Kernel Rating (out of 5): 
MPAA Rating: G Length: 87 minutes
Age Appropriate for: 4+. One joke about genitalia, and the chipmunks sing some songs that are sexually charged in their entirety, like “Bad Romance” by Lady Gaga.
Quite possibly the laziest release of the holiday season, ‘Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked’ is where creativity goes to die.
By Roxana Hadadi
I will confess that I love chubby, kindly Theodore and realistic, pragmatic Simon, two of the chipmunks that make up “Alvin and the Chipmunks”. Notice that I do not love Alvin. Alvin is a terrible child-chipmunk-hybrid-thing.
And yet here we are with “Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked,” the third film in this series adapted from the animated TV show. In this crass ploy for parental bucks, Alvin is again hogging the limelight and overshadowing his brothers, much like he did in 2007’s “Alvin and the Chipmunks” and 2009’s “Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel.” Whoever makes up those cutesy titles must have a hard time sleeping at night. And yes, I understand that Alvin isn’t a real boy, he’s just a CGI chipmunk made up by 20thCentury Fox to earn hundreds of millions of dollars each time one of these films is released. But seriously. He fills me with rage.
Much like this summer’s “Judy Moody and the NOT Bummer Summer,” “Chipwrecked” is one of those movies that champions an obnoxious character at the expense of the more adorable, realistic others. (I know they’re CGI chipmunks; still, bear with me!) Here again Alvin (voiced by Justin Long) tries to prove he’s better than all the other chipmunks — his brothers Simon (Matthew Gray Gubler) and Theodore (Jesse McCartney), and their kind-of foster sisters Brittany (Christina Applegate), Jeanette (Anna Faris) and Eleanor (Amy Poehler), the members of the Chipettes — while commandeering a family trip with their human father Dave (Jason Lee). Before the Chipmunks and the Chipettes are set to perform at the International Music Awards, Dave takes them on a cruise to bond and relax; Alvin, constantly wanting to push the boundaries and grow up, hurtles them into a series of bad situations that results in the six chipmunks shipwrecked on a deserted island and Dave floating in the ocean as that fancy Carnival ship sails away. (Between this and “Jack and Jill,” they’re making some serious product placement moves lately.)
As Urkel would say, “Oops! Did I do that?” Yes, Alvin, yes you did. After they go overboard, it’s up to the six chipmunks — who are maybe treated as siblings by Dave, but also look at each other romantically? It’s weird — to survive on the island, where they struggle to look for food and run into castaway Zoe (Jenny Slate), who seems nice but may not be. Intrigue!
Oh, and evil music executive Ian (David Cross), who abused the Chipmunks in the series’ first film and the Chipettes in the second, pops up. Because that’s necessary.
But as much as it’s easy to hate the mindlessness of “Chipwrecked” — which honestly should be ashamed of being in the same genre as fantastic films like “The Muppets” and “Hugo,” both also labeled children’s films — that’s just it. It’s mindless. Director Mike Mitchell and writers Jonathan Aibel and Glenn Berger do practically everything as you’d expect: Zoe warps into some kind of insane Tom Hanks rip-off, imagining athletic gear as real people; Dave and Alvin learn to appreciate one another’s responsibility and impulsiveness, respectively; and the chipmunks sing a bunch of Top 40 hits, like Lady Gaga and Destiny’s Child. It’s only shocking that in this hypothetical world, people wouldn’t object to chipmunks sharing space with them on a cruise ship — no one complains about the cleanliness or hygiene implications? — and famous music acts wouldn’t be angry about the Chipmunks and Chipettes making money from singing their songs. Hmm.
But then compassionate, wimpy, loving Theodore makes Dave a necklace made out of beads and dried pasta, and Simon warps into a French vigilante with the ability to tell Jeanette how he feels, and there’s a slow-mo portion where the chipmunks go all “Lord of the Flies” and fight over a mango, with Eleanor snarling, “My precious!” That’s as good as it gets, and for those brief moments, “Chipwrecked” is tolerable, even enjoyable, possibly inspired. And, it’s not in 3D! Small victories, people. Small victories.
