Loose laws
But an Annapolis attorney who practices family law and who recently gave a talk to fellow lawyers on the subject of free-range parenting, says the directive does little to clear up what is acceptable parenting and what is not. For example, the directive does not say whether allowing a child to walk a couple of blocks home from a park unsupervised is a no-no, explains Jonathan Gladstone, the attorney.
What confuses parents, Gladstone says, is one person’s neglect and substantial risk of harm are another person’s safe parenting style.
“Neglect is supposed to be the embodiment of society’s consensus on what attention is necessary,” he says. “But that consensus is a moving target.” What was acceptable parenting a few decades ago, such as letting your child roam the neighborhood unsupervised, might now be considered neglect, Gladstone says.
And that’s the rub for many parents.
Nicole Bartels, former president of the Bowie-North MOMS (Mothers Offering Mothers Support), said the group’s Facebook page erupted with comments after the Silver Spring incidents.
“A lot of people said it’s a shame we live in a world where kids can’t ride their bikes to the park,” says the stay-at-home mother of a 5- and 3-year-old. She agreed, but adds: “I actually chimed in and said, ‘I’m not sure we do live in a world where kids can’t do that. I think we just created this world in our heads.’ “
Bartels notes that crime has dropped over the past few decades, both locally and nationally. (Law enforcement statistics show the violent crime rate has dropped by about half in the past 20 years, both in Maryland and nationwide.) But due in part to social media and to extraordinary coverage of any child abductions, she says, “we are just more hyper-aware of the incidents. … As parents we have a tight grip on our kids and we get very nervous that something’s going to happen to them.”
Despite her own nervousness on the issue, she hopes to begin letting go of her two children shortly.
“It’s important for them to be able to be independent and to learn some things on their own, and not always have mommy holding their hand. I probably won’t be able to completely let go,” she adds with a laugh, “but probably around the age of 7 or 8, I’ll give them a little more freedom.”
Age of independence?
Social workers don’t dispute the importance of fostering independence in children. They tell horror stories of their own about college-age students who don’t know how to do their own laundry and of mothers who sob hysterically when they drop their children off at school, which prompts their children to do the same thing. They also agree there is no magical age for determining when children become independent.
However, they insist, some guidelines are needed to protect the children.
“The government does not want to intrude on families,” Ferretto says. “The majority of parents are doing the best they can, and well-meaning parents are all the time making tough decisions about parenting. But sometimes their decisions or lack of a decision put the child in harm’s way. And that’s the role of protective services.”
Patti Cummings, a social worker based in Annapolis who has worked with families for more than 30 years, understands where people are coming from with the free-range approach.
“The problem is, how does the system know what parents have done or haven’t done to prepare their children to be able to accomplish things independently?” she says. Cummings believes there needs to be a set age for when children no longer need supervision. “You need guidelines.”
Cummings likens child protection laws to traffic laws. “Everybody says, ‘Who’s the system to tell us how to parent?’ ” she says. “Well, who’s the system to tell us how fast we can drive or that we have to wear a helmet while driving a motorcycle? You might be able to drive your Corvette safely at 85 miles per hour, but not everyone is.”
Which side is winning?
Still, some wonder whether the pendulum has swung too far — whether the helicopter parents have won.
“There’s a big gray area in parenting as to what falls into neglect versus what’s just a difference in opinion in how to raise kids,” Solares says. Her worry is that now the general consensus is falling more towards over parenting. “If you’re not helicopter parents and with your kids until they’re 12 years old, then you’re somehow a bad parent.”
Lena Temples, a mother of four in Pasadena, says the fear out there won’t do kids any favors.
“…If we live our lives in complete fear, whoever the bogeyman is, is going to win,” she says. “It teaches the child that they need to be uber-paranoid. And, it teaches them that if they fall down, mom’s going to be there to pick them up, so they don’t have to get back up on their own. They don’t learn to trust their own instincts.”
Temples said she often lets her 3-year-old daughter play in her front yard alone, and also lets her walk the half-mile or so to the local park with one of her teenage siblings.
“I know this is going to make me sound nasty, but I don’t want to be there to hold her hand every minute of every day,” Temples says. “Because I know that I’m not going to be able to … So she has to have that independent streak. … And she already does.”
By Pete Pichaske
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