Dear Dr. Debbie,

I know this may sound strange, but in my culture (from Ghana) children live with their parents until they marry. My oldest still lives with me. The middle child, my son, recently married and now lives with his wife.

The baby, age 25, has decided to head to Los Angeles where she has a few connections and lots of aspirations. She’s has travelled there a couple of times with a friend and sees her future in acting or public relations. At first, she’ll stay with a family friend who is her age and who has been there for four years. Then, in about a month, a friend of that friend needs a house sitter.

Then, who knows? Who will cook for her if not her mother?

I’m so depressed about this and physically sick.

A Mom Forever

Dear Forever Mom,

The role of being a mother goes through changes at different stages of a child’s life. In the beginning, you’re needed for total physical care and a strong emotional foundation. The early years are carried out with close oversight for a child’s physical and psychological well-being. Your guidance is often needed to support her through friendships, schooling, and everyday lessons that teach her to take care of herself: healthy habits, cooking, laundry, household repairs, money management, and helping her to discover interests and talents that may lead to a career.

In some cultures, childhood ends with a marriage. However, in the United States, according to the latest Census, “Fewer people are marrying, and they’re doing it later — both men and women are older when they first tie the knot.” Less than half of U.S. households are now headed by a married couple and the average age for a woman to marry is over 28 ½ years.

In the U.S., the transition to adulthood is more often marked as a step toward financial independence rather than as a commitment to a spouse. Young adults set their sights on embarking on a career. Attracting a marriage partner may or may not be a priority.

The typical passage to adulthood in the U.S. is demonstrated by the milestones of: acquiring a driver’s license, registering to vote, obtaining training for a career path, and earning a steady paycheck. If one becomes a parent, (the Census reports that 40% of women ages 30-34 years have not had children), that is often seen as the final milestone in leaving a carefree lifestyle behind.

Cultural differences aside, doing a good job of parenting results in having raised a responsible adult. In the U.S. this is usually equated with being financially independent of one’s parents.

Friends

Believe me, there have been successful outcomes for young adults who have moved across the country, or across an ocean, without knowing anyone there when they arrive. Your daughter has a head start with the family friend who has offered to share her home as a first stop. With four years’ experience this friend can provide valuable guidance regarding local resources for employment, food, transportation, recreation, health care, and other needs as they arise.

Next, there’s the housesitting arrangement. Already the family friend in L.A. has connected your daughter to her friend who will provide the next housing situation. Before the housesitting ends, a chain of friends, and the new friends your daughter makes, can lead to the next arrangement. In addition to bestowing one another with contacts for housing, friends are great connectors to job opportunities.

Finances

There will be financial lessons to be learned when your daughter is on her own. While living at home with you there was always a safety net of a roof over her head and food on the table. According to the Pew Research Center, 18% of young adults, ages 25 to 34, were living in a parent’s home in 2023. If she was treated more or less like an adult, contributing to the household budget and helping to make decisions about the family’s expenses, the transition to financial independence will be easier. If not, this move will come with practical opportunities to weigh her needs against her wants.

The friends who will be helping your daughter navigate life in L.A. can steer her to local resources to match her financial standing. For example, there are many hyper-local Buy Nothing groups there. Items are loaned, swapped, or given freely among members. Neighborhoods with housing that’s affordable to young adults typically also contain less expensive stores and service providers. The network of friends can be tapped for such information.

Working in a restaurant or grocery store is a popular strategy in the aspirational phase of one’s career.

Be clear with your daughter about how much you’d be able to help her financially. With two of your three children now out of the house, your household spending will be less. (But if they were contributing to the household income, your income is less, too.)

While this may feel like a temporary situation, especially coupled with your son’s very recent departure from the family home, your long-term plans might include downsizing to a smaller home or taking in a boarder for a now-empty bedroom.

Food

Naturally you are concerned about being so far away. No, it’s not practical to send her cooked meals. Yes, there’s something special about Mom’s cooking, but if she’s been paying attention, your daughter has gained kitchen skills from you. If not, the friend group and her appetite will lead the way to food. Hunger is a strong motivator. Even a small number of young adults can enjoy the benefit of potluck meals for which everyone contributes a dish to serve the group.

Food is a nice connection to keep between mother and daughter. You might prepare a homemade cookbook for your her as a gift for the sendoff.

With a continent’s distance between you, have you thought about bridging the gap with weekly video chats while you both cook? Share a recipe ahead of time via email so she has a chance to gather ingredients.

Just remember when you schedule your video visit to calculate a three-hour time difference!

Dr. Debbie

Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern. 

Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Walk-ins are welcome. Fall Family Memberships to the museum provide unlimited admissions for your family through December 31, 2026.

There is a Nature Walk on Thursdays at 10:30 am. Art and Story Time with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet is on Mondays at 10:30 am.  

Dr. Debbie is offering a series of workshops for parents and other caregivers starting with Activities for Learning on Saturday, October 3, 9 am to 12 pm. Thanks to a grant from Anne Arundel County, the workshops are $10 per person.