Dear Dr. Debbie,
I’ve heard that it’s common for first-time moms to have nightmares during pregnancy about being a bad mother. I check that box. I also have vivid memories of my mother being distant when I needed support, dismissive of my feelings, and angry that she was burdened with me. We’re not close now and that seems to be fine for both of us.
My life at present is very different than hers was when she was raising me and my siblings. For one, my dear husband and I are looking forward to being much better parents than the ones we had.
How do I best chart a new course for our little family?
Fresh Start
Dear F.S.,
You and the father-to-be are embarking on a journey that is best navigated with preparation, inner strengths, and ongoing support. You’ve taken an important first step to acknowledge that the example your mother showed you is not the one you want to follow.
Invested in Parenting
Teamwork is an important component of good parenting. Sounds like you and your husband are ready to diverge from the past to forge a new path as the parents you’d like to be.
The two of you can enroll in a workshop or two before the baby comes, perhaps through your prenatal care office. See if these local resources have something to fit your schedules: University of Maryland Baltimore Washington Medical Center, Luminus Health (Anne Arundel Medical Center), or Anne Arundel County Dept. of Health. Workshops may include information on breastfeeding, babyproofing your home, and other practical topics.
There are plenty of books covering these subjects and more. Look for these titles and others in the 618 section of your public library:
Caring for your baby and young child: birth to age 5 (2024)
Pregnancy, childbirth, and the newborn: the complete guide (2024)
Baby and toddler basics: expert answers to parents’ top 150 questions (2023)
The Sears baby book: everything you need to know about your baby from birth to age two (2022)
Choose Good Models
What do you see as attributes of a competent parent? Actually, this was a question I used with first time expectant moms in my dissertation research. The 40 women in my study were then asked how they believed they would measure up on the qualities they felt were most important.
The answers comprised strengths in three areas: 1) valuing the mothering role, 2) resource management (including utilizing a good support network) and 3) capacity to nurture. They talked about their own mothers, but also about neighbors and even mothers in television shows and movies that exemplified who they hoped to be like. Some of the specific qualities important to the women were:
- Flexible
- Patient
- Responsive
- Accepting of my child’s independence
- Accepting of my child’s individuality
- Perceptive to my child’s needs
- Warm and loving
- Eager to meet my child’s needs
What strengths have you seen in other mothers (and fathers) that you think you can bring to your new roles as parents?
Join a Tribe
Do you already have parents of little ones, or parents-soon-to-be in your social network? A social network is pretty easy to build for supporting your parenting journey. Look for a peer group of parents with attitudes, values, and standards that you would like to emulate, and by whom you could be supported going forward. Maybe you and your husband will click with another expectant couple at a childbirth or parenting class, or even in the waiting room before a prenatal appointment or at the pediatrician’s office.
Look for prenatal yoga classes, walking groups, and exercise classes in the area in which you might find a fellow mom-to-be to become friends with. If you belong to a religious congregation, be on the lookout for others in the early stages of parenting.
Once your baby arrives, get into a routine of going to your nearest library for Babies in Bloom or Toddler Time to discover new friends. Or come to Chesapeake Children’s Museum to mix with others who see the benefit for themselves and their little ones in spending time there. Mommy and Me classes and groups can be found through social media for stroller walks, music, hiking, yoga, swimming, and even cooking!
Social networks are very important for new parents, especially if you will have decreased your time in the company of co-workers and clients. Even good friends who have not jumped into the world of having a baby may be hard to stay connected with at this turning point in your life. Their daily rhythms will be out of synch with yours (you’ll be planning your days around baby’s nap and bedtimes for a couple of years). Their homes may not feel welcoming for your crawler, toddler, or curious preschooler. Your home, truth be told, may not be up to standards you once met for being ready for company (housework will soon plummet in your list of priorities).
Other parents of little ones, on the other hand, will welcome you and your baby with open arms (ahh!) and feel right at home on your couch covered in baby’s toys and clothes. The Massachusetts General Hospital Center for Women’s Mental Health reports on a study that suggests that social supports decrease isolation, stress, and maternal depression. Friends are not just good for new mothers. The positive effect of a strong social network shows up in their children at age two with higher scores on cognitive testing.
Other mothers understand your fuzzy state of sleep deprivation, share tips about great parks and stroller brands, and swap outgrown clothes and unneeded formula samples with each other. They share a mission of helping one another to be the best moms they can be.
You’re on your way to blazing a new trail in your transition to motherhood.
Dr. Debbie
Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern.
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Walk-ins are welcome. There is a Nature Walk on Thursdays at 10:30 am. Art and Story Time with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet is on Mondays at 10:30 am. Blue Angel Day is all day on Wednesday, May 20. Come by to make paper airplanes and other flying machines! On Saturday, May 23, Dovie Thomason returns with Native American folktales for Turtle and Friends.
