Dear Dr. Debbie,
I try hard to keep patient with and around my three and a half-year-old but she remembers and repeats all the negative things I accidentally let slip out. Yesterday I was quietly muttering to myself after a phone call with a client and later heard my little one’s perfect imitation of my emotional reaction, “Well that’s just too much to expect! What is he thinking?” as she was playing with her dolls.
Today I heard an expletive from her. Oops.
Did I Say That?
—-
Dear DIST,
You are learning a good lesson in language acquisition. That is, that a young child soaks up the language she hears being used around her.
Imitation isn’t Always Flattering
As you noticed, your child picks up everything she hears, not just the nice words. A very strong force is at play here – social modeling. You are a significant model for many things including how you use language.
Try to be more mindful of what you say while your daughter is around. Many parents unconsciously change their speech patterns with their young children (more on this below), but not always when they’re speaking around their young children. For the child, both situations give her the same opportunity to see how language works and to add words and phrases to her own vocabulary.
If you don’t like what you hear her saying, you need to stop saying it!
Modeling Positivity
Language is an expression of our thoughts, needs, and feelings. We also use language to maintain a relationship and to make requests. Hopefully your reaction to the client on the phone was a rare example of frustration in that relationship.
You know the protocol for putting on your own oxygen mask before helping others? The same applies to adjusting your attitude toward positivity so that your words are more likely to be what you’d like to hear from your child. Take stock of negative factors affecting your ability to feel positive about your life and your day to day challenges. As with a good flow of oxygen, take steps to have more positive language flowing from your lips in order to help your child have a better flow herself.
This can include working on the relationship with your client so that you aren’t exasperated with him. Maybe you need to be clearer with him about expectations. Or maybe you can call upon associates for support with a task that’s beyond your capacity. While it’s convenient to work from home, and not to have to arrange for childcare, it might be better to conduct business when you’re not on parenting duty – and being observed by your little language learner.
On the other hand, as long as your language use is positive, a home-based business can actually benefit your child’s language development while expanding her view of the world. She’ll pick up on how to make and receive a call by starting with your name, how to be a respectful listener and good question asker, how to focus on tasks and goals, how to collaborate with others, and how to wrap up and end a call. You’ll hear her using your great examples as she practices with her dolls. This pretend play is foundational for career education!
In the same vein, when you work from home your use of language with your daughter might be overheard in a phone call or a virtual meeting. Adjust your everyday parenting language to be something that would reflect positively on your parenting relationship.
Grammar and Pronunciation
The language that you use with adults, particularly when your child is within earshot, should be the standard that you hope for her to use. This should include correct grammar and pronunciation.
It is correct to say, “I like what you are doing.” It is incorrect to say, “Mommy likes what Harper is doing” when Mommy is speaking to Harper. I wouldn’t say, “Dr. Wood wonders why Mrs. Taylor is asking this” when talking with Mrs. Taylor. Unless of course we are speaking in Chinese, Indonesian, Thai, Hungarian or another language in which it is traditional to speak in the third person. In English one should use the pronouns “I” and “you” with a child the same as one does with an adult.
Typically a three-year-old makes overgeneralizations with verbs and plurals. If she says, “We goed to the store and buyed food,” you can reply, “Yes, we went and bought food.” When she makes a plural of “leaf” by adding the “s” sound, and says, “foots” to refer to what’s at the end of both of her legs, you should make a point of using “leaves” and “feet” as often as you can in your conversations. The more she hears the correct words the sooner the wrong ones will sound wrong to her.
Pronunciation also develops with correct examples over time. The control of the muscles that produce speech are gaining coordination during the preschool years. “Birfday” uses the “f” sound which is easier to say than the “th” sound. Again, if you model the correct pronunciation, she will eventually master your example.
Parents set the standard for the language their children will use.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
Read more of Dr. Wood’s Good Parenting columns by clicking here.
