The film stars Billy Crystal (of “Tooth Fairy” and “Monsters, Inc. 3D”) and Bette Midler as Artie and Diane Decker, estranged from their daughter, Alice (Marisa Tomei, of “Crazy, Stupid, Love.” and “The Lincoln Lawyer”), for years. Artie and Diane live in Fresno, Calif.; Alice and husband Phil (Tom Everett Scott, of “Mars Needs Moms”), an inventor, live in Atlanta. For years, Artie and Diane’s lives were defined by his gig as the voice of the Fresno Grizzlies, the area’s minor-league baseball team; he was recently fired, however, for not being able to navigate Twitter, Facebook, or any other social media. What’s a status? A hashtag? Artie has no clue, and his dream of broadcasting for the San Francisco Giants is put on hold.
Artie’s lack of tech savvy is not only an issue in his professional life, but becomes problematic personally, too, when he and Diane—separated for years from Alice and Phil—are invited to their home to babysit their three children when a sudden work trip comes up. Geeky tech guy Phil has wired the entire home to know its inhabitants, talk back, and basically interact with them as much as possible; thrust into that environment, Artie, so used to being in charge, is totally thrown off-guard. Answering to a computer? Impossible. And compounding that disconnect is kids these days—grumble, grumble.
There’s overachieving Harper (Bailee Madison, of “Just Go With It” and “Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark”), who practices her violin for hours but is terrified of talking to boys. Next is Turner (Joshua Rush, of “Playing for Keeps”), the middle child with a speech impediment, stuck in an introverted shell. And lastly is youngest Barker (Kyle Harrison), a prankster who won’t let any bathroom humor pass him by.
The kids are manic, misunderstood, and, having never really interacted with Artie and Diane before, totally unsure of what to expect. So when the grandparents give them sugar, against Alice’s strict parenting rules, they’re shocked! Excited! When Artie encourages Turner to face his anxieties, to “wink” at his fear to show he’s not afraid, that’s another point for him and Diane. And so it goes, with the grandparents making small, incremental victories for old-school parenting, indulging the children while also disciplining them, and bonding a relationship with them in the hopes that it will bring them closer to Alice, too. They’re family, aren’t they? And, against all odds, family sticks together.
This is all fairly inoffensive and well-meaning; it’s hard to critique any kind of film that encourages grandparents, parents, and children to get along. Is there anything else we want more during the holiday season? But “Parental Guidance” falters because of its overwhelming blandness. Acting-wise, that’s not the case: Crystal, Midler, and Tomei are on point. The former two do their jobs with an excitable amount of energy and enthusiasm, and really hit a nice emotional note when they discuss their fears of aging; similarly, Tomei is gracious and likeable. And of the kids, Madison is the most natural and effusive; her wide smile as her connection with her grandparents develops is a delight. It’s annoying, then, to see her forced into typical “crazy kid” stereotypes, like trying to scarf down a huge cake before her mother finds out, pouting about boys, or being sarcastic and doubtful of others, calling her family “so past weird.” There is more to young girls than this, isn’t there?
The problem, really, is the reductive script from husband-and-wife writing team Lisa Addario and Joe Syracuse, who go for the lowest common denominator with many of these jokes. When combined with the uninspired directing from Andy Fickman (who previously directed “Race to Witch Mountain”), who jumps from scene to scene so rapidly that viewers will struggle to get involved with what’s happening onscreen, things just don’t click. Most jokes seem old and fall flat, like when Artie tries out for a gig commentating the X Games but has no idea what he’s doing (that would be more believable a decade ago, no?), or another where he threatens to spank Barker in public. They’re the expected jokes about old people, you know? Nothing here is breaking the mold.
That’s not, I suppose, what “Parental Guidance” is supposed to be about—the film functions more as a reassurance of the mold than an attempt to tweak it. So much of it is an endeavor by Crystal, in his portrayal of Artie and as a producer of the film, to reaffirm that old ways are sometimes the better ways, that the good ol’ days are alive and well. That’s all fine, and it’s an OK enough message for a few hours in the movie theater with your family. But for all its messages and lessons, the film’s resistance to change is what makes “Parental Guidance” so forgettable.
