Dear Dr. Debbie,
We have two children, ages 4 and 6, and find ourselves getting frustrated getting them to do anything. These are not outrageous requests – get your shoes on, pick up the toys, brush your teeth . . .
How can we get through the day without having to raise our voices and threaten negative consequences?
Not Having Fun
Dear NHF,
The dynamic you are describing is that children are not complying with parents’ requests. Another way to approach this situation is to reframe the dynamic as getting everyone on the team to cooperate toward team goals. That’s right, parents and children are on the same team. You have different roles, however the end goal is of benefit to all.
Roles
As the parents, your role is to establish standards of behavior – as consistently as possible – that lead to healthy habits and harmonious living for your family today and for your children to carry into their futures.
You bring to this role your life experiences, which include successes and regrets, and your heartfelt high aspirations for your children’s well-being. Parents get to decide what’s important for the children to do day to day because they are ultimately responsible for what occurs over a childhood. The children’s adult teeth will thank you for establishing good oral health habits when they’re young.
Routine
The tasks you mention – getting shoes on, cleaning up toys, brushing teeth – could easily fall into daily routines. Weekday routines may differ slightly from weekend routines, with more rush in the mornings and more pressure to get the children to sleep on time, however, it’s best to keep children on a regular schedule for sleeping, eating, and exercise as much as possible all seven days.
Obviously, dressing is easier when children eagerly participate. Help them to store their shoes in the same place each time they are taken off. Likewise, dresser drawers and bedroom shelves should systematically store socks, underwear, shirts and pants such that a child can find and put on his own clothes, with some room for personal choice. For a younger child, you could set out a choice of two shirts, or use decision-making for tomorrow’s outfit as part of the bedtime routine the night before. If your struggle with the children getting their shoes on is a factor of a rushed weekday morning, try to do more of the getting-out-of-the-house tasks in the evenings, too.
Toy pickup should routinely follow playtime. Depending on the usual schedule, this could be before dinnertime or before bedtime. If there’s playtime in the mornings before school, you might limit what can be played with so it can be quickly put away, or left out for the children to return to when they get home. If no one else will be using the room for other purposes, it’s perfectly fine to have toys accessible even when the children aren’t using them. Set the standards for your family that make sense for you.
Hygiene habits need to be established early for best effectiveness. In the example of dental care, decay is a threat from before the eruption of the first teeth. (Don’t put a baby to sleep with a bottle of juice or milk.) Pediatric dentists recommend that parents provide the care the baby teeth need, adding assistance from the baby, toddler, or preschooler, as he is able. You can make it fun with music, a timer, a super hero toothbrush, brushing your own teeth along with him, etc. Add a cheesy grin and a high five to the end of the routine. The next part of the bedtime routine can be something the children look forward to such as reading books together.
Why?
There are short-term motivations and long-term motivations. In the moment, you can entice the children with something they’ll see once their shoes are on and they’re headed out the door. Maybe you have nesting birds in the yard that you check on. Or the leaves are turning color and they can each pick one to bring to their teachers. Or you notice you have just the right clouds this morning for seeing animal pictures in them as you cruise down the road.
A short-term motivation is anything the child can look forward to right after completing the arduous task. This is not the same as a bribe, which is an unrelated “treat” that pays the child for complying. Rather, getting the task done is a necessary step before moving on with the day.
You need to explain, repeatedly, the long-term reason for doing any of the things your children resist. From the point of view of the two adults who love them the most and want them to have the best lives, you explain your reasons for each task. In general, orderliness saves time and frustration in finding clothes and toys, and makes your home ready to be welcoming of guests. An orderly home adds a sense of comfort to all who live there. Healthy habits keep you in good shape today to do the things you like to do, and they’re an investment in your future health as well. You can use yourself as an example of a habit you have or wish you had established as a child to benefit your health today.
Balance the Must Do’s with Fun
Considering that this is “Back to School Time” I wonder if one or both children are adjusting to new faces, new routines, and new expectations at school? This can take a couple of weeks before their school days are predictable and they feel settled. Family time is also affected with stress over bedtimes and the morning rush. High stress often brings on contrariness. If this is the case, reduce your expectations for compliance and give them more help to successfully accomplish their tasks at home. Additionally, try to find ways to manage the family’s time so that the family’s goals for harmonious living are met.
Outside of all of this requesting, motivating, and complying, your family needs to have fun together. Children are more likely to be cooperative with parents when the relationship is mutually enjoyable.
Family fun time is an important component of a happy childhood and parenting satisfaction.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist www.drdebbiewood.com and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum www.theccm.org.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available https://www.theccm.org/event-details/purchase-tickets-in-advance or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
On Saturday, September 28, the museum is hosting a FREE event for the Worldwide Day of Play with activities from Native America, west Africa, and Latin America.
Read more of Dr. Wood’s Good Parenting columns by clicking here.
