Dear Dr. Debbie,
I have two children, ages 3 and 5. We have a pretty good weekly rhythm going but I’m starting to recognize patterns in their behavior. For example, if one wakes up groggy there’s going to be a sibling battle at breakfast. If what I’ve served for dinner isn’t appealing, bedtime goes badly.
How can I keep a bad mood from escalating?
Now What?
Dear N.W.,
You’re on the right track. The trick is to notice the signs of an elevated stress level, or as you aptly identified, a negative mood, and manage the direction things go from there. Recognize that young children are a few years away from mastering the ability to deal with their own bad moods and disappointments. You can help them.
Grumpiness
You’ve probably heard the expression “got up on the wrong side of the bed”. The morning might be off to a bad start if a child hasn’t had sufficient good sleep. This could be due to a variety of causes: troubling dreams, nasal congestion, indigestion, a high blood sugar level at bedtime that results in a low blood sugar level in the morning, etc.
Decision-making is much harder in a grumpy state, so trim down the options for clothes and food to choices that are likely to be certain winners. Keep the morning moving without poking the bear.
Go easy on your demands of a grumpy child. This is not the time to expect one to be patient with a sibling. Maybe they can be seated a distance away from each other for breakfast. As much as possible, slow down the morning rush. (This is a good reason to allow enough time in the morning schedule that there is a grace period before you really must get out the door.)
If demands are actually optional – for instance if preschool is not childcare while you take care of a work responsibility – let the child opt out. We should all learn to take a Personal Mental Health Day every now and then to prevent a buildup of stress. It’s also possible that a grumpy child is coming down with an illness in which case his immune system is directing the call to “leave me alone!” for good reason.
Many a preschool teacher has welcomed a child in pajamas, so if it comes down to it, drop an argument about getting dressed and bring the clothes along with you. In the presence of peers it may suddenly seem to the child that it’s a good idea to put the right clothes on. If not, there may be a sensory issue about wearing particular clothes that should be addressed to prevent this stress in the future.
Disappointment
There are many possible causes of disappointment for a young child. Disappointment is the feeling one experiences when a positive expectation turns out not be true. This could include a meal that contained nothing in it that you like to eat, finding the shirt you wanted to wear has a ripped seam, having a play date cancelled, finding that a toy is broken, and so on.
A sympathetic comment from a caring adult is warranted here. Use the words, “that was disappointing” or “what a disappointment” before trying to fill in with a substitute. Help your child describe the expectation that was not met and how that relates to an inconvenience or further disappointment. Some of their thinking may indeed seem irrational (“If I don’t wear the dinosaur shirt today, my friend won’t be my friend anymore.”) however, you can still acknowledge that this is a legitimate reason to be upset. Anyone can agree on the value of a good friendship and the importance of following through with a shared plan.
Young children are developing Emotional Intelligence skills which require recognizing that they are having a feeling, identifying that feeling and its cause, then deciding what to do about the situation. This is an important skill for when they’re less closely supervised and have to deal with strong feelings on their own.
Your suggestion here could be to call up the friend and check on the assumption. (Hopefully this friend has a parent answering the call who will play along.) Perhaps dinosaur shirts can be planned for tomorrow. If they still want to be “twinsies” today the disappointment can be managed with an alternate theme to the matching outfits. The friendship is indeed not lost for not wearing a dinosaur shirt today.
Keep Your Cool
Key to managing through the inevitable stresses and strong emotions that a young child goes through is to keep a cool head yourself. Focus on the situation at hand from the point of view of the child. Empathetically describe what you’re observing. “You’re having a hard time agreeing on a shirt to wear today.” Remember that your role is to do for a child what she can not yet do for herself.
State the child’s logic, even though from an adult perspective it’s illogical, and steer the child to work through it. “You planned to be twins with your friend today by both wearing dinosaur shirts. Let’s see if she can still be friends with you with a new plan.”
Here’s another example. “I want to wear this summer shirt because my birthday is in the summer and I want it to be my birthday” (quote from my daughter at 3 ½). “Oh, that’s the reason. Let’s check the calendar to see when your birthday is coming.” And we lifted page after page of the kitchen calendar, my finger passing over week after week, until we got to the day of days. “It’s going to come, but that’s a long time off. While it’s still winter your arms and legs need clothes to keep you warm.” The creative solution to getting out of the house that day was to put the summer shirt on over the winter outfit.
Empathize with a child’s mood or feeling, and work through the situation with the benefit of adult logic and options. When you respond to a situation with your best skills for emotional intelligence and crisis management, you can help your children develop their own.
Dr. Debbie
Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern.
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Walk-ins are welcome. There is a Nature Walk on Thursdays at 10:30 am. Art and Story Time with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet is on Mondays at 10:30 am.
Dr. Wood is presenting a virtual workshop on Wednesday, March 25, 7-9 pm, for parents and other caregivers of young children. Stress with Children addresses signs and causes of stress for children and effective strategies to reduce stress for adults and children alike.
