Dear Dr. Debbie,
My mother passed away while I was pregnant with my first child. My father died when the baby was still tiny. My husband’s parents live far away and have only visited our two children once – soon after the second was born.
I envy families that have active, nearby grandparents in their children’s lives as I had. How can we fill this void?
Something’s Missing
Dear S.M.,
Actively involved grandparents can indeed add so much to a happy childhood. It’s nice to hear that you experienced this. Given your situation, think how to fill in what’s missing for your children.
Make Present Day Connections
It’s becoming more common that there are middle aged adults wondering if their children will ever produce grandchildren for them, and others who have already been told it’s not in the cards. And there are grandparents who long to be closer and more involved with their grandchildren, but for a variety of reasons cannot.
Look around your social circles to see who might fit the bill as honorary Nannas and PopPops. These might be older adults you regularly chat with in your community, or that you know or knew from a workplace. If ethnicity and or religion are important to you, look into organizations and events where your honorary grandparents may be in attendance. Volunteering is a great way to get involved with such groups or with other groups with whom you share an interest. Ask around to find volunteer opportunities that welcome children.
Making Family
Do you know how to make family friends? The steps are similar to making friends in general, but you’re working toward having a relationship that will be an important part of family life for a good long time. These friends may be a generation older than you and your husband, and two generations removed from your children, but that’s how it is with grandparents. The age difference only adds to the value of the relationship.
Start with friendly chats. Your children will take cues from you as to whether adults they don’t yet know are approachable. After a few times of being together, let’s say washing the toys at the church nursery or setting up chairs for a youth group activity, and the vibes are good all around, invite this prospective grandfriend over for an informal dinner.
If all goes well, there will be more family meals, outings, birthday celebrations, giving rides when her car’s in the shop, lending him a hedge trimmer, etc. as your lives become intertwined. Who knows? You might get some free babysitting out of the deal!
Hopefully it gets to feel like you’ve always been like family with each other.
Share More Than Memories
In addition to having real time interactions with an older person or two, let your children get to know the grandparents that they didn’t get to spend time with. Share stories about how you learned things, went places, and enjoyed hobbies with your grandparents. Point out eye colors, or musical talents, or names that have been passed on to your children from their ancestors.
There are many other ways that children can feel connected with relatives that aren’t in their daily lives. For example, there may be a classic folktale that was told to you often at bedtime when you were young. If you don’t remember it by heart, find it online or at the library so you can regale your children with the story. Or perhaps your parent or grandparent taught you an important trick in the kitchen. My mother’s mother taught me how to re-use chicken fat, schmaltz, for which I am forever grateful. My father, who died when I was nine, taught me and my siblings to enjoy nature. This gift is now shared with my grandchildren – his great grandchildren.
Some character traits are passed down genetically, however we also learn how to behave from the examples our elders set. Think of positive traits that your parents had that you’d like your children to have and be sure to exemplify them. A good sense of humor? Industriousness? Congeniality? Ingenuity? If these people were here, your children would benefit from their attributes. So pay homage and turn a fond memory into action.
Keep the best of your beloved family member with you and share this inheritance with the next generation.
Dr. Debbie
Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern.
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am. Coming up: Saturday, February 1 at 1 pm, take the African American History Challenge. Free admission if you come dressed as a famous African American. Extra costumes and short bios will be supplied if needed! Co-sponsored by the Annapolis Alumnae Chapter of Delta Sigma Theta sorority.
