Dear Dr. Debbie,
My two teen-age daughters oblige their father with every other weekend visits at his house. This has been going on for two years. Although he lives fairly close, and has said it’s fine, they have never invited a friend over there. By the way, he was never very involved with them (and their friends) even before we separated. Should I try to force this? It doesn’t seem fair that the girls don’t get to see their friends for a whole weekend at a time on a regular basis.
(Almost) Full Custody Mom
Dear A.F.C.M.,
The teen years should be full of friends, should have time for exploring interests, and should include preparations for independence.
Meet the Parents
Your ex would benefit from getting to know who his children’s friends are beyond their names. He should be encouraging conversations about these friends. One’s friend group says a lot about one’s identity and values. Friends are privy to each other’s thoughts and feelings as they help each other sort them out. Teens use their friends as sounding boards for making decisions. Teens have big questions and take big risks. Watching her friend make a mistake may help a teen avoid a similar blunder. So getting to know their friends will help Dad understand who his daughters are and see who they are becoming.
It’s a common custom for teens’ parents to meet each other before letting the teens spend time at each other’s homes or go somewhere with the friend’s parent driving. This may be a barrier for the friends coming to Dad’s house. If the friends’ parents have never met him, this needs to be arranged. This is easier to do before teens are old enough to drive themselves places.
A meet-up between parents could be at a school event, or if you’re comfortable with it, an intergenerational get together at your home. Your daughters may sense that either of these options would take Dad out of his social comfort zone. They may just be used to their every other weekend visits being friendless.
Doing Things
Parents who have limited but scheduled time with their children, as a result of a divorce agreement, may view their parenting weekends as a compact time for sharing interests they may have with their children – fishing, home improvement projects, museum hopping, sports or movie-watching, etc. Perhaps your daughters know that Dad already has the time well-planned out for activities and outings the he enjoys doing with them. Alternatively, if he spends the time doing his own things around the house while the girls are left to entertain themselves, perhaps they are exploring their own interests through books, the internet, or creative hobbies.
Maybe the girls don’t invite friends to their weekends at Dad’s because they’re boring.
Give them and their Dad some suggestions for pastimes to pursue. Anne Arundel County Public Library can get you start on hobbies from cartooning, to cooking, to crocheting. Then there are scheduled clubs and classes, such as scouts, or sports, or the arts, that meet on weekends. Two friends might sign up together so the parents can carpool and the girls can spend time before or after at each other’s home. Anne Arundel County’s Recreation and Parks has a variety of weekend classes for teens. If you have a teen who is sixteen-years-old or older, she can register with her friend for a noncredit weekend course at Anne Arundel Community College. Of course a weekly commitment would require teamwork among all the parents for shuttling the girls to their activities.
Could it be that your daughters see enough of their friends at school and during the time they are at your home? Weekends at Dad’s may be a welcome break from the typical drama of teen relationships.
Independence
Perhaps time at Dad’s house, where he has only himself to take care of most of the time, is where your daughters are learning how to prepare their own meals and snacks, clean up after themselves, fix things they’ve broken, and choose how to entertain themselves, because he’s not going to do it for them. Hopefully they are supporting each other with these tasks if they sense he’d rather be left out of them.
Maybe they’re getting a taste of independence under Dad’s not-too-involved style of parenting. This is their every-other-weekend opportunity to live the life of a young adult, dorm-style, with just enough supervision to prevent a calamity.
Single Parent But Not Alone
But fatherhood can be so much more. Would Dad take advantage of books or websites to help him be more a more engaged parent? He’s certainly not the only man who ever had teen age daughters. “Ten Tips to Help Dads and Daughters Stay Close” is an easy to read primer on how a father can interact with a teen daughter to make a big difference now and for her future.
The author notes the change that occurs from parenting a younger child to parenting a teen:“as they get older we have to take on more of a consulting role.” Listen, discuss rather than dictate, give praise . . . these tips are succinct and supportive of a healthy father-daughter relationship.
Teen years can be tough. When their friends aren’t around, it’s an ideal time for some one-on-one time with Dad.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. On Thanksgiving Day the museum is open 10 am to noon. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
Thanks to a grant from the Institute for Museum and Library Services, CCM is hosting low-cost workshops for childcare professionals. “A World of Music and Dance” will be held on Saturday, December 7, 9:30-11:30 am. Register here. The workshop is MSDE-approved for Core of Knowledge content.
Read more of Dr. Wood’s Good Parenting columns by clicking here.
