Dear Dr. Debbie,
My six-year-old wanted to bring her new caddy of 12 markers to a Girl Scout event and I warned her that other girls might want to use them so she’d have to share. Well sure enough there was an activity with colored pencils provided and my daughter got her markers out of my bag. Another girl immediately asked for the pink. My daughter protested and quickly shed tears. I took her and markers aside and reminded her of the deal, that if the markers came out she would have to share them.
I would’ve thought that with three years as a big sister she’d be used to not being the center of the universe any more.
Stingy’s Mom
Dear S.M.,
Yes, we expect a six-year-old to understand the rule that if you bring something to a group activity you are bringing it to share. A Girl Scout event, particularly, with its emphasis on sisterhood, echoes the notion of looking out for one another.
But maybe being a sister is still taking some getting used to.
Sibling Adjustment
Usually it’s a major adjustment when a new baby enters the life of a first-born child. Her parents are tired. Housework takes a back seat. The meals she was used to are getting a lot of short cuts and substitutes. And the playmates she once counted on to join in her make believe play (her parents) are now unfocused and less cooperative if they join in at all.
As the baby’s mobility and ability to direct the actions of others improve, the older sibling has increased threats to her playtime. “Let’s move your play dough to the kitchen table where she can’t reach it.” “We can read your book in a little while after I read this one for your sister.” “Please give your sister a turn with the rocking horse.” Having a younger sibling means that you often have to move out of her way, wait, or give up what you want.
Same aged playmates should enter the life of a child around age three. Classmates in a preschool program or children in the neighborhood that get together frequently can provide lots of opportunities for learning the benefits of having another child or two around, and for learning that that best way to keep them around is to be a kind playmate. Unfortunately we were still in the midst of precautions against socializing due to the pandemic when your daughter was three. This coincidence may have impacted her ability to adjust to the new sibling. Your first-born didn’t have her own social world available for a break from the changed dynamic at home.
Lingering Pandemic Effects
Probably for at least a decade into the future, researchers will be studying how social distancing, high stress, and other factors affecting our lives in 2020 and the years that followed have had an impact on child development. Taking a look at the social-emotional development of current kindergartners and preschoolers, a study in Colorado echoed findings from Johns Hopkins in Maryland that saw delays likely caused by how our lives were turned upside down for a little while. If your daughter’s outburst about having to share her markers is part of a pattern of low tolerance for having to do something she doesn’t want to do, then we might say that experiences in her early years posed challenges to the normal development of emotional regulation.
Patience will be key to helping her prepare for and get though emotionally difficult times. Sounds like you’ve got a good handle on this.
Very Special Markers
With or without a pandemic, a child can form a special attachment to an object. In this case, a new caddy of markers. Perhaps it was a gift, and therefor represents a connection to a beloved person in her life. Perhaps she has found great joy in using them, in a place her parents set up that’s safe from her younger sibling’s reach. Perhaps it’s been a while since she felt that anything at home is truly hers and hers alone and doesn’t have to be shared. (Older siblings can be sad and jealous to see their clothing, furniture, and playthings passed down to the baby, along with all the attention they were used to getting from parents and other family members.)
Your pre-emptive discussion about having to share the markers at the event might have been enough to avoid tears had they not had special importance to your daughter. Even she might not have been able to predict how difficult sharing the markers was going to be. Happily you were able to coach her through the difficulty.
Moving On
Now that you’re both past the moment, it would be good to review and learn from it. Are the markers too precious to use them anywhere but at home? Good to know. And to know that we don’t always recognize how important something is to us until we fear that we may lose it (even temporarily.)
What are other things that could be more readily shared with her Girl Scout troop or with her classmates, or with a friend in the neighborhood? One tradition in Girl Scouts is for each girl to craft a small trinket, known as a Swap, which is then traded with another girl and kept as a keepsake, sometimes for decades. Have you tried baking pumpkin seeds yet? Maybe your daughter can bake or craft something with you to share. Children get better at sharing when adults help to set up situations in which they can be successful with it.
My family has a long tradition of patronizing Pick-Your-Own operations, enjoying the picking so much that we always get more than we need. (Last week we went apple picking with five grandchildren!) We extend our joy by sharing the bounty with other family members and friends.
Sharing is something we learn in our families and we sometimes need a little help to practice with our friends.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist www.drdebbiewood.com and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum www.theccm.org.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available https://www.theccm.org/event-details/purchase-tickets-in-advance or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
Thanks to a grant from the Institute for Museum and Library Services, CCM is hosting a series of workshops on Saturday mornings, Oct. 12, Nov. 2, and Dec. 7 for childcare professionals about using music and other arts activities with their children. Register for all 3 workshop, a total of 8 hours, for just $25.
Read more of Dr. Wood’s Good Parenting columns by clicking here.
