Parents know that it’s important to praise good behavior in order to reinforce that behavior and encourage their children—but what parents don’t know about praise could actually be causing harm.
Jim Taylor, who has a doctoral degree in Psychology, has spent more than 40 years studying and guiding parents through the changing world of parenting.
He also speaks regularly at schools, parent and education associations and other youth programs. Over the course of his career, he has raised two daughters and written 18 books on a variety of parenting psychology topics, including praise and messaging.
Here’s what Taylor has to share with the next generation of parents about how to offer praise in a healthy way.
Right Idea, Wrong Way
As a parent, you want your child to grow up to be confident and have good habits. When they get an “A” on a test, you say, “good job.” When they score a goal, you say, “good job.” But saying “good job” is not doing a good job with praise.
Taylor tells us that “Good job!” fails as praise because it rewards the result rather than the process.
“You’re rewarding them for the result when, ideally, you don’t want to reward results—you want to reward effort and whatever they did to get that result,” Taylor explains.
This idea steered Taylor’s own parenting with how he praised his children.
“It’s very important that the words we use are descriptive. We’re trying to communicate, and when we use praise, the idea is to encourage a certain behavior,” Taylor says.
Examples of specific praise include pointing out the time your child spent practicing for the big game, congratulating your child on putting a lot of effort into preparing for a test or telling them that you like how neatly they cleaned their room.
Another common mistake Taylor says he sees parents making all the time is exaggerating their child’s abilities.
“Every parent will say, ‘My kid is the most—the smartest, most beautiful, most athletic, most talented—kid around,’” Taylor says. “By praising, especially this kind of excessive praise, [you create] perceptions that are simply inaccurate, and at some point, the child will be confronted with the reality that they are not the smartest, they’re not the most talented, they’re not the most beautiful, they’re not the most whatever—and that hurts.”
Too Much of a Good Thing
In recent years, Taylor says he’s noticed that parents feel the need to praise their children constantly to develop their children’s self-esteem—a noble idea, but many parents are going about it the wrong way.
“Self-esteem, feeling good about yourself, doesn’t develop from being told you did well. It comes from doing well and experiencing the pride, the good feelings, that come from it,” Taylor explains.
To encourage the development of good self-esteem, parents should encourage the behaviors and dedication that are behind the results parents are used to praising.
When kids are praised for the effort rather than the results, they develop a deeper understanding of what it means to do well and can judge a job well done independently.
Making the Change
Parents looking to change how they offer praise can start anytime, but the sooner the better.
“It’s never too late,” Taylor says. “There is some adjustment, because all of a sudden ‘my parents are being weird, being different; they’re saying different things,’ but on the whole, they hopefully start to get the right message and see the value in that message.”
For the change to be lasting, parents need to look at the source of their praising habits. Ask yourself, “Do I do this because it’s what I’m familiar with? Do I do this because I’m afraid my child will face the feelings I had growing up?” and “What message am I sending my child when I say this?”
“More often than not, they just recapitulate their own upbringing, and one of the most important things parents can do is know their own baggage,” Taylor says.
After asking yourself, ask your spouse or partner and, most importantly, ask your kids.
“Kids have a tremendous capacity to communicate with us to let us know how we’re doing,” Taylor says.
While children might not express their dissatisfaction or worries like adults do, parents can keep an eye out for the other ways kids communicate—by getting sad, resisting or rebelling.
Learn more about Dr. Jim Taylor and find his books online at drjimtaylor.com.
