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Movie Review: Vampires Suck (PG-13)

The Title Says it All

By Kristen Page-Kirby

By this time, you must know that “Vampires Suck” is not a good movie. You can tell by the trailers and by the fact that the film was not made available to critics for advanced screenings—a tactic the studios use when they know they have a dog on their hands. And with good reason: It’s a film that manages to be both inappropriate for children and unfunny to adults.

“Vampires Suck” is a parody of the “Twilight” series, with some names slightly and mostly unfunnily changed. So, plot-wise, you can just read our reviews of the first, the second or the third films. While the actors try their best (particularly Jenn Proske as Becca, who plays Kristen Steward better than Stewart herself), the flat script doesn’t give them enough to work with. Unlike successful parodies (like “The Naked Gun” series), the filmmakers don’t trust their source material to give them enough solidly funny jokes, so they rely too much on sexual innuendo and cheap physical humor. Which is a shame, because there are some solid laughs in the movie—Bella’s iPod has playlists like “Teen Angst,” “I Hate My Life” and “I Want to Kill Myself” and one of the songs (which I hope is real, because I want it) cries “Why can’t I find a cool alternative boyfriend?” While there’s plenty to mock in the “Twilight” series, there’s just not enough to make a full-length movie. I kind of wish the filmmakers (Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, who are also behind weak parodies like “Meet the Spartans” and “Epic Movie”) had used Proske and  Matt Lanter (who plays Edward Sullen and who I finally recognized halfway through as being “90210’s” Liam. What? That show is hilarious. You should watch it.) to make an internet short. Then it would probably have worked.

There is plenty to make parents hesitate. Partial nudity (male and female), heavy making out (including one same-sex kiss), s-words and b-words abound. The violence is played for laughs, so that’s probably not a concern. And at the end of the film, when I was  thinking how nice it was to have a PG-13 without an f-word… one showed up.

Previews with this showing included “Unstoppable,” a train disaster movie where the train is referred to as a b-word; “Due Date,” which mentions losing one’s virginity; “Easy A,” which has some sex talk and looks really good; and “Machete,” which has both Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez in various states of undress and plenty of violence, as well as the puzzling declaration “introducing Don Johnson.”


Kristen Page-Kirby is the editor of Chesapeake Family Magazine. She last reviewed “Step Up 3.”

Also out this week is “Scott Pilgrim vs. The World.”



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