Dear Dr. Debbie,
We have an almost three-year-old who is the light of our lives as our only child. We seem to have conflict, however, when she can’t do something by herself. Getting dressed is a good example. I can see she’s frustrated, but when I try to help she gets angry with me.
Ready To Help
Dear R.T.H.,
Your little one is acting her age. This is a time in her life when she desperately wants to be independent, especially when it comes to her body. Conflicts readily occur over dressing, eating, bathing, and getting buckled into the car seat.
There are things you can do to support her independence that won’t feel to her as if she is helpless and totally dependent on her parents.
Location, Location, Location
Put things she needs in logical places, where she can reach them herself. For example, store her clothes on lower shelves and in drawers that are labeled with pictures of what’s inside.
Keep outerwear near the door so she can easily find things for the current season and she can also promptly put them away when coming back inside. A low hook for her jacket should be just above her height so she can’t accidentally bump into it. Alternatively use a crate or bin to hold all her outerwear until she’s tall enough, and skillful enough, to maneuver a hanger. Teach her to stuff hat, scarf, and mittens into the sleeves of her winter jacket.
Her toys and books should likewise be accessible for handy use and easy clean up.
She can manage more of her needs in the kitchen if items are reachable. Consider self-serve snacks – in single servings – such as resealable containers of crackers and washed and ready fruits and veggies. If you just get it started, a two-year-old can finish peeling off the skin of a tangerine. Similarly, place paper towels, the compost bin, recycling bin, and trash can where she can use them by herself. A sturdy kitchen stepstool can provide access for her to the sink and countertop. (It can be folded and stored away when you don’t want her to have access!)
Acknowledge Her Struggles and Her Successes
Can you recall the frustration you’ve felt when trying to do something you’ve seen others do, you’ve been shown how to do, and would love to not have to ask for help with because, honestly, you’re so irritated because you don’t have the ability to do it by yourself? Navigating some computer software comes to mind for me!
Let your daughter know that you see how hard she’s trying. Acknowledge her perseverance. Point out the mini-milestones she reaches as she persists toward the end goal. One sock on is one quarter of the way to getting both of her feet dressed.
Budget Time for Independence
Yes, it will take more time for her to dress herself than for you to do it for her. That’s why time management is so important for parents. Spend time in the evening with her to plan tomorrow’s outfit so this isn’t part of the morning’s rush. Take care of other tasks, too, when time isn’t an issue. This way there will be plenty of time for her to focus on the fine motor skills she is working on to successfully put her clothes on as you patiently offer verbal encouragement.
Appreciate Her Contributions
Find ways for her to accomplish tasks that help other members of the family, including pets. Depending on where the doors of your machines are, she could put laundry in and out of them. She can match up the clean socks after they come out and maybe sort them for Daddy, Mommy, and Me.
Have you included your daughter in sweeping, vacuuming, wiping up spills, refilling the pet’s water bowl, watering houseplants, setting napkins on the table or other age-appropriate duties? Think of chores that are suitable for her height, strength, and dexterity. When you bring your own bags to the grocery store include one that’s her size so she can bring it into the house while her grownups carry in the rest. Even holding the door for you while you carry in a too-heavy-for-her grocery bag will give her pride as a contributing member of the household.
Offer Her Choices
Support her strong desire for independence by giving your daughter choices, especially when it comes to dressing, eating, bathing, and getting buckled into her car seat. She wants to exert control, so let her decide between two shirts (appropriate for the occasion), between a choice of two green veggies for her lunch, to have bubbles or no bubbles for the bathtub, and whether she or you will click the buckle on her car seat each time.
Remember that one goal in your role as a parent is to prepare your child for eventual adulthood. Along the way, she needs practice in making good decisions for herself.
Be Clear and Consistent About Rules
Obviously, there are decisions she’s incapable of making yet. Parents set the rules that concern health and safety, the expenditure of time and money, and consideration of others. (Dawdling over dressing, which makes parents late for work, jeopardizes some of these concerns!) Steadily until about age five, your little one needs you not only to voice what these rules are but to consistently enforce them. For example, she can only use the unbreakable cups. This is easy to enforce because all of the breakable cups are always out of her reach. As for how much time she can take to dress herself, parents must set a reasonable limit on that if this is related to their getting to work on time. (One compromise for enforcement is to carry her and her shoes to the car when the time is up.)
Clear and consistent rules help a child know what’s expected of her. Of course, these can change as she matures. One day she’ll be perfectly capable of drinking from a breakable cup. But until then, she can confidently handle a cup on her own, because the only cup she has access to is one that is just right for a two-year-old. She has plenty of time to get herself dressed because parents have set an achievable limit using good time management – with the rule that shoes not yet on can be put on later.
Support your child’s growing independence through easy access to what she needs including a sense of contribution to the family, a sense of control over her body, and the security of rules her parents consistently enforce that benefit her and others.
Dr. Debbie
Write to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern.
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
Special events coming up: Thursday, Dec. 26, 11 am Kwanzaa Symbols and Activities; Saturday, Dec. 28, 10:30 am STEM Explorers and 2 pm, Music for Kwanzaa with Fritete African Drum & Dance Ensemble.
