Dear Dr. Debbie,
I have a lot of gripes about my ex in connection with our two sons, but this one really gets under my skin. We’ve been living separately for two years with him having twice weekly visits and alternate holidays. In that time he remarried, had a daughter with her, and they’re expecting a second child this spring. I had one request regarding the new wife. “Please don’t have the boys call her ‘Mommy’”. They’re 4 and 6-years-old.
Recently the kids have been referring to her as “Mommy B.”. According to my ex this is was decided on because they thought the one-year-old might be confused if the children were to continue to call the baby’s mother by her first name.
Fuming
Dear Mommy,
Your family has undergone a restructure. What was formerly a single home with two parents has become two homes – one with a single mother and the other with a growing blended family.
The stepmother in question transitioned from being Dad’s romantic partner to becoming part of his family. His family happens to include your mutual children as well as the children he has fathered with the second wife. And, despite your objection, she is the “Mommy” of that home with a young child of her own who is old enough to say so.
Titles
Yes, it is special to be called “Mommy” by a child. In your case, two children call you by this distinguished title. This honor signifies a lasting nurturing relationship rooted in unconditional love. It’s also what a young child learns to use when he’s hungry, hurt, or just needing to be noticed. The person holding this title, and who has earned it, responds quickly and lovingly to the call.
Have you noticed that in a public place, such as a playground, if a child calls out, “Mommy!” more than one woman’s head will turn in his direction? Have you also noticed that many a teacher of young children is accidentally called “Mommy” by a student in a moment of needing adult attention?
Being a Mommy is a duty as well as a privilege.
Roles
What role is the stepmother playing in your children’s lives? Even if they’re only in her home a couple times a week, if a situation calls for an adult, their stepmother may be the only one present. Especially for a four-year-old, a grown up in the house is someone who can help you with getting dressed, preparing food for you, telling you to stop jumping on the couch, etc. If Daddy were the only adult around he would be doing everything the children needed an adult to do. If Daddy’s parents (the children’s grandparents) were around, they would be expected to interact with the children as auxiliary adults, as would any of Daddy’s siblings and perhaps some close friends.
The role of stepparent is that of an involved adult who happens to be married to a child’s parent. There are likely other significant adults in your children’s lives – other relatives, teachers, camp counselors, babysitters, their friends’ parents – in whom you extend trust to do whatever your children may need in your absence. When any adult is “on duty” (i.e. in a temporary supervision situation) the expectation is for them to “be the adult in the room” on behalf of your children. In other words, if your child needs to be fed, dressed, guided, etc. this person is acting “in loco parentis” – meaning they have responsibilities by virtue of Mommy’s or Daddy’s trust to momentarily take the place of a parent.
Team of Parents
All children benefit from a “village” of adults who engage with them in childhood and help them look toward a successful future. Beyond pouring a glass of milk and knowing how to apply pressure to a cut finger, an invested stepmother can be part of this effort by forging a trusting relationship with the children of her spouse’s prior partner. But the ultimate success of her relationship with the children will depend on you.
It’s always best to work toward being a cooperative teammate with your child’s other parent (Daddy) and, by virtue of their marriage, with his second wife. It’s not a competition. The depth and breadth of the children’s relationship with her can enrich their lives with shared outings, interesting hobbies, help with homework, etc. A stepparent may have expertise, connections, life experiences, etc. beyond the children’s biological parents’, therefore expanding horizons during their childhood and contributing to positive paths into adulthood.
The book, Befriending Your Ex After Divorce may be of benefit to your situation. The three of you are all on the team of doing what’s best for the children.
What’s in a Name?
Back to your concern about sharing the title of “Mommy”. It may sting to hear your children refer to Wife # 2 in this way. That’s valid. You are indeed a very, very special person in their lives. No one can take that away.
It may help to consider that children often have more than one grandmother. Each may have a unique moniker – Grandmommy, Grandma, Granny, Big Mama, Nana, etc. – by personal preference or just to avoid confusion in the family.
You’re your children’s Mommy. She’s their Mommy B. Another adult to love your children.
Dr. Debbie
Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern.
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis.
CCM is open from 10 am to 4 pm daily. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Walk-ins are welcome. Art and Story Time with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet is on Monday mornings at 10:30 am. There is a Nature Walk on Thursdays at 10:30 am.
