Dear Dr. Debbie,
Our six-year-old starts first grade this week and likely won’t know anyone in her class. She went to a private school (where I work) from age two to kindergarten and her classmates, among whom she’s had several good friends, are all going to other schools for first grade. We have enjoyed many playdates with them this summer.
She’s been talking fretfully about this for a couple of weeks now and I’ve tried to be positive.
What more can we do to find her a friend?
On The Sidelines
Dear OTS,
Friendship is a true treasure to find. There may be some lonely days for a little while, but trust that her abilities to find friendship at her previous school are ready to serve her well.
Afterschool Activities
The school day is crammed with directed activities that don’t easily support making new friends. However there are more social opportunities in an after school program. Will she be in daily afterschool childcare? This time is better structured for play. When you pick up your student at the end of the day, you can ask her to introduce you to anyone she played with. (If she doesn’t mention anyone, check with the staff for support with friend-making.) If you stick around for a while you can meet parents of the other children and work toward supporting a friendship on weekends.
Girl Scouts is an excellent meeting ground for long-term friendships among same-aged girls. Recruitment begins as the school year is getting started. Kindergarten and first grade girls are Daisies. Parent participation is part of the deal, so again, you’ll meet other parents so the families can establish friendships across both generations. Many of the activities in the Girl Scout curriculum are about being “a sister to every other Girl Scout” so the leader (maybe you?!?) will be directly working with the troop on social skills such as inclusion, teamwork, and conflict resolution.
Included in the information you’ll be getting from the school should be contacts and registration for other clubs and activities. Pick one that suits your daughter’s interests, and again, get involved with her so you can model friendliness when you’re among those new faces.
Community Events
Take note of family events at the school or in the school’s wider community. Many schools have Fall events that provide opportunities for classmates to spot each other while engaging in family fun. This is another area in which your participation, as a volunteer for the event, will go a long way toward establishing relationships for yourself and your daughter. The school will have a Parent-Teacher Association or Parent-Teacher Organization through which you can find a role for yourself for supporting the school. And in this way, you’ll be making connections with other families that include classmates of your daughter.
Or maybe there are family events at a neighborhood community center, fire hall or faith-based organization. The network you had in place at work, your child’s former school, no longer functions to provide daily contact for her with her friends. It’s time to expand and move on with her to her new social scene.
Volunteer
You can offer to volunteer at the school in a variety of roles. This will help your daughter to see that while she has transitioned to a new social environment, her mother is part of the group of adults that can be found there. Even when you’re not there, she’ll come to know the other parent volunteers and school staff that you work with. This adds a sense of trust that there are adults she can count on, who know her, in the building.
You and your new adult network will be in a position to take note of friendship opportunities for your daughter, and will then be able to encourage a blossoming friendship. It might only take a quick introduction between two solitary children on the playground, and a suggestion of something they can do together, to get this going.
Keep Listening
Six-year-olds are generally a friendly and socially aware lot. Even while your daughter is waiting for the spark of friendship to ignite between herself and a classmate, she will be keenly observing her classmates. Ask her about them. Help her spot someone with promise as a pal. Does she notice someone with kindness? Humor? Shared interests? An ability to fit in well with the teacher’s expectations? (It’s best to stay clear of a trouble-maker.) Is there someone who is also on her school bus or walks the same way to school in the morning?
Sympathize with her lingering sadness as the year begins. Give reassurances that friendships will come. Here are a few books to read together for holding onto hope:
A Friend Like You by Frank Murphy
Not Perfect by Maya Myers
Our Class is a Family by Shannon Olsen
Rick the Rock of Room 214 by Julie Falatko
Sam Says You Are Born to Shine by Sam Hirschmann
Sister Friend by Jamilah Thompkins-Bigelow
Someone Just Like You by Helen Docherty
Stick and Stone by Beth Ferry
The Buddy Bench by Patty Brozo
We Are a Class by Rob Sanders
And make some weekend playdates with old friends, too.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist www.drdebbiewood.com and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum www.theccm.org.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 5 pm. Online reservations are available https://www.theccm.org/event-details/purchase-tickets-in-advance or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
This Saturday the museum is hosting activities for International Day with music, storytelling, and crafts. Saturday is also the final summer session of outdoor Family Yoga and Nature Hike.
Read more of Dr. Wood’s Good Parenting columns by clicking here.
