Dear Dr. Debbie,
I have a four-year-old who just doesn’t listen. (Mostly to me all day, but also to Dad when he’s home.) She’s very honest when she finally decides to respond, saying, “I just didn’t want to listen” or “I wanted to do this instead”. We’ve tried Time Outs on the step and sometimes time in her room. We have taken away screen time and desserts. I really am not sure what the next right step is to get her to understand that when I ask for her attention I need her to listen to me. Often she’s doing something she shouldn’t while I’m diapering or feeding her baby sister. The worst offense is when she’s loud after I’ve just gotten the baby down for a nap.
Full-time Mama
Dear F-T. M.,
Listening goes both ways. Let’s take the approach that Behavior is Communication. What is your child saying by ignoring your words?
Baby on the Scene
A major shift in your family’s roles has occurred with the arrival of the younger sister. You and Daddy are adjusting to a 100% increase in the number of little ones you need to tend to. Your attention is divided. Your sleep is insufficient. Your bodies have additional loads of laundry to carry as well as lots of carrying of Child #2. From your older child’s point of view, she’s competing with the direct needs of the baby as well as dealing with parents who are operating in diminished capacity. Tired. Grumpy. Not fun.
Her intentional ignoring of your words could be her way of expressing her feeling of having lost her connection to you.
One-on-One Time
Give her tangible reassurance that the reliable parents she remembers can still be playful and responsive to her needs, albeit slightly less so than before the baby arrived. You’re all adjusting.
Find ways to share playtime and chores with your older child. You might use a baby wrap to keep your younger child content as you do so. Take advantage of the two-parent system to divide your two children between you whenever possible. Sure housework may pile up, and there may be shortcuts with preparing the family’s food but this a period in your parenting in which your children’s immediate needs come first. The four-year-old still needs lots of one-on-one attention as best as it can be provided.
Besides her parents, other grown-ups and even a competent older child or teen can be a good playmate. Are there family members, good friends, and or neighbors around? Consider hiring a teen-ager, or even a ten-year-old “Mother’s Helper” to be an attentive companion to your four-year-old while you spend time with the baby and or the housework.
A part-time preschool program is an excellent addition to a child’s social circle. Hopefully your daughter will make at least one good friend with whom she can delve into make believe, build block castles, and compare drawings of rainbows. Good playmates give each other one-on-one attention as they play. A fun teacher who loves children will also give your child much needed positive attention. As an extra bonus, a well-run preschool classroom instills the importance of listening to the grown-ups.
Mean What You Say
Use your words efficiently to get a better response from your child. Verbal directions need to be short, and sweetly stated in the positive: “Take your muddy shoes off by the door.” Back up your words by catching her before she tries to run away. What, you’re holding the baby? Then make your request before you open the front door. Ask, “Would you like me to help to get your muddy shoes off after I put your sister down?” Usually, a child follows through with what she has just stated, so a “Yes, I need help” is moving you toward successful listening. Follow up with another choice: “Can you sit on the step to wait for me or can you get started taking them off on your own?”
Much of child guidance is achievable by arranging your home to make it convenient for your four-year-old to do the right thing. Make it easy for her to find her clothes and put the dirty clothes where they belong. Same with toys, books, and art supplies – easy cleanup is achieved with low shelves, bins, and baskets and not too much stuff to begin with.
A four-year-old is still very ego-centric which means she’s really only able to see her own perspective in a conflict. If your request is that she play quietly while the baby (and maybe one of her parents) is napping, you’ll have to help her “listen” to this request. It’s not age appropriate to expect her to behave with the needs of others in mind. Further guidance could include choices of where she can play and what she can play with. If you can, offer to play quietly with her! Of course you’ll be whispering this conversation. Although at age four she’s not capable of considering others’ needs before her own, repeatedly explaining the reason for the request will eventually make its way into her regular behavior. She’ll learn to be considerate of others’ needs because you not only tell her to do it but also explain why, and, most importantly, you show her how.
A parent’s behavior speaks volumes about the family’s values.
Dr. Debbie
Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern.
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis.
Summer hours for CCM are from 10 am to 5 pm daily. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Walk-ins are welcome. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Time with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet is on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
Parents and other caregivers of young children have an opportunity to gain insights and tools from Dr. Wood in a two-hour workshop: Effective Discipline for Preschoolers on Wednesday, August 27, 5:30-7:30 pm at Chesapeake Children’s Museum. The topic for September 3 is “I Had it First!” – Conflict Resolution Skills to Teach Children. Childcare can be provided if arranged in advance. Call 410-990-1993 or email: [email protected] for more information.
