Dear Dr. Debbie,
My nine-year-old goes to an after school childcare setting – where he’s been going for a few years. The problem is, not one of his friends goes. At least they can see each other at soccer on weekends.
The childcare teachers tell me he’s miserable when he’s there. Every now and then I don’t have to be at work after 3 pm and he can take the bus home with his buddies. He pleads with me to let him take the bus home every day, but I don’t think I can do that.
His Mom
Dear H.M.,
There’s a turning point around eight-years-old upon which a child would much rather be with a friend than with his family.
As I have emphasized many times, steady friendships through childhood are treasures. Friends share each other’s ups and downs, provide feedback and encouragement, (accepting each other’s limitations), and readily share information and resources with each other. When you’re with a friend, you learn to put their needs above your own. Children develop key social skills through repeated contact with regular playmates including working together to achieve a common goal.
I have a few suggestions.
Work Schedule
Since sometimes you’ve been able to get home in time for him after school, see if you can manage to do that more often. If necessary, present a good argument to the boss that your work won’t suffer. Is there an option to do some of your work hours from home?
Could you at least leave work earlier and let your son enjoy the bus ride with friends and manage on his own for just an hour or so? Maryland Law allows for a child aged eight years and up to be unsupervised at home as long as no issues arise. Review house rules and snack options with your child and give him a chance to show you he can manage. Hopefully you have taken care to arrange the house so you can sleep in on a Saturday and he can find himself food and entertainment without needing a grownup.
More tips for assuring that being home alone is workable can be found on this checklist from Utah State University. They include:
Have a routine for checking in with each other – either you call him or he calls you (or another family member or a stay-at-home neighbor).
Keep a working flashlight (for a power outage) and first aid kit (for minor boo boos) where he can easily find them.
Totally childproof the home including making medicines, alcohol, and other dangers inaccessible. If the house has an alarm system or front door camera, be sure your son is well familiar with how they work.
Hold a discussion with him about emergencies including reasons to call 9-1-1 before calling a parent. Cleveland Clinic offers good examples of emergency situations to include in the discussion. Take turns to practice calling about a specific emergency. Give your address. Stay on the line with the 9-1-1 operator until help arrives. He or she may tell you to go outside to wait.
Parent Network
Since his friends all ride the same bus, I’m guessing they live nearby. Are they on their own or is there a reliable adult at home to receive them? At every stage of parenting, parent peers are indispensable. It might be a good time to invite all the families over, one at a time if that’s preferable, so the parents can get to know each other and be better able to support the children’s friendships. Use this network to see if one of the other parents wouldn’t mind looking after your son on a regular basis. You could offer to pay whatever you’re paying now for the aftercare service.
If no one can do this regularly, see if there’s one that can be designated as the adult to call if your son needs anything while he’s home alone.
Make a Friend
If dropping the after school childcare program just isn’t an option at this time, be sure to arrange weekends and other days off so that your child has plenty of time to spend with his longtime friends.
At the same time, work with the childcare staff to determine who among the other children there would be a good candidate to build a friendship with. The established friends can still be weekend friends, but having a buddy at childcare would make a world of difference for your son’s psychological well-being.
Meet the parents. Exchange contact information. Arrange a weekend playdate. Build the connection between the families to the point that one parent can take both children home from childcare for a weeknight family dinner. And yes, this means you go on each other’s approved pick up list for the childcare center records.
It’s important to have time with friends.
Dr. Debbie
Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern.
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Walk-ins are welcome. Fall Family Memberships to the museum provide unlimited admissions for your family through December 31, 2026.
There is a Nature Walk on Thursdays at 10:30 am. Art and Story Time with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet is on Mondays at 10:30 am.
Celebrate the World Wide Day of Play at the Kunta Kinte Festival, Saturday, September 26, 12-7 pm outside the Navy-Marine Corps Memorial Stadium (Cedar Park Rd side.). Children’s activities follow a theme of Agriculture with hands on fun.
Dr. Debbie is offering a series of workshops for parents and other caregivers in October.
