Dear Dr. Debbie,
Our seven-year-old has had a lot of changes and challenges in her short life and has been described as “emotionally fragile” by teachers and other caregivers at times. What’s the best way to help her recover from a fit of despair? Today it was about a plastic bag breaking after she had filled it with rocks.
Emotional Clean Up
—
Dear ECU,
The best way to help a person who is overcome by emotions is to stay calm yourself. Since her emotional outbursts occur often, be as ready for them as you would be for other sudden needs of a child, such as having tissues on hand for a drippy nose and always knowing where the nearest bathroom is.
Be the Grown Up
If your seven-year-old has been through changes and challenges, it is safe to assume that you have as well. The metaphorical advice about first applying your own oxygen mask before attending to your child’s oxygen mask is applicable. Take time to access whatever resources you need to manage your own challenges so you can be ready to respond to her emergencies.
You are much better equipped to keep a cool head if you see yourself as capably managing the ups and downs of your life. She’s still a child. You are the parent. She needs this from you. A ripped bag of carefully collected rocks is an emergency.
Establish a Protocol
In a quiet moment, maybe after you’ve solved her rock problem with a stronger bag or a handy scarf, talk with her about what she was thinking and feeling when the bag broke. Putting feelings into words lessens the power that feelings have over us. You can coax her with suggestions if needed, such as, “I was going to lose all the rocks” or “I worked so hard to find good rocks” or “Nothing ever goes right for me”. But staying quiet until she finds her own words is best. Acknowledge the feeling as being her true feeling. “That was what you were thinking / feeling. That was very upsetting to you.”
Have a similar quiet conversation each time she has an emotional breakdown. Eventually she will internalize this step of identifying the cause of her outburst and she will be able to do it for herself.
In another quiet moment, maybe a few hours after she’s pulled herself back together, discuss a few ways you’ve seen her be able to successfully calm herself down. A few variations might be: getting away from people, getting a hug from you, holding a stuffed animal, taking a brisk walk, getting a drink of water, or just crying until the tears stop. (Emotional tears flush the body of stress hormones.)
A calm brain is much more capable of figuring out the best way to get past a calamity. Maybe taking a deep breath is how you were able to keep your head clear to get past the broken bag of rocks dilemma? Again, the goal is to work together with your child to identify the action she’ll take to get calm again, so that she feels empowered to do it for herself.
Many people use imagining getting a hug from a nurturing figure (parent, grandparent, best friend, etc.) to make it through tough times as an adult.
Team Agreement
Other significant adults in this child’s life can support the protocol. Share with family members, teachers, babysitters, etc. what your daughter and you have decided is the best way for her to get herself calm (hug, water, time alone to cry, etc.). Share that it’s important for the grown-up on duty to 1) Assess what can be done to resolve the crisis and to do it calmly and swiftly 2) Help the child put the strong feelings she had into words and simply nod in agreement as she pours them out.
Not all crises can be resolved easily or at all. This is a frustrating reality. For this reason you should address her frequent (minor) disasters with compassion and speedy action, all the while teaching her how to do so for herself. For the problems than can’t be solved, she will benefit from learning to put her feelings into words as well as identifying, and practicing, ways to calm herself.
A strong team, even if it’s just you and your daughter, can work together toward a goal of dealing with setbacks in a constructive way. She can gain the skills necessary to calm herself (self-regulation) so she can tackle future problems in the best way possible.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
Read more of Dr. Wood’s Good Parenting columns by clicking here.
