Dear Dr. Debbie,
My four-year-old doesn’t listen to me. It’s embarrassing when we’re out, like at the library. When I say it’s almost time to leave, he says, “Okay, Mommy” and keeps playing. Then I give him a 2-minute warning, and he again says, “Okay, Mommy” and keeps playing. Then when the time is up I tell him to put the toys back and he pretends he doesn’t even hear me. I tell him we won’t come back to the library (one of his favorite places) if he doesn’t come with me. Still playing. I threaten no dessert for dinner. Still playing. I end up carrying him out to the car kicking and screaming.
Feeling Ineffective
Dear F.I.,
Words are most effective with a four-year-old when followed with immediate action. Also, the dynamic you describe, with continuing disregard from him despite escalating threats from you, sounds like a power struggle.
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
Did you really mean that you’d never take him to the library again? I don’t believe that you meant it and your son probably doesn’t either. This is an example of an empty threat. Your second threat – no dessert – is also ineffective because it’s not something that’s going to happen right now, and perhaps he knows from past empty threats to this effect that it’s going to be forgotten by dinner time anyway. (Rather than a threat of no dessert, the promise of dessert can be effectively used as an enticement for getting through the veggies and protein part of the meal. Manageable portion sizes help, too.)
Threats can be effective, however, if you think them through. What is a logical consequence of your son’s choosing to keep playing with toys at the library when you’ve announced that it’s time to put them away? How about, “Or I’ll put them away for you.” Then do it. What’s important is that the toys get put away, not that you are bigger than he is. Cleaning up after oneself is an important social skill for him to learn so he can live in harmony with others the rest of his life. When you offer to help with the cleanup, you are living this value. Leaving the library with the toys left out is not.
Defuse a Power Struggle
The purpose of a parent’s threat is usually to control the child. The child’s choice is to respond with compliance (submission to the parent’s power) or defiance (a counter display of power). A power struggle exists when two individuals behave as if they are on opposing sides.
Drop the power struggle. Get on his side. He needs help to move on with his day. Perhaps lunch is next. Or grocery shopping for dinner. Or a scheduled play date with a friend at the park. Rather than acting as his enemy – using your power to control him, you should act as his ally – working on his behalf to help him get to the next thing on today’s schedule. When you announce that it is time to clean up, add, “I’ll help you put the toys away so we can go . . .”
Read my past advice about decentering to see how to successfully help a child to disengage from whatever he’s doing to comply with your request. It’s simply a matter of taking his perspective.
Easy Transitions
Re-write the script you use when it’s time to leave the library. Transitions are difficult for young children because they are so focused on the present moment. Your verbal announcements of “soon”, “two minutes”, and “now” can be part of the script. You could slip in a quick check of, “Have you decided that these are the two books you want to check out?” just before the final announcement. (If they’re not, make choosing the books his responsibility while you start putting the toys away.) Then include him in the checkout by handing him his two books after all the toys are cleaned up. After checking them out, he gets to carry the books to the car. This breaks the transition into small steps, that he’s part of, to get him going in the right direction.
The key to easy transitions is to have repetitive, reliable, routines. Step one is predictably followed by step two, then step three, etc. Keep in mind, that these steps are from the child’s perspective. He’s playing with the toys. He’s chosen the books to take home. He checks the books out. He carries them to the car. Your role is to remind him, as needed, of which step he’s on. You also help him to shift his focus to what lies ahead – whether that’s looking at one of his books in the car, meeting up with a friend, or choosing the fruit at the grocery store for tonight’s dessert.
Dispense with the empty threats and use your parenting powers to guide your child with meaningful words and actions worth copying.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum..
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 5 pm. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
On July 17 the museum is hosting FROZEN Yummies from 1-3 pm. You can make and taste mock ice cream from frozen bananas and taste other delicious frozen fruits.
The museum is hosting a three-day conference for early childhood professionals, Creativity and Well-being August 1-3. Registration is now open.
Read more of Dr. Wood’s Good Parenting columns by clicking here.
