Dear Dr. Debbie,
My ex and I have been raising our two children in separate households for the past two years. She has primary custody, and I have had alternate weekends with them plus a regular weeknight. I also volunteer with their school and scouts. Now that they’re getting older, and I have remarried with a stepchild, my hope is to revise the current visitation schedule. I’m going to recommend to their mom that we adopt a one week on and one week off rotation. This schedule has worked out well over the past two summers with the facilitation of the children’s nanny. The kids and I got to take some memorable summer trips and I was able to adequately keep up with work obligations. (We have a nanny because my ex-wife has as demanding a career as do I.) According to this new plan, I propose to include a mid-week three-hour visitation period for the other parent. Other split families I know find that this helps with keeping up with what the children are doing in school — both academically and otherwise.
Do you think this is reasonable and appropriate from a developmental standpoint since they’re beyond preschool age? I think this schedule would minimize transition issues — missing clothes and school papers — and could work with the rhythm of homework and after school activities. Plus my wife has a similar arrangement with her former husband. I think my kids’ mother will agree to this if I hammer out all the details, such as how the nanny fits into the plan.
My wife’s presence in my children’s lives, and her less demanding work schedule, should reduce some of our need for the nanny, however, the children adore her and I try to respect that. If you would recommend a different schedule, what would it be?
Dad With a Plan
Don’t miss last week’s column Cures for cabin fever – Good Parenting
Dear DWaP,
The best schedule is the one made, and committed to, by both parents with regard to what is best for the children. The work schedule of both Mom and Dad is part of the mix. Your other needs — your new roles as husband and stepfather for example — also must be worked into the agreed upon plan. It takes a lot of effort to put conflicts between you and Mom aside, and there will be inevitable differences that will arise as your new wife plays a role in the lives of her children. But, as hard as it may be at times, children are so much better off when they can see that Mom and Dad are working as a team on their behalf, resourcefully relying on the assistance of a nanny, step parents, parents of friends, teachers, scout leaders, extended family members, etc. to carry out the everyday needs of childhood. (You might just have to scan and email that left-behind school paper!)
Children need a dependable family structure along with positive parental attention. That structure can incorporate two homes, but Mom and Dad must remain united on important matters regarding the children. Sounds like this nanny has been a longstanding “member” of the family, so the children’s relationship with her also needs consideration. Much like an actively involved aunt or grandmother, a beloved nanny provides nurturing, guidance, encouragement and fun in the absence of the parents. Too often this role is underappreciated. A significant change or reduction of the nanny’s services should be treated compassionately.
To answer your question, and with agreement from the parties involved, it sounds like a fine schedule. After a few weeks the children, as well as the adults, should become used to it. A helpful tip recommended by JoAnne Pedro-Carroll in her book, “Putting Children First: Proven Strategies for Helping Children Thrive Through Divorce” , is to make a color-coded family calendar — updated in both homes — so everyone can quickly see which are Mom’s weeks (and evenings) and which are Dad’s.
Have you considered how this new schedule changes the legal requirement for child support payments? Financial compensation makes sense if one parent is carrying the load as far as being with the children and providing for their supervision while he or she is at work. However the schedule you are proposing is a 50-50 split of physical custody which should eliminate the expectation of support payments. Seek out a legal advisor for your situation or explore A Man’s Guide to Child Custody by David Pisarra. (You can read an online draft.)
A worthwhile goal for parents who are divorced is to move on from their failed marriage to create a working relationship with each other. You will find ways to move closer to this accomplishment with a book by Judith Ruskay Rabinor, “Befriending Your Ex After Divorce: Making Life Better for You, Your Kids, and Yes, Your Ex”. Agreeably, this is not always possible, however, it is best for everyone. Even the best-planned schedule will have unexpected glitches that would be much easier to remedy with an ally than an enemy.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood is a child development specialist in Annapolis. She holds a doctorate in Human Development from the University of Maryland at College Park and is founding director of the Chesapeake Children’s Museum. Long time fans and new readers can find many of her “Understanding Children” columns archived on the Chesapeake Family Magazine website. You can find her online at drdebbiewood.com.
What do you think? Leave your thoughts in the comments or submit a question to Dr. Debbie at Betsy@jecoannapolis.com
