Dear Dr. Debbie,
I’m dreading the upcoming schedule of visits and holiday parties to which our family, including the three-year-old and six-year-old, have been invited. What tips do you have for helping them add to the joy of these gatherings?
They’re Still Children
Dear T.S.C.,
Children under the age of seven are definitely still children. They can be delightful company as long as they, and you, are well-prepared.
Rehearsals
Practice greetings, pleasant conversation, mannerly eating, and gracious good-byes. This can be through make-believe play (as in having a “tea party”), doll play, or puppet play. Set up a scenario similar to the social engagements on the calendar. For example, if there’s to be a brunch at Great Aunt Edna’s, name the people your children know who will be there and act out the visit a few times. You are the coach/guide/director who can also play yourself or the host or another party guest as the scene plays out.
Children need guidance and practice for such refined behaviors as putting a napkin on their laps and decorously asking for the mustard dip to be passed. You can do this “tea party” style with empty cups and dishes at a child size table, or add real water, or even real food as you exaggerate the appropriate movements and comments. “Would you be so kind as to pass the mustard?”
If you never use cloth napkins at the family’s meals at home, and you expect that Aunt Edna will, let your children help to set the table with them once or twice so they can practice laying them on their laps and dabbing the corners of their mouths with them. They won’t know what they’re for at Aunt Edna’s if they’ve never seen and used them before.
When your tea party ends, model a gracious good-bye with a sincere thank you, including something specific that you’re grateful for, and well wishes to the host.
Timing
Children are at their best when they are kept to their regular schedule for food, rest, and exercise. Work these essential needs into the day’s plan, perhaps including a walk around the block or some other vigorous outdoor activity with the children during the event. Ask ahead if you are unsure of what might be possible. A thoughtful host may have planned some fun and games for the children, but if not, it will be up to you to provide ample exercise before and or after the get together if none can be had during.
Food
You know your children best. Adventurous eaters may be fine with crudité and dips. On the other hand, a discreet baggie of a child’s preferred finger foods will get everyone through the meal without any fuss. Again, check ahead with the host to see if you need bring anything to accommodate your children’s fundamental need to eat.
Entertainment
If the visit is mainly for eating and a little conversation, that might be enough to engage the children. If, however, you anticipate there will be hours of conversation among the adults it would be best to bring some small items for the children’s entertainment. This could include picture books – an older party guest might offer to read one, a stuffed animal – to keep a young child grounded with something familiar to hold onto while you’re socializing, and or a small “fidget” – designed to keep hands busy when it’s not appropriate to run around.
Find out if any other children are coming. It may be worth contacting the other parents ahead of time to coordinate what each of you might bring or plan for the children’s entertainment. For example, a whole tub of Lego bricks, if Aunt Edna can provide the space, could consume the children for a good while.
Is it possible that one or both of your children would want to entertain the other party goers? Do they have a joke or riddle memorized? Would they like to sing, and maybe teach a song or finger play? Could you prompt them to relate an anecdote that would be of general interest? If not to the whole assemblage, these presentations could be rehearsed with the idea that one or two of the people there would enjoy being an audience for them.
Come Bearing Gifts
A common practice when going to someone’s home for a special occasion is to bring a gift. Your children could help to pick out a bouquet for the table or something else you know that Aunt Edna would like. They could make painted rock paper weights. They could make hand-made cards for her. They might help you prepare or purchase some food to bring (always clear this with the host unless it’s nonperishable and is meant to be enjoyed later).
The gesture of bringing food they have had a hand in procuring or preparing, or giving the host a card or a gift, adds meaning to the children’s presence. Hopefully they’d be warmly welcomed anyway, but an entry with full hands is a guaranteed conversation starter.
Relevant Literature
As with many situations children are likely to encounter in childhood, children’s authors have this topic covered. Look for some of these titles to include in your family story reading before you go visiting:
A Gift for Nana by Lane Smith
Do Unto Otters: A Book About Manners by Laura Keller
Don’t Slurp Your Soup! by Lynne Gibbs
Dude That’s Rude! (Get Some Manners) by Pamela Espeland and Elizabeth Berdick
Everyday Graces: A Child’s Book of Good Manners by Karen Santorum
Manners by Aliki
My Way to Good Manners by Elizabeth Cole
The Berenstain Bears Forget Their Manners by Stan and Jan Berenstain
The Tiger Who Came to Tea by Judith Kerr
What Do You Do, Dear? by Sesyle Joslin
What Do You Say, Dear? by Sesyle Joslin and Maurice Sendak
These books could add tips about manners to your make-believe play.
When we all know and follow the same rules we can feel more comfortable with one another.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
Thanks to a grant from the Institute for Museum and Library Services, CCM is hosting low-cost workshops for childcare professionals. “A World of Music and Dance” will be held on Saturday, December 7, 9:30-11:30 am. Register here. The workshop is MSDE-approved for Core of Knowledge content.
Read more of Dr. Wood’s Good Parenting columns by clicking here.
