Dear Dr. Debbie,
My three-year-old, almost four-year-old has started to use “bad guys” in his make-believe play. We don’t let him see any violent videos or games and never have the news on. He goes to a preschool class with children his age and a bit older. Is this just a normal phase?
On Alert
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Dear O.A.,
In groups of four-year-olds it’s pretty typical for make believe play to have super heroes and villains, criminals and cops, good kings and bad kings, natural disasters and rescue heroes, even vicious dragons and other imagined examples of pitting good against evil. A television show, movie, or video game merely supplies characters’ names and plot lines. Even without the influence of media to dictate the story, children will use pretend play to stir up trouble and overcome it.
Notably, a 2020 report from the University of Cambridge (U.K.) on make-believe play suggests that boys are six times more likely to bring aggressive elements into their play than are girls. So yes, it’s a normal thing, especially for boys.
Feelings
Interestingly the study in the report saw that aggressive themes were often introduced into pretend play by the less aggressive playmate. It is speculated that a child is exploring ways to deal with a “bad tempered” playmate (one who is easily angered) through imaginary roles and actions. If a child often expresses anger, his more docile playmate could be guiding him to let off steam through the drama of their pretend play. It’s a safer way to be together. They can cooperate to “Get the bad guys!”
In any event, imaginary bad guys – whether invisible or portrayed by one or more of the children – gives the “good guy” or guys the opportunity to strategize and conquer. Not only is aggressive play well-suited for a child who has anger issues, it also provides practice for managing tense scenarios in general. Dr. Zhen Rao, one of the researchers, says, “This gives them a safe context in which to try out different ways of handling difficult situations next time they crop up in real life.”
An adult should be close by for keeping emotions and action within a safe range and for steering the scene, if needed, to a victorious ending for the good guys. Pretend play that is inspired by strong emotions can sometimes get out of control.
Violence in Our Culture
Unfortunately there are plenty of examples of violence being used to resolve conflict in the real world. Children should not be exposed to the news. If a family member or close friend of the family has been touched by violence, and the child is informed of this, it may be necessary for him to work through feelings of vulnerability, grief, and anger through pretend play. This should be done with an adult who can introduce the real life “helpers” to the story whose roles bring safety, healing, justice, or whatever is needed to right the wrongs in the world. Children need to know there are many more good people than bad people in the world at large, and especially in their immediate world.
If your child has been exposed to violent behavior at school or elsewhere, or you suspect there may be someone in his class who has, there are resources to help. Gang violence, child abuse and domestic violence are sadly prevalent far and wide. A booklet available online, “Healing the Invisible Wounds: Children’s Exposure to Violence” by Safe Start Center recommends promptly assessing and ensuring the child’s safety, including his emotional safety. “Even when they are not hurt themselves, they can see, hear, or imagine what is happening to others. It makes the child feel unsafe.” The booklet includes a list of helpful websites and organizations.
Right and Wrong
When bad people (or events) touch their lives, children need a safe way to express their fear, sadness, and anger. Make believe play is a safe way to do this with pretend legal authority, royal prerogative, super powers, or other means to assure that good will triumph over evil. Remember you can shape the storyline so that the dragon whose fiery breath leveled the village realizes he has also destroyed all the vegetation, too. His remorse leads to restitution, helping the villagers to rebuild and replant. Then he uses his fire power to cook the vegetable stew he’s invited to share with his new friends.
The difference between right and wrong isn’t always crystal clear. Conflict naturally occurs for children in moments of disappointment and frustration with playmates, siblings, and even their caregivers. You’re the one who tells him it’s time to clean up his toys when he’d rather keep playing. (You’ve aroused the dragon in him.) Strong feelings can cause anyone to say or do hurtful things. Even good people have bad behavior at times. Make believe aggression is a good way to practice understanding and managing strong feelings.
Join in with your child during his aggressive make-believe play and follow up with heart-to-heart conversations about conflicts, feelings, and solving problems. Bonus points for helping him to identify solutions that distinguish right from wrong.
Skillfully directed aggressive play can reinforce the ethics of doing the right thing so he can be a real-life good guy.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum. She will be presenting a Zoom workshop for parents on Monday, May 22: The Skin You Live In, from 7-9 pm.
The museum is open with online reservations or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Join us each Friday for Art and Story Time at 10:30 am. We are celebrating Asian-American /Pacific Island Heritage this month! This Saturday experience Meki’s Tamure Polynesian Arts Group at 10:30 am with a free performance and interactive audience participation. On Sunday travel with us to India for a performance by Prakriti Dance at 1 pm. These FREE events and others are supported by a grant from the Arts Council of Anne Arundel County and will be held outside in the park.
Read more of Dr. Wood’s Good Parenting columns by clicking here.
