Dear Dr. Debbie,
We have a two-year-old who gets hysterical about once a day. Sometimes it’s related to when she ate last, or if she didn’t get a nap. The five-year-old, as I recall, wasn’t this bad at this age. He still blows up occasionally but has gotten much better at accepting disappointments.
I don’t think I’m cut out to handle a drama queen.
Trying Not to Lose It
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Dear TNtLI,
There are amazing strides in development from age two to age five. What you’re describing is the increasing ability for emotional control. Typically, a child gets better and better at managing her emotional expressions while at the same time she is getting better and better at meeting her own needs.
What you can take control of is guiding your little one to be more effective in using you to help her get what she needs, and not always what she wants.
Id, Ego, and Super Ego
Well over a hundred years ago, Sigmund Freud, the father of modern psychology, described the behavior of babies as based on the pleasure principal. An infant will repeat actions that bring pleasure and will protest, loudly, when they don’t like what they are experiencing. Hunger is a good example of discomfort that can turn into rage if the caregiver doesn’t immediately and accurately address it.
Freud named the function of the brain that tries to gratify pleasure – and avoid pain – as the “Id” (meaning “it”). Over the first five years it is important for a child to have close supervision to keep her from dangers, to protect things from being spilled or broken, and to redirect her from bothering other people or the family’s cat. She can’t be expected to do these things for herself.
The “Ego” serves the function of serving the Id. This comes into play as the child discovers she is a separate entity from the caregiver. It can be observed in a toddler who toddles off in the opposite direction when called, and in the strongly voiced objections of a two-year-old about holding still while you brush her hair (or just about anything else). An adult who is said to have “a big ego” is someone who still draws attention to, and works to satisfy, their own needs above anyone else’s.
In normal child development, the words and actions the adult uses to steer the child away from trouble become anticipated – “Be gentle with the cat” – and the child internalizes them. In other words, she can use consistently repeated guidance to direct herself. “Let’s remember to save some for your brother,” helps her to do the right thing when she’s too young to think of this herself. If thoughtfulness and carefulness are routinely guided, she will come to guide her own behavior by the family rules. Freud called this voice of the caregiver in her head the “Super Ego”.
Two Nuts
Advances in brain science over the last hundred years give us an anatomical explanation for what is happening in the developing child. Different parts of the brain and a tangled network of neurons are in operation as we think, feel, and move. Over the first few years of early childhood, emotional reactions become less and less extreme.
A simple way to describe what’s happening involves two different parts of the brain: the amygdalae and the cortex. “Amygdala” is the Latin word for almond, so named because that’s the size and shape of this organ. There are two of these little “nuts” located deep in the brain behind each temple. They are stimulated by events that arouse emotion.
An infant has zero control over her emotions. Within a few months she will have learned to “fake cry” in order to get picked up or otherwise attended to. Close observation will detect the lack of tears. Nonetheless, she doesn’t have much else to work with to make things happen.
A baby also has a simple sense of humor that can be triggered by silly actions such as crumpling a piece of paper to make a sound. Her cackles of hysteria are just as powerful as her mournful sorrow for a dropped binky or her wails of fear at the doctor’s office.
By the age of two a child still has strong emotions, but she has many more tools in her tool box to achieve the pleasure she seeks including how to work her beloved grown-ups. Her Big Nut is maturing.
The cortex is the largest area of the brain. The symmetry and curves resemble half a walnut. The Big Nut is where logic and reason take place.
By the age of five, a child will have had plenty of guidance and increasing motor and mental skills for solving problems. Her cortex enables her to remember what worked before, and to calculate consequences she should try to avoid. She’s far from an adult yet, but her amygdalae don’t run her life as they did before.
Stay in Your Big Nut
Back to your role in minimizing the creation of a drama queen. As the grown-up in the room, it is necessary for you to stay in your Big Nut.
Recognize when your child’s amygdalae have taken over. She can’t think logically. She can’t easily put her feelings into words. She’s trapped in a catastrophe with no way out.
Your goal in this moment is to help her to return to calm thinking – so the neural stimulation in her little nuts can subside. You have a job to do that involves Big Nut thinking.
Use a calm voice. Distract her frantic thoughts with something pleasant she can do soon, such as choosing a book for you to read together. Be clear and consistent about the family rules such that her emotional uproar doesn’t influence how you react. You will keep her safe. You will protect against messes and breakage. You will promote kindness among family members (and others, too!).
A level-headed response will teach her that she can count on you, and eventually herself, to work through a calamity and get past it.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum. She will be presenting Zoom workshops for parents on Mondays 7-9 pm, March 27: Ages and Stages 0-5-years, April 24: Good-for-You Food Fun
The museum is open with online reservations or call: 410-990-1993.
Read more of Dr. Wood’s Good Parenting columns by clicking here.
