Dear Dr. Debbie,
There’s been a rivalry going on between our 8-year-old and 10-year-old for years. It’s all about who can get the other one in bigger trouble with me or my husband. While some of their “tattling” is helpful, most of it is exaggerated or downright dishonest. And frankly, mean.
This morning it was about finishing the apple juice and putting the empty jar back in the refrigerator. I shouldn’t even have asked, “Who did this?” when I saw it there. You’d have thought I asked who set the house on fire.
The Not Guilties’ Mother
Dear NGM.,
Tattling is a form of bullying. It is an attempt to pull in the power of a parent to bring negative consequences to the victim. At the root of making one’s sibling look bad in the eyes of a parent is a desire to look good oneself. How does this start? How can you end it? Or at least, how can you help the children cut back on pointing fingers at each other?
Fault Finding Atmosphere
There will always be inconveniences among housemates. Parents’ communication and conflict resolution patterns usually set the tone for how children will treat one another. Have you ever found the cap off of the toothpaste tube you share with your husband? Do you hunt him down to make an accusation of thoughtlessness, or bring it up in a discussion of trimming household expenses, or do you just put the cap back on?
By the same token, does your husband whine, “Are you ever going to thin out the hall closet? You can’t possibly need ALL these winter coats.” Or does he look up local coat drives and offer to take excess coats to one in a few days’ time.
Children, and adults, too, will misplace things, spill things, make too much noise, use up shared resources (like the apple juice), tell you about something important that has to be taken care of when you’re out of time to do it, procrastinate taking care of a committed chore, and generally be a source of aggravation because you’re sharing space and a phase of life together.
Temporary grouchiness is different. Children will learn to “Stay out of Mom’s (or Dad’s) way” if there are a few hours or even days of verbal daggers aimed at family members. Ideally these are followed by apologies and explanations so the children understand that the blow ups aren’t a reflection of their value nor any lack of your love for them. Things soon get back to normal and all is well in their world.
But if your reaction to family members’ slip ups is often hostile and full of blame, the children quickly learn they don’t like being on the receiving end of it. They also learn that when a parent sees the other sibling at fault, they are ipso facto the more favored child. Getting the sibling in trouble can then become a goal.
Solution Oriented Problem Solving
A more helpful reaction to intentional or unintentional misdeeds is to focus on what needs to be done to put things aright. This shifts attention from a guilty (or falsely accused) offender to simple steps toward positive action in the moment and a possible direction to take for preventing a similar misstep in the future.
In the case of the empty juice bottle in the fridge, your reaction could be to call attention to what you discovered, but as you carry out the correct action, you give a supportive reminder that the jar can be rinsed and added to the recycling bin. Along these lines of recognizing good recycling habits you give well-timed reminders and accolades at every opportunity. Make a big deal over how much went in the bin this week. And give no mention of anything erroneously dropped in the landfill trashcan. “Isn’t it great how we can help each other remember everything that can be recycled and make sure it gets in the bin?!?”
Another step in the right direction is to bring the children into writing the grocery list. If this was the last bottle of apple juice, the corrective action for having juice in the house again is to write it on the list. Again this is focused on making sure that what the family needs – more juice – is more important than finding out who drank the last of it. It might take a few days of emphasizing how groceries get in the house in the first place – the practice of an active shopping list kept handy for everyone to add to it.
No Comparisons
You can prevent one child from feeling as if he needs to make himself look better than his brother (and therefor reports a crime the brother may be totally innocent of) by pointing out each child’s goodness and specialness every day. This should be done privately between parent and child. In some families this is part of the bedtime routine. Or maybe you take each child to a different afterschool activity – one goes to gymnastics, the other goes to art class – which shine a light on the unique interests and talents each has. Or maybe each child is a parent’s helper for a specific chore or home improvement project around the house.
Regular undivided positive attention from a parent is a good cure for trying to make oneself look better than a sibling.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist www.drdebbiewood.com and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum www.theccm.org.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available https://www.theccm.org/event-details/purchase-tickets-in-advance or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
On Saturday, October 26, CCM is collaborating with the City of Annapolis Recreation and Parks for a Harvest Festival, 10 am to 2 pm at the Pip Moyer Rec. Center. The event includes a petting zoo from Running Springs Farm and live music from the Ebony Hillbillies at 10 am and Willie (Willie Hadnot, Jr.) and Lynne (Lynne Childress) from 12-2 pm. Free admission. Trunk or Treat, too!
Saturday afternoon, from 3-8 pm, CCM provides children’s crafts at the City’s dia de los muertos event in front of Maryland Hall. Live music. Dancing. Community resources. Traditional Mexican food and crafts for sale. Come in costume!
Thanks to a grant from the Institute for Museum and Library Services, CCM is hosting low-cost workshops on Saturday mornings, November 2 and December 7 for childcare professionals, providing Core of Knowledge hours approved by MSDE.
Read more of Dr. Wood’s Good Parenting columns by clicking here.
