N
Dear Dr. Debbie,
Our little neighborhood has a text chain that most parents of school-age children are in. This came in handy when a family lost track of their seven-year-old yesterday. The alert went out and many neighbors went into action. Within a half hour he was found perfectly safe.
This made me wonder. Should I reframe how I teach my children, ages 6 and 4, to react if someone they don’t know calls them by name? My mom had a “safe word” I was to ask for if anyone asked me to go with them. Fortunately, no such situation ever came up.
Planning Ahead
—
Dear P.A.,
Children do have a way of breaking contact with their parents, whether to toddle a little too far after a butterfly at a picnic, to hide when they think they’re in trouble, to follow a friend into their friend’s house, or to hop into a car with a friend’s teen-age sister to pick up snacks at the store. Most of the time, our children’s growing independence catches us by surprise and we play catch up to establish rules and, if warranted, to serve up consequences.
Rules
Generally, a parent or responsible adult knows where a child is, and with whom, and that all is well, at all times, until about age 18. (And for some, even longer.) This can be aided with a watch or cell phone for the child to know when he’s expected to be home or needs to check in.
The art of good parenting includes gradually expanding freedoms as the child matures. Until then, a parent or authorized adult enforces established rules for staying within sight, within shouting distance (which means he can’t go inside anyone’s house), or keeping that adult updated by text or phone calls as to changes in plans and whereabouts. With consideration for age appropriateness, a cell phone can be used as part of a child’s connection to his parent.
As your child’s horizons expand, any new rule needs to be clearly communicated and repeated several times to effectively sink in.
The Village
A neighborhood network is a good plan for many situations. In the days of more primitive technology, neighbors used to know one another and look out for each other as a matter of course. Nowadays this can be accomplished as your neighbors have done with a group text, or various other social media options. There are “curb alerts” that let neighbors know about perfectly good items left out for anyone to pick up. Traffic and weather conditions are described with up-to-the-minute local accuracy. Localized social media even helps job seekers and job providers connect. And in an emergency such as a missing child, these are the people already in place to conduct the search.
Use the social networks that you and your children have in common – families with children on the block or who are in the same class or school. As your children get involved in scouts, sports and other activities, a well-connected network can help with many needs – sourcing equipment and uniforms, planning a group activity, and the rides to and from. These are the villagers that fulfill the all-important needs of playmates for your children and a group of caring grown-ups who look out for each other’s children.
Neighbors who don’t have children the ages of your children are also part of the “village” in which you can meet each other’s neighborly needs. You should come to know who shares an interest in gardening or baking or furniture refinishing and be able to swap tips and tools. Your children will come to learn that there are adults outside of their family who are of value, and who can be relied upon in an emergency.
Abduction Fears
In most cases, 97%-99% of the time, a missing child is soon found perfectly safe. Maybe it was a misunderstanding about what time to be home, or which friend’s house he was going to. An abduction by a malevolent stranger is rare. The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC) emphasizes that while it still can be very upsetting to the child, if a child has indeed been abducted it is most likely by a family member (often in a custody dispute). The NCMEC has determined that only 1% of non-family abductions are by someone unknown to the child. Again, use your village to learn about the other villagers and teach your children to come to you with any concerns.
As your children become old enough to play outside, and to walk to and from school or the bus stop alone, you can educate them proactively. They are to walk past homes of people the family knows, in groups whenever possible. They are not to accept rides, candy, nor money from “tricky people”. Another trick of an untrustworthy teen or adult is to tempt a child by saying they have a puppy to show him (inside a car or inside a building). And your child should direct an adult who is asking for help (such as asking for directions) to another adult. Age eight is a good age to act out these scenes with dolls or puppets.
There are dangers in the world out there. Let’s surround our children with adults who work together to keep them safe.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
This Saturday, March 2, 7-8:30 pm is Pajama Story Time! The Annapolis Deltas invite you to come in your pj’s and leave with a book! Admission is free for this event.
Read more of Dr. Wood’s Good Parenting columns by clicking here.
