Dear Dr. Debbie,

I know my 10-year-old was tired at the time, and so was I. He and his younger sisters were watching a movie as their selected screen time activity for the evening and he wandered away out of boredom.

When he wandered back, he asked if he could watch something else when the movie was over because he really didn’t want to watch this one in the first place.

I reminded him that he had agreed to the choice of the movie and that due to bedtime approaching, there wasn’t time for another whole movie. Essentially, I said, “No.” As he started to cry (did I mentioned, he was tired?) Daddy cut in with the option of watching something short together on his laptop.

The crying instantly stopped but I felt my authority had been disrespected. I was also a little embarrassed that I hadn’t thought of this solution myself.

Who’s In Charge Here?

Dear WICH.,

This scenario underscores the importance of house rules and parental teamwork. Your house rules provide for an amount of screen time before bedtime. Your ten-year-old was in on the choice of a movie. His subsequent dislike for the movie didn’t change the fact that bedtime was approaching. So obviously the answer was, “No.”

However, and this is a qualified “however”, Daddy proposed a solution that bypassed the need to wait until the sisters had gotten to the end of the movie.

Ideal Parenting

Parenting involves ever-evolving relationships between the generations. We try to console crying babies because they are unable to get their own food, change the temperature of the room, or alleviate their own gas pains. While we don’t like to see a ten-year-old crying, his crying doesn’t mean we should break the bedtime rule.

Dad’s suggestion acknowledged that it would be unfair for the brother not to have an enjoyable movie before bed. Furthermore, it would be disruptive to the sisters’ enjoyment of their movie if the crying continued. Dad took a moment to think of a solution to your son’s problem (regardless of the crying) which aligns with research on parenting styles. An approach that combines reliable structure (bedtime is still bedtime) with sympathetic negotiation (a short video on another device) is best.

The American Psychological Association shares a brief description of the “Authoritarian Style” of parenting, first named by Diana Baumrind in the early 1960’s.

“In this parenting style, the parents are nurturing, responsive, and supportive, yet set firm limits for their children. They attempt to control children’s behavior by explaining rules, discussing, and reasoning. They listen to a child’s viewpoint but don’t always accept it.”

This style of parenting supports the child’s voice in a conflict over the rules. When parents take the time, and mental effort, to consider a compromise, it teaches the child essential problem-solving skills. He still has to abide by his bedtime, however, the conciliation to watch something shorter than a whole movie on another device satisfies the needs of everyone in the house.

The result of authoritarian parenting, according to the research, is that “Children raised with this style tend to be friendly, energetic, cheerful, self-reliant, self-controlled, curious, cooperative and achievement-oriented.”

Routine Options

Families need a set of house rules and routines that help to manage behavior and keep things running smoothly. These can be gradually revised as children mature and their abilities and vulnerabilities change. With a range of ages to consider, there may be some rules that apply only to the younger or to the older children, but basically, the household operates on standard policies such as “no food in the bedrooms”.

As challenges to the rules come up, try to anticipate or at least keep track of the slight deviations that may make sense in certain situations. For example, now both parents and the ten-year-old know that if the younger siblings choose to watch one thing together, their brother is free to request something he’d prefer on another device. Hopefully, that spare device will always be available at screen time.

Think back to other exceptions that have been made to keep within following the house rules. For example, if a child is disinterested in the protein portion of a meal, what are some ready substitutes? Ideally the alternative protein choices don’t cause an inconvenience for the cook.

If a child is sick in bed, a cup of orange juice or chicken broth may be carefully served by the parent on duty. If mittens can’t be found – and it’s a rule to prevent frostbite when playing in the snow – a suitable alternative is to put thick socks on the exposed hands before going out. Exceptions respect the reasons for the rules.

Essential Teamwork

As partners in your parenting endeavors it makes sense to periodically review the house rules and all the possible deviations that could occur but that still support your parenting goals and values.

What are your goals and values? The situation you described brings in the importance of a good night’s sleep (adhering to a bed time), allowing for a change of mind (he decided he didn’t like the movie), questioning the routine that all three children watch the same movie, and whether mom and dad can back each other up. If between mom and dad the goals and values generally line up (it’s unlikely to be 100%!) an exception that one parent makes should be supported by the other.

Exceptions to the rules should be explained otherwise children get the idea that rules can be ignored. When you verbalize your sound reasoning for making an exception – “well, something that’s only 30-minutes long will still get you to brushing your teeth on time” – you are providing your child with a model for solving problems on his own (by adjusting a routine or by bending a rule). Clear goals and values help. Granted, he’ll still have child-like reasoning for several more years which is why keeping tabs on teenagers is important. But if you include children in your thought process as you make an exception – “A short video would still have you in bed on time” – the importance of his bedtime routine and a good night’s sleep is still maintained.

Secondly, when you make an exception to a rule, you can give an apology for reacting too quickly. “It didn’t occur to me that you could use Daddy’s laptop to watch something else.” This helps a child understand that we can all make a mistake and it’s not a big deal to admit it and move toward correcting it.

Teamwork can contribute more options to saying, “No”, especially when values and goals remain consistent between you.

Dr. Debbie

Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern. 

Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Walk-ins are welcome. Fall Family Memberships to the museum provide unlimited admissions for your family through December 31, 2026.

There is a Nature Walk on Thursdays at 10:30 am. Art and Story Time with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet is on Mondays at 10:30 am.  

Dr. Debbie is offering a series of workshops for parents and other caregivers in October.