Dear Dr. Debbie,
We are planning to attend a funeral service for my great aunt and have had conflicting suggestions concerning bringing our four-year-old. It’s going to be a very small group of people, all of whom she knows, including one baby cousin.
Recently she has been very curious about who’s who in the family – how some of her aunts and uncles are my and my husband’s siblings and how her grandparents are our parents, etc. She has seen her great great aunt at family events a few times each year but I wouldn’t say they’ve really had a relationship.
On The Fence
Dear O.T.F.,
Death is a hard reality of life no matter what the circumstances. Please accept my sincere condolences for your family’s loss. Whether or not to take a child to a family funeral depends on a few factors.
Your Sadness
Children don’t like to see their all-powerful parents sad, but it happens, and can be a good lesson. At age four, your daughter’s emotions are still very dependent on yours, so expect that your sadness will make her sad, too. But she shouldn’t be exposed to so much of your emotional pain that it makes her anxious or scares her.
If she catches you being sad, explain that you are sad because you loved your great aunt and that she has died. Ask for hugs so she can learn about comfort. Do you anticipate that you may be sniffling and shedding tears at the service? If so, you can assign a not-so-grieving friend or family member to accompany your daughter at the funeral so that this person, less emotionally affected by the death, can give a whispered narration about what’s happening. Distraction or removal can be provided by this special person if your daughter completely loses interest to the point of distracting other mourners.
Alternatively, if your grief is not overwhelming, and you can sit near the back, you can be the one to guide your child through the proceedings and exit with her if necessary. Likewise, if the mourners gather afterwards for food and conversation, your child needs to be under your direct supervision or that of a familiar friend or family member.
Mommy’s Attention
Might you be counted on to be the support person for other family members at the gathering? Perhaps the spouse, siblings, children or grandchildren of your great aunt? If so, your child will definitely need her own grown-up, or a teen-aged cousin, to stay by her side so you can better serve as support and comfort for more immediate family members of the deceased.
Similarly if you will have responsibilities for food or other aspects of the event, it would be best to have a support person assigned to interact with your child.
Family Friendly Family or Not
Some families wouldn’t think of having a wedding, graduation celebration, or other special event without all the little ones in attendance. If you’re lucky enough to be in one of these families, of course they expect your child to be there. There will be ready laps for her to sit on, attentive conversation partners to engage with, and alert helpers when it comes to managing your child’s refreshments and bathroom needs.
On the other hand, some families follow narrow guidelines as to which events are appropriate for guests who may blurt out loudly that they have to use the bathroom. In such families, even a nursing infant may be perceived as an unwanted distraction from the purpose of the event which is to lament and honor the loss of a life and to provide comfort to those who are grieving.
Death is Part of the Timeline of Life
At some point, your child needs to be introduced to the concept of death. Generally children under the age of five have trouble grasping the finality of it. (“Aunty went away but she’ll come back soon.”) The more you talk about it, using words such as “died” and “dead” and pointing out examples you find in nature including plants and animals, the sooner your child will come to understand that death is the end of life. Add to her understanding with concrete examples as they arise.
Since your daughter has been asking about familial relationships you can include ancestors who have already died. It is hard for a child to conceive of a time before her memory (even before her birth!) so these conversations will be better understood after she’s had the experience of this funeral. It serves as a time marker between Great Great Aunty’s presence at family events and her permanent absence from here on out.
Even if you decide not to take her with you, you can later refer to the funeral in your conversations about the family tree. Remind her who she stayed with while you went to the funeral so she has the idea that something important and final has happened in the family.
For your child, however, there will be little changed in her day-to-day life. It will be up to you and others who knew her Great Great Aunty well to share stories to connect your little one to this person. These are the real treasures of a person’s legacy.
There may be questions about why a person had to die. Give a brief medical explanation – the heart stopped beating, the lungs stopped breathing, the brain stopped working – so she has a little bit of predictability to death’s onset. There are many things we can do to prevent death through our daily practices for health and safety. At the end of life, it is often the case that even with the help of medical professionals all that can be done cannot prevent a death.
It may be comforting to hear about pleasant last experiences and loving last words that acknowledge that our loved one did not suffer long or that their suffering had ended. Winston’s Wish http://www.lianalowenstein.com/talking_to_children_about_death.pdf, an organization in the United Kingdom, provides a good list of talking points you can adapt to your situation to help your child come to terms with death’s reality.
A funeral can be a good learning experience for a child when framed as a way to honor a person’s life and as a comfort ritual for the family.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
On Saturday, December 14, the museum is preventing events as part of the Bicentennial of Lafayette’s Farewell Tour. Miss Debbie will present Children’s Games from Long Ago at Visit Annapolis!, 26 West Street from 10 am to 12 pm. Two family concerts of period music will be presented at the museum by David and Ginger Hildebrand at 2 pm and again at 3 pm. These events are free thanks to a grant from the Institute for Museum and Library Services.
