A Mother’s Intuition
Both Nixon and Hyde suspected that their children might be gay or transgender early on. “At the age of three or four, Will said, ‘Mommy, something went wrong inside your belly. I was supposed to be a girl,” says Hyde. As for Jordan, “It was just a feeling I had,” said Nixon. “He’s highly intelligent, he’s just this awesome kid, but he never showed any interest in girls.”
Many—but not all—parents suspect their child isn’t straight before their child comes out. If you think your child may be gay, “Don’t push it,” says Shelley Kosisky, a clinical psychologist with a practice in Annapolis. “I would give them opportunities to have an open discussion about it.”
“Be prepared,” suggests Linda Goldman, a therapist in Chevy Chase and author of
“Coming Out, Coming In: Nurturing the Well-Being and Inclusion of Gay Youth in Mainstream Society.” “It wouldn’t hurt to practice a response if and when your child comes to you. Your homework is to create an environment where they know they can come to you.” She suggests using teachable moments on TV to show your acceptance and create a welcoming space.
Goldman also has advice for parents who may be blindsided by their child’s coming out. “Parents need to know that they might go through a myriad of feelings that might be uncomfortable, and it’s OK to deal with that. There’s a grief process for parents … It’s the loss of the future they thought their child would have.”
Goldman cautions against telling your child that his or her sexual orientation is a phase or a choice. “You hear this over and over again,” she says. “’Why don’t you try having sex with a girl?’” to prove that a boy isn’t really gay. “What if, in reverse, someone said, ‘guess what? I’m straight’ and the gay world didn’t believe you and said ‘why don’t you try having sex with a guy?’”
Many parents feel that they did something wrong or that they made their child gay. “Nobody made anybody gay,” says Goldman. “That’s who they are.”
Out of the Closet—Now What?
Now that your child is out, what’s the best way to support him or her? Follow his or her lead, says Kosisky. “I know parents who have bumper stickers that say ‘proud mother of a gay son,’ and I hope they discussed that with their son first,” she says. When it comes to advocating at school, let your child decide how involved he or she wants you to be. “Say, if you need me to go to the school and help you to develop a gay/straight alliance, let me know.” But if he or she wants you to back off, do so—unless you feel your child is in actual danger.
When it comes to extended family, “Promote education first—educaiton is always the kiey to melting prejudices,” says Kosisky. “When you’re at a family picnic and someone makes a homophobic remark and you sit in silence, the assumption is you’re in agreement.”
Nixon chose to cut off ties with her father and her brother after they made homophobic remarks and after her brother said he no longer wanted Jordan around his children. “I walked away from them because Jordan is my son and their view is wrong,” she says. “If they do come around, great. If not, their loss. I love my dad, but I love my son more.”
Finding support for yourself is also important. PFLAG, Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAGmd.org) is the most widely-recognized support group and has chapters all over the state.
Above all, remember that your child is still your child.
Hyde says, “You will find your footing again. Your thoughts and dreams and expectations are shaken, but the earth will stop shaking, aftershocks will get further and further between and you will be grounded again.”
Nixon agrees. T”hese are still the same children you raised. You would have thrown yourself in front of a car to protect your child. Don’t let them down now.”
