Dear Dr. Debbie,
I’m a SAHM with 3 children ages 5 and under. This is the life I wanted, however, lately, being cooped up indoors with winter weather and sick children, I find myself criticizing and commanding the children in a voice that sounds exactly like my mother. Looking back, I think she was unhappy and often frustrated with her lot as a parent.
Hoping to be Better
Dear HtbB,
It’s true that one comes to the task of parenting with echoes of the parenting received. For better or worse, the most salient model of how to be a mother comes from what you were shown in your own childhood.
Looking Back
You’ve already taken a first step in describing your mother’s mindset during your childhood – unhappy and often frustrated. You’re able to identify this as the source of a voice you’d rather not use with your children. Can you think of reasons for your mother’s unhappiness? Consider talking to your mother or others who knew her during that period of her life.
Factors to probe for include imperfect conditions and situational difficulties she was struggling to overcome. Was she often lacking adult company to share the day’s ups and downs with? (Or were the adults she had access to only adding negativity?) Were weekend days the same as weekdays with mom on constant duty for the children’s needs without a break? Was money tight? Did any of her children pose extra challenges due to learning differences or a strong personality or chronic health issues? Was the home cluttered, unorganized, loud or otherwise a stressful environment? Was her diet deficient in healthy foods? Was she mourning a significant loss? Might she have had any number of health conditions that are associated with a negative mood –iron deficiency, hormone imbalance, side effect from a prescription, depression, insomnia, food sensitivity (headache, digestive discomfort), anxiety . . . ?
Is there anything about her parenting situation that reminds you of yours? If so, it’s easier to understand why she acted toward her children the way that she did. If not, you’ll need to find empathy for what was taking the joy away from her mothering role. Children generally see their family life as “normal” since it’s the only one they’re living in. This means they often attribute their own misbehavior or shortcomings as the reason mom is so fussy and mean. Look back with understanding to free yourself of the guilt of being a “bad” child.
Looking Around
Somewhere between then and now you recognized that there were other ways to be a mom. You aspired to leave behind you the criticizing and controlling standard set by your own mother. Did you see other examples in your friends’ parents? In books, on television, or from movies? Do you see mothers around you today who take parenting tasks in stride without ever fussing at their little ones?
Informal and formal mom circles can give you the grounding you’re looking for. Informal settings for parent watching and parent connecting would include the public library or the children’s museum. The City of Annapolis has an indoor Ballocity that allows children to play while their adults stay in the vicinity.
Moms’ groups and play groups fell off with the stay-at-home orders in March of 2020. See if any of these groups, compiled several years ago by Chesapeake Family Magazine, are in action presently. If the one nearest you isn’t currently active, maybe you could reactivate it!
There are also websites and Facebook pages that let you peer into other moms’ lives as well as make connections. Here are two:
La Leche League of Maryland, Delaware and DC
You can also find those other moms when you enroll a child or two in a preschool program that meets at least once a week. And consider making friends with a mom of your mom’s generation. There may just be a grandmother type around who’d be a nice addition to your current family. Good parenting is much easier to accomplish when you surround yourself with living examples of the kind of parent you’d like to be.
Looking Ahead
Acknowledge that your past is not your destiny. Even if you share a genetic condition, such as anxiety, you can consciously address it with appropriate treatment and switch up how you interact with your children.
One of the things that happens at formally structured play and or parenting groups is that moms share their hopes and fears for raising their children, bringing up examples both good and bad from their childhoods. The leader might share insightful parenting articles and books to guide you toward creating and acting upon a new vision of mothering.
Here are a few titles you can look to:
Perfect Daughters: Adult Daughters of Alcoholics by Robert Ackerman
Adult Children of Alcoholics Workbook: For Children of Addiction, Dysfunction and Adverse
Childhood Experiences by Tian Dayton
The Good Daughter Syndrome: Help For Empathic Daughters of Narcissistic, Borderline, or
Difficult Mothers Trapped in the Role of the Good Daughter by Katherine Fabrizio
Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-
Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson
Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents: Practical Tools to Establish Boundaries and
Reclaim Your Emotional Autonomy by Lindsay C. Gibson
Toxic Family Survival Guide by Sandra McBride
Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood by Rebecca Wells
Take time to shake out your inner parent and give voice to the much better parent that is possible.
Dr. Debbie
Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern.
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
