Dear Dr. Debbie,
How can I help our three-year-old understand what happened to our kitty? The vet said it was unavoidable, some kind of birth defect. This bouncy, frisky ball of fluff quickly deteriorated and was euthanized at the vet’s office yesterday. (Our daughter stayed home with Daddy.)
Good Grief
Dear G.G.,
Grief is a profound experience that can be especially challenging for a young child.
One of the benefits of pet ownership for a child is that of experiencing the grieving process in preparation for future deaths. Death is a natural and inevitable part of life – a pet’s life, a plant’s life, a person’s life. Parents can play an important role in helping a child cope with understanding death and working through the grieving process.
The News
When sharing the news of a death, choose the time and place. This moment will be reviewed often in the coming days and weeks. Over the years, this early introduction will be worked into more complex understandings of death and grief.
Be gentle yet honest. Use clear language. Think through what words and phrases you will use. It’s okay to repeat good ones to help their meanings become absorbed. Don’t use euphemisms.
“Kitty died.”
“Something went wrong in her body.” You can name a system – digestion, breathing, blood flow, etc. and give a brief statement of the problem. The vet may be able to help with this.
“The doctors couldn’t help her.”
“This is a sad time.”
It’s important for a child to hear about the efforts that adults made to help her pet, including her parents and the medical staff. At age three a child recognizes the huge differences between what she can do and what an adult can do. She expects adults to be all-powerful. In retelling what has occurred include the observations that led to a decision to take the cat to the vet, how the staff conducted the medical exam and the questions they asked you, and any life-saving efforts attempted. The full story about Kitty’s death includes the steps taken to do everything possible to help her. (You can skip the part about euthanasia. That’s a tough one, even for adults.)
The Feelings
Take a moment to feel your own feelings about this event. It’s important not to overwhelm a child with an adult’s feelings. They have enough trouble with their own. When you’re composed, encourage your child’s questions about what has happened and in so doing acknowledge the feelings behind her words.
In response to grief, a child may exhibit a range of emotions including sadness, anger, fear, confusion, and guilt. There are many resources and many opportunities each day to work in a conversation about emotions. Age three is the perfect age to be identifying feelings and their causes, and to be learning what to do including how to get help in handling one’s feelings.
Address each of these with reassuring support:
Sadness – give hugs and a safe refuge.
Anger – give space and safety limits.
Fear – demonstrate your ability to protect her and help her see her own resources of strength and courage.
Confusion – give answers or attempt to get them for her.
Guilt – give absolution to the child’s fantasy that she could have prevented the death.
In the long run, through your support and modeling, you are helping her to be empathic to others’ feelings.
Feelings are sometimes expressed in behavioral changes such as withdrawal, changes in sleep patterns, or returning to earlier developmental stages – wanting to be on your lap and carried, for example. Read the behavior for what the child is trying to express and respond accordingly.
Rituals for Mourning
If you haven’t yet, decide on the beliefs and customs your family will be using for this death and for those deaths to come. Actions may include: lighting a candle, planting a tree, creating a memory box of experiences / photos / small items, or making a donation in memory of your loved one to a meaningful cause.
Think about having a funeral. Rituals and ceremonies associated with death and mourning can provide children with a structured way to understand and cope with grief, offering them a sense of connection and comfort.
Back to Normal
Daily routines are so important for a child’s sense of security at all times, but especially after a loss. Get back to normal routines as soon as possible so she can see death as a temporary disruption and not as the cloud that will overshadow her life forever. The sun will shine again.
Make good use of her stable relationships such as playmates, teachers, and other members of her social circle. Time with a friend can be a break from the hard work of grieving (especially if family members are currently burdened with their own grief). A friend just has to be there to lighten the load of our grief.
More Resources
Chesapeake Children’s Museum (CCM) is participating in an initiative, Healing with Play, with the Association of Children’s Museums and New York Life to support young children, 0-8 years-old, with bereavement.
On Saturday, November 1, CCM will facilitate a workshop with crafts, picture books, and conversation to assist families in addressing the loss of a family member or a pet. The event is tied to el dia de los muertos, the Mexican holiday that acknowledges the loss of loved ones through strengthening our connections with them.
Together we can surround our children with the support they need.
Dr. Debie
Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern.
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis.
CCM is open from 10 am to 4 pm daily. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Walk-ins are welcome. Art and Story Time with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet is on Monday mornings at 10:30 am. Each Thursday there is a Nature Walk at 10:30 am.
Register to Make a Memory Box on Saturday, November 1, 10am – 1 pm (plan to stay at least an hour) at Chesapeake Children’s Museum.
