Dear Dr. Debbie,
My six-year-old stunned me as we were driving to an event my mother had set up in which he and a group of children were to perform a folk dance. My quiet child had gone willingly to the rehearsals leading up to it but apparently, “She didn’t even ask if I wanted to do it.”
There was lots of control and manipulation in my childhood and little room for discussion and compromise if I or my siblings were at odds with Mom’s expectations. Even now, she’ll pose a request as a statement of obvious need – as in, “The salad bowls can go on the dinner plates” – rather than first asking if I could set the table.
Now that her manipulative tendency is affecting my child, how can I put a stop to it? I promised him it wouldn’t happen again, but explained that the other children in the dance and the audience were counting on him. “The show must go on.”
Bad Re-run
Dear B.R.,
Although your mother may not have a diagnosable Narcissistic Personality Disorder, you are describing some of its traits. At the root of a narcissist’s behavior is the assumption that her needs are the only needs that exist. And that the function of everyone around her will be to meet those needs. Her agenda includes devaluing and taking advantage of others. In the example of an involuntary performer, the goal of the manipulation is to make the narcissistic look good. She envisions an appreciative audience admiring her dancing children, including her grandchild.
A parent or grandparent’s manipulative behavior denies the value of a child’s opinions, feelings, and needs. The introverted nature of your child was not even considered in the plan to have him perform with the group. He was just expected to go along with it.
Planned Attention
One possible cause of narcissism is lack of nurturing and positive attention in one’s childhood. During infancy and early childhood the parent’s primary role is to enjoy taking care of their little one. This leads to a three or four-year-old who feels good about herself which attracts friends to play with. Barring more than the usual bumps along the way to growing up, this leads to successful social interactions into adulthood.
Alternatively, a child’s unmet needs for validation of her worth due to uncaring, negligent, and or critical parents can lead to continued cravings to be the center of attention in any social situation.
One way to minimize a narcissist’s attempts to control those around her is to go heavy on the positive attention. Feed her need.
Prepare yourself, and coach your child, to bestow sincere compliments when you’re with Grandma. It’s not a bad idea to get in the habit of saying nice things to people, and your son will soon pick up on how easy it is to get a smile in return.
Firm Boundaries
Stick to your agreement with your son to protect him from future commitments to be on stage or anything else Grandma comes up with that is beyond his comfort level. Let her know that this was a difficult task for him, and that he probably wouldn’t be interested in any future performances. (If she denies that he didn’t enjoy it, restate that he may decline in the future with an emphasis on the point that he will be asked, not assumed, to participate.)
Just as you do with a child, be consistent about your boundaries with your mother. She may not be used to being told, “No” but if you set clear and steady limits she may eventually learn what they are. For example, your family may have a rule about having cookies only after a meal. A narcissist grandparent may try to win favor with the grandchildren by violating this rule. Makes her look good. (Needless to say, it doesn’t do anyone else any good.)
To prevent Grandma’s use of your time together to criticize or belittle you (or your child), take control of the conversation by being ready with several topics ahead of time. She will probably enjoy talking about herself – an oft-told childhood memory, a recent trip she took, a hobby she’s getting into.
And keep your visits short and infrequent.
Counter the Dysfunction
When there is an unpleasant interaction with Grandma, be sure to debrief your child afterwards. He’s counting on you to protect him and needs to see that you can protect yourself. If the visit included any manipulations, review what happened and how you managed to steer things back to safety. Or what you might try to do differently next time. Strategize things to do and say to make your visits more pleasant for all.
You’re attempting to change patterns your son is just starting to recognize but that you’ve been subjected to much longer. Change is needed.
Parent-child dynamics play a significant role in shaping emotional well-being, social skills, and overall mental health. A continued pattern of insensitivity can lead to low self-esteem. Think of the cumulative damage if Grandma continues to ignore her grandchild’s feelings. You’ve clearly decided to spare him from this.
Protect yourself, too. It’s time to separate yourself from “yes, she’s so right about me and has every right to control me” to a healthier stance. The Cleveland Clinic has some suggestions:
- Adjust your expectations to the likely behavior instead of being surprised by it.
- Choose confrontations to your best advantage. Some arguments are futile so don’t bother.
- Work with a therapist to dissect your childhood experiences and their effect on the present.
- Be intentional about how you want to live your life and how you want to parent your child.
Dr. Debbie
Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern.
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis.
CCM is open from 10 am to 4 pm daily. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Walk-ins are welcome. Art and Story Time with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet is on Monday mornings at 10:30 am. Each Thursday there is a Nature Walk at 10:30 am.
Register for the Maryland STEM Festival event: Savoring Science – From Sun to Supper at Chesapeake Children’s Museum, Saturday, November 15, 1-2 pm to learn how energy from the sun powers every bite of food we eat..
