s circumstances, this value guides a person’s choices into adulthood. Second-hand feels comfortable.
Hopefully, your daughter is contributing to household expenses while practicing good economics in her choice to live at home. She’s not alone in this arrangement. According to the Pew Research Center, 18% of young adults, ages 25 to 34, were living in a parent’s home in 2023. “A majority of young adults living with a parent say the arrangement is good for their finances.”
You may also have learned, and passed down, a value of paying attention to good health practices. While her decision to use $500 to improve her health is not how you would handle this goal, she is reflecting a family value to invest in professional services to keep her on track with nutrition and exercise.
Her decision might be comparable to protecting the value of a car by spending money on a good mechanic for regular maintenance. While you might be able to change your oil, rotate your tires, and change brake pads preventatively, getting on a professional mechanic’s schedule assures that the car’s resale value is protected. This saves problems and costs in the long run.
Generational Differences
A young adult has to figure out a way to earn enough income for housing and transportation needs, possibly paying off college debt, and those pesky responsibilities such as laundry and food. If her budgeting is good, there’s enough for her wants after her needs are taken care of.
Older generations may have set their sights on home ownership, a job with health benefits and family leave time, a 401K and a stock portfolio to be able to support themselves and their families long into the future.
In contrast, young adults today seem to be stretching out the developmental phase known as adolescence — becoming an adult — by prioritizing experiences before settling into family responsibilities.
The National Center for Health Statistics reports the average age of first-time motherhood was 27 ½ years old in 2023. It was a little over 21 years old back in 1970. For the past two decades, there’s been a trend of reduced births across the country. Parenthood may not even be considered by your young adult. Pew Research reports that the choice of childlessness is at 47% of adults under the age of 50.
And life expectancy plays into how money decisions are made. Worldwide, if you were born in 1900, your life expectancy was 32 years. Babies born anywhere in the world in the year 2000 can expect to live an average of 66.4 years, and if they were born in the Americas, it’s 73.2 years. The Pew Research Center reports that “In the last three decades alone, the U.S centenarian population (ages 100 years or more) has nearly tripled” and shows no signs of declining. Your daughter may be setting a goal of shoring up her health for the long run.
Her Values, Her Money
While your daughter may have taken in lessons of frugality from you, she may just be expressing it in her own way to address the circumstances of her life.
She also is plenty old enough to learn to live with the consequences of her decisions.
Use this clash between you to engage in a conversation about your concern about her financial management, while applauding the value of taking care of her health. Help her determine a financial formula for her goals. This could include a percentage of her income set aside for essentials (rent, food, transportation, clothes, healthcare, paying off debt) and a reasonable amount for saving, which could include investment. The rest is for discretionary use.
A common recommendation for a young adult is 50% for essentials, 20% for savings (and emergencies) and 30% for “wants”.
She’s an adult. Unless they are life-threatening, leave her discretionary choices to her.
Dr. Debbie
Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern.
Deborah Wood, Ph.D., is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis. Online reservations are available, or call: 410-990-1993. Walk-ins are welcome. There is a Nature Walk on Thursdays at 10:30 a.m. Art and Story Time with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet is on Mondays at 10:30 a.m.
Kids ‘n’ Kaboodle, the totally free fair for all the children of Annapolis, will be held at Bates Athletic Complex Saturday, June 6, from noon to 4 p.m. FREE everything: live entertainment, healthy food, pony rides, games, book giveaway, art activities, face painting, emergency vehicles and other fun activities from community partners. Co-sponsored by City of Annapolis Recreation and Parks.
